Goodreads | The Three Musketeers (Signet Classics (Paperback))

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J rated it:

(review of isbn 0375756744)

05/19/08

Read in December, 2006

There exist in the world authors from previous eras whose characters have become so ubiquitous in the popular culture that they undergo a strange kind of infantalizing. The rather serious philosophical questions Robert Louis Stevenson posed about mind-body duality and evolution are passed over in favor of the monster story of wicked Mr. Hyde. Jonathan Swift’s venomous satires of English life are reduced to the tale of an island of little people and an island of giants.

And even as I knew this...more

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Chris rated it:

(review of isbn 0553213377)

01/05/08

The Three Musketeers absolutely kicks ass. D’artagnan, Athos, Porthos, and Aramis handle shit; a foursome of bold, brave, dauntless badasses who journey throughout France flucking people up, escaping the nefarious and treacherous plots of Cardinal Richlieu and Milady.

How is it that another French novel has risen to such esteem in my eyes; how come all of the American authors are letting me down left and right? Before I declare France victorious in the war of words between sovereign stat...more The Three Musketeers absolutely kicks ass. D’artagnan, Athos, Porthos, and Aramis handle shit; a foursome of bold, brave, dauntless badasses who journey throughout France flucking people up, escaping the nefarious and treacherous plots of Cardinal Richlieu and Milady.

How is it that another French novel has risen to such esteem in my eyes; how come all of the American authors are letting me down left and right? Before I declare France victorious in the war of words between sovereign states, let me state that while Alexandre Dumas is indeed a Frenchman, he is also a quadroon. When I learned this word in my teens I thought it was probably the coolest shit I'd ever come across, as about 99.9% of the population has no damn clue what the hell a quadroon might be, and I was always under the belief it was a slang term. A quadroon, my ignorant, philandering, fiendish friends, is the offspring of a mulatto and a honky; doing the math, they are ¼ black, thus the apt name of quadroon. Let this book be a testament that quadroons handle shit; I’ve read one book by a quadroon whose status as a quadroon is known to me, and it’s mindblowingly awesome.

Back to something that might actually deal with the story. Bold, young d’Artagnan is given a letter of recommendation for consideration into the ranks of the esteemed Musketeers, led by the venerable and totally awesome Monsieur De Treville. We immediately learn that d’Artagnan holds nothing above honor, as everyone who so much as looks at him wrong ends up with an invitation to a duel. upon arriving to Musketeer headquarters he quickly gets into confrontations with three of the most reputable Musketeers of the day, Athos, Aramis, and Porthos, and he finds time to fit each of them into his afternoon schedule on the field of combat. Arriving at his first appointment later on with Athos, the Musketeer is shocked that the kid doesn’t have a ‘second’, as he has brought his crew along, at which time they have a stroke-fest complimenting each other on their valor when d’Artagnan confeses his undying respect for their position and the trio figures this kid has a huge pair of testicles as he will proceed to fight the three of them to the death if need be. Some of the dread Cardinal Richlieu’s men arrive and proclaim that dueling isn’t permitted in the area and when much sh-t has been talked, the five soldiers of the Carindal and the foursome who had intended to duel become embroiled in a melee. In this battle royale, d’Artagnan proves his worth and becomes readily accepted by his new pals, as he presumably saves Athos’s life (the legendary Musketeer was previously wounded and forced to fight southpaw against a worthy adversary).

From this point on, it is plots within plots, nonstop humor, excellent storytelling, ridiculous romances, fantastic battles, and epic adventure. In the quest to save the reputation of the Queen from the evildoings of the Cardinal and his plotting accomplices, we learn of the rampant drunkenness and the tormented past of Athos, the duality of Aramis as he sways between his religious convictions and the path of glory, the foolhardy vanity of the giant Porthos and his ability to charm the pants off the elderly, the bravery and determination of d’Artagnan, and the ridiculously hilarious exploits of their four servants (bold and clever Planchet, silent and reverent Grimaud, barely involved Mousqueton, and loyal and penitent Bazin) the poor, ill-fated object of d’Artagnan’s lust, Constance, and a sultry, jilted chambermaid named Kitty who risks her ass to assist d’Artagnan as he (no shit) grudge-fucks Milady for almost no better reason than to become further steeped into the unfolding subterfuge which spirals from a disreputable plot and feud into full-blown war between England and France....less

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