Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus

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Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus

by Elyse Fitzpatrick, Jessica Thompson, Tullian Tchividjian (Foreword)

4.15 of 5 stars 4.15 · rating details · 594 ratings · 149 reviews

All of us want to raise good kids. And we want to be good parents. But what exactly do we mean by "good?" And is "being good" really the point?

Mother-daughter team Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson contend that every way we try to make our kids "good" is simply an extension of Old Testament Law--a set of standards that is not only unable to save our children, but also...more

Paperback, 213 pages

Published May 4th 2011 by Crossway Books

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Sep 16, 2011 Mark Ward rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2011, kindle

Preface to Make a Long Review even Longer
I have an 18-month-old. He usually behaves pretty well. For an 18-month-old. I think. You see, I’ve never had one before, I haven’t made a whole lot of observations of 18-month-olds, and I don’t ever remember being one.
So should you take my review of this parenting book with a grain of salt? Maybe more than one grain? Sure, yes. Always do that. I try to season my words with salt already, so it shouldn’t be too hard.

But here at the outset I want to deflect...more

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Apr 04, 2013 Tracy rated it 3 of 5 stars

In "Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus", Elyse Fitzpatrick and her daughter, Jessica Thompson, help parents understand the role of grace in their lives and the lives of their children. The authors challenge parents to consider whether their parenting is grace-oriented, or merely moralistic. Moralistic parenting can be accomplished by any well-meaning parents, but are we as Christians really raising our children in a grace-filled, Christian environment? These are important...more

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Jan 29, 2013 Gabriela rated it 4 of 5 stars

In her new book , Give them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus, acclaimed Christian author Elyse Fitzpatrick does what great Christian writers do: she convicts us deeply of our sin, and then offers us the comfort and hope found in the gospel alone. She asks us the vital question: If you’re a Christian, what makes your parenting distinctly Christian? How does my parenting differ from that of my Muslim or Jewish neighbor’s? If there is no difference, I have a serious problem, and tha...more In her new book , Give them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus, acclaimed Christian author Elyse Fitzpatrick does what great Christian writers do: she convicts us deeply of our sin, and then offers us the comfort and hope found in the gospel alone. She asks us the vital question: If you’re a Christian, what makes your parenting distinctly Christian? How does my parenting differ from that of my Muslim or Jewish neighbor’s? If there is no difference, I have a serious problem, and that problem is called moralistic parenting. But what is so bad about teaching our kids to be ‘moral’ by obeying our rules? The big problem is that we are explicitly or implicitly teaching our kids that obeying our rules is what makes them right with us and God, not faith in Jesus. Similarly, we can get fixated on a particular parenting method because we believe the method is the ‘formula’ to produce successful children. Fitzpatrick counteracts the fear, guilt and crushing weight of responsibility that these beliefs produce with the hope of the good news of the gospel. God‘s faithfulness and love, shown in Jesus, saves our children, not our obedience to a method, or their obedience to our rules.
So what is ‘gospel’-centered parenting, in contrast to moralistic parenting? Fitzpatrick divides her book into two sections. In the first part of the book, Fitzpatrick argues from Scripture why moralism or ‘law’ is set against the gospel. (In my view, she should have included a discussion of Calvin’s third use of the law, in which the law teaches believers how to be holy). She also shows us how often our reactions to our children when they obey or disobey tend to be moralistic. For instance, she divides children into two ‘types’—the rule-following, compliant children, and the openly rebellious types. If we are moralistic in our parenting, we will be proud of the first type of child, and despair over the second. Yet Fitzpatrick makes the important point that our ‘people-pleasing,’ rule-following children, who harbor self-righteousness and pride, need the gospel of grace just as much as our openly rebellious children do. If we’re focused simply on producing outwardly obedient kids, we risk producing Pharisaic hypocrites.
In the second part of the book, Fitzpatrick shows how being focused on the gospel does not contradict training our children to be obedient. The gospel provides the motivation for our kids to strive for holiness: rather than trying to be good to be loved by God, they obey because they are loved. She sets forth five categories of parenting: manage, nurture, train, correct and promise (MNTCP). While you could likely find similar paradigms in other Christian parenting books, I found Fitzpatrick unique in the way she showed how Jesus’ work can be applied to daily situations. When our kids are complaining, angry or disobedient, we can point them to how Jesus was never complaining and always compliant to His Father’s will, despite the greatest temptations. Because Jesus perfectly obeyed for them, our children can know that they are already accepted and loved by God, and that Jesus gives us His Spirit to obey as well. I found her ‘scripts’ for how to present the gospel to kids in various situations one of the most helpful parts of the book, affecting my daily interactions with my kids (especially as they get older). At the same time, I thought Fitzpatrick overemphasized the difference in approaches to handling our ‘believing’ versus ‘unbelieving’ children. Since I believe the children of Christian parents are under the promises of God’s covenant of grace, I believe we can trust God’s Spirit to be at work in our kids, helping them to obey and believe, even when they haven’t ‘professed’ the faith explicitly.
As we train our kids for obedience, Fitzpatrick further warns us not to let moralism creep into the kind of rules we make for our kids. For instance, we may be so concerned to keep our kids ‘safe’ from the world, that we neglect Jesus’ emphasis on reaching the ‘unclean’ with the gospel. She provides a helpful set of questions to reveal what principles motivate each of our rules.
In the final chapters, Fitzpatrick boldly addresses our biggest fear--when all of our best-intentioned parenting efforts fail and we end up with consistently rebellious children who hate us. Are we willing to consider that God might be glorified by our weakness and failure as parents, rather than by our success as a model family with obedient kids? She challenges us to make our greatest desire to glorify God in our lives, no matter what He calls us to.
Overall, Fitzpatrick paints a vivid picture of what Christ-centered parenting looks like, both in the big picture and the details. She calls us to show our kids every day why Jesus matters, and challenges us to repent of the idol of having a ‘successful’ family based on principles apart from the gospel. On the other hand, she is constantly offering the hope that is rooted in trusting the only Perfect Parent , who is always faithful and forgiving, even when we fail to parent in a grace-centered way. I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to grow as a Christian parent.
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Oct 01, 2012 John rated it 5 of 5 stars

Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson's book called Give Them Grace is encouraging for parents at all stages. The continual reminder of God's grace pushes the reader to lean harder on God in parenting, as they patiently address the needs of little pagans who are in need of God's grace.

This is probably the first parenting book that I have read that consistently applies the gospel story to parenting. While it does not negate the need for instruction, discipline, and correction, it happily affirm...more

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Aug 22, 2012 Megan Larson rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: Christians who desperately want to be good parents.

Recommended to Megan by: Michelle Mollenkopf

Shelves: christian-living, favorite-books-ever, theology

For the past six weeks, I (along with my husband and a group of precious moms from church) have been living with this book. There is something extra wonderful about digesting a book slowly, morsel by morsel, taking time to talk to God and others about it, and seeing how it looks when it becomes a part of "real life." The benefits of discussing a book like this are numerous, but some of the best are, one, that parts that seemed to speak to only one or two people in the group can come to life for...more For the past six weeks, I (along with my husband and a group of precious moms from church) have been living with this book. There is something extra wonderful about digesting a book slowly, morsel by morsel, taking time to talk to God and others about it, and seeing how it looks when it becomes a part of "real life." The benefits of discussing a book like this are numerous, but some of the best are, one, that parts that seemed to speak to only one or two people in the group can come to life for the rest as the application is further explored through those people's experiences, two, that parts that may have been misunderstood if they were read by only one person who got sleepy while reading are less likely to be misunderstood by the group as a whole, and three, especially for a book as practical as this one, the accountability of the group makes the individuals in it strive truly to apply what has been read and discussed. This is a perfect book for a group, but, at the very least, to read with one's spouse or a close friend.
I feel I do poorly with synopses, or maybe I just don't like writing them, but, anyway, the blurb above gives a good feel for what the book is about. I'd call this book "practical theology." Elyse and Jessica aren't trying to present something new or shocking, and you won't read anything within these pages that you couldn't see by reading your Bible faithfully and prayerfully. But that's the point--so many parents are bouncing around like pinballs much of the time, and, unfortunately, either on autopilot or being reactionary, or, even if there is a plan we're working out, that plan has too much to do with getting our kids to be "good" and protecting them from the world, rather than pointing them consistently toward the Gospel of grace. And, honestly, we do that because the Gospel isn't completely saturating our own thoughts. So here come some godly women who have really thought, studied, and prayed this through, to give us a boost.
Some people have called this book repetitive. It is! I think it has to be, because we repeatedly (although usually unconsciously) compartmentalize the application of the Gospel in our lives. We apply it here, we ignore it there. So the authors of this book keep reminding us, as we ought to be reminding ourselves, in this situation, live the Gospel. And in that one, the other one, and don't forget the one over there, live the Gospel. For this reason, it is so much more than a parenting book. Parenting is an extension of the spiritual condition of the parents. If Jesus is beautiful to us, we'll make every effort, every chance we get, to display Him for our kids.
It would take too long to enumerate every lesson I found poignant in this book, and the statements I disagreed with are too minor and too few to enumerate at all here (but good to discuss with your reading partners). I will say that this parenting book that isn't really a parenting book has made it to the very top of my list of "books that become old friends." I think that's primarily because it points me to, and helps me love even better, the oldest Friend of all.(less)

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Jul 07, 2012 Tamara rated it 4 of 5 stars

I generally loved the premise of this book. That is: that how are we as Christians raising our kids different than any other faith that teaches kids about rigid rules of Scripture? Are we really teaching them about God's grace or just to be moral legalists. It was a compelling read and one that I needed. It was a relief to read that we need to raise our kids in the full beauty of the Scripture and that the law is what we do by HIs grace in response to His great love for us and not as a way to "g...more

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Mar 25, 2012 Stephanie rated it 1 of 5 stars

I wanted to like this book. I did. But I just couldn't. My problems with this book aren't conceptual. The main problem is that it's poorly written. They go on and on and every chapter pretty much says the same thing as the first, with slight modifications. Even they say it's all about the simplicity of the cross, repeating it over and over to your children, and that's exactly what I felt like I was getting. The same message over and over. The book is even written like they are speaking to childr...more I wanted to like this book. I did. But I just couldn't. My problems with this book aren't conceptual. The main problem is that it's poorly written. They go on and on and every chapter pretty much says the same thing as the first, with slight modifications. Even they say it's all about the simplicity of the cross, repeating it over and over to your children, and that's exactly what I felt like I was getting. The same message over and over. The book is even written like they are speaking to children--"Now I know this might be scary..." "We trust you are taking this seriously..." "We know this concept might be new to you..." "Please DO take your time thinking seriously..." Please. I understand these are style things, and not content-focused, but they still bugged me.
In addition, I feel like the book is, ironically, a little judgmental. I just don't agree with their premise that just because something isn't "Christian" doesn't make it good. There are good methods for behavior management and even nurturing out there (despite their judgmental jab at Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages for Kids). Of course non-Christian parenting books don't train our children in the gospel, but they can be helpful with other things. I cringed when I read how the author "confessed" she used a marble jar system of rewards/punishment for her kids, implying it was sinful. I have friends who employ this method, but aren't dumb enough to think they are "saving" their kids. Thye are just helping their kids in a tangible way to see consequences. That's part of management.
The book also seems very inorganic. We're supposed to tell a child who has just lost a baseball game, "Honey, you're not acting like what Jesus did was enough!" That's just weird.
I think the reason I struggled with it is that the concepts of this book, to bring into incarnational form, are so deeply personal and unique. It certainly explains why they never hit the nail on the head of HOW to "dazzle" your kids with the gospel. They kind of dance around the how, but it's not very clear, in my opinion. (I still didn't get that. How exactly does the gospel "dazzle?") Bringing God's amazing grace to our children is not something you can sit and explain in a book, or if it is, this certainly isn't one of them.(less)

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Feb 12, 2012 Steph rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: Moms, Dads

Recommended to Steph by: Crossway Books blog

"Give Them Grace" was incredible. I will probably go back and read it again. It was sometimes impossible to read more than a couple paragraphs at a time, because I would just have to stop and re-read, then savor what I had read. I wanted to share with you just a taste.

My children are beautiful, precious gifts from God. I wish I were a better parent. They need grace and more of it. I need grace, too.

Do you have high moments where you feel like you have things {at least somewhat} together? When "e...more "Give Them Grace" was incredible. I will probably go back and read it again. It was sometimes impossible to read more than a couple paragraphs at a time, because I would just have to stop and re-read, then savor what I had read. I wanted to share with you just a taste.

My children are beautiful, precious gifts from God. I wish I were a better parent. They need grace and more of it. I need grace, too.

Do you have high moments where you feel like you have things {at least somewhat} together? When "everything's going your way"? The kids are behaving, the house is clean, your to-do list is checked off?

I don't even have to ask, I KNOW you have low moments. I have those. Sometimes life stretches on and on into one long low moment where I can't seem to get anything together or accomplish anything on my list.

Recently I've been wrestling through a low moment. Unlike other times where I feel like I would be happy if some circumstance would just change, during this time of my life I'm looking deep within and hoping for a change to happen there. These words were a fantastic reminder to me:

"Paul understood that personal success and strength were barriers to his experience of God's grace. God's sustaining power is seen and developed in our weakness and failure. It is never developed anywhere else. The power of Christ flows through parents who boast in and embrace their personal weakness, not on those who think they don't need it. Of course, every one of us will quickly confess that we know we need the power of Christ. Yes, yes, of course we do. But the veracity of our confident confession will be tested in our response to our weakness and failure and to the weakness, failure, and sin of our children. Do we see these trials as God's gift to us? Do we see our children's struggles as our Savior approaching us in love to make his grace strong in our lives? Do we believe that we must have this kind of humiliation so that Christ's grace will flow through us to our family? Do we want his grace that much? Do we really want to glorify him?

Whether or not we like it, whether or not we understand it, it is kind of the Lord to demolish our confidence in our own strength, abilities, and cherished methods. True, it doesn't feel kind at the time. It's terribly painful to watch your beloved son turn from the faith or to hear that your daughter has been disruptive in Sunday school again. It crushes our hearts when we try and try to explain the gospel to our little ones and they stare back at us in boredom and resentment. Yet, it is a kindness when he strips us of self-reliance, because it is there, in our emptiness and brokenness, that we experience the privilege of his sustaining grace. It is only when we arrive at that dreaded place of weakness that we discover the surpassing power of Christ. It is only when we are finally freed from those oh-so-constricting straightjackets of self-righteousness that we are able to experience the true comfort and warmth of the robes of his righteousness." (p. 151-152)(less)

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Sep 26, 2011 Christie Hagerman rated it 3 of 5 stars

To be honest, I have put off writing this review for a long time. I took my sweet time reading this book, not on purpose but because it was like reading in a foreign language. I identified with the concept that the authors were basing the book on, but I couldn't fully comprehend it. The mother and daughter authors, Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson, drew from their experiences to point out that the common methods of Christian parenting are lacking something very important--grace.

Having grow...more

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Jul 19, 2011 Stephen Escalera rated it 4 of 5 stars

Are you a parent who wants perfect kids? Adjust your parenting style to any number of the hundreds of books on parenting currently in print and you’ll be the successful parent you’ve always wanted to be with the successful children you’ve always wanted!

Sadly, this is the message of many parenting books that draw the hopeful and discouraged to their pages with each new publication. In Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus, mother and daughter team Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessic...more Are you a parent who wants perfect kids? Adjust your parenting style to any number of the hundreds of books on parenting currently in print and you’ll be the successful parent you’ve always wanted to be with the successful children you’ve always wanted!

Sadly, this is the message of many parenting books that draw the hopeful and discouraged to their pages with each new publication. In Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus, mother and daughter team Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson want parents to be the best Christian parents they can be, raising Godly children. So what makes this book any different? The answer is found in the gospel and grace of Jesus Christ. The path to successful parenting isn’t found in what parents do or even how children react to what parents do. Such a method leads only to law and, as the book cover says, the law is “a set of standards that is not only unable to save our children, but also powerless to change them.” Not only do they take aim at the path to successful parenting, but they offer a rethinking of what it means to be a successful parent.

Much of the book is focused, not on the behavior of the child, but rather the belief system of the parent. You won’t find very much in the way of the “how-to’s” of child discipline, but rather solid principles intended to have parents examine their own attitudes and understanding of the concept of grace. Further, this idea of grace is firmly grounded in what believers have been given through Christ’s finished work on the cross in paying God’s penalty for sin and obtaining our right standing before God. Based on the parents’ understanding of gospel work in their own hearts, the authors then answer the question of successful parenting – that is pointing our children to God by modeling the grace of God in our lives.

There were two chapters that I appreciated the most: one (“The One Good Story) offers wise principles for pointing our children to the grace and love of God in various situations. For example, the question often comes up (at least it does in my family) of which movies to allow children to watch. Instead of giving a bulleted list of do’s and don’ts, the authors offer several questions to ask about how that movie (or other entertainment medium) will either point to or prevent them from seeing gospel truths. In their own words, “Our hope is that if we have taught them how to discern the one good story and judge every other story by it, they’ll be better equipped to answer the wicked Imposter’s lies when they hear them.” (p.120) They also touch on the subject of modesty and, instead of going straight to the obvious question of “is it revealing?” they suggest principles that will get to the heart of the child and not simply outward appearances.

The second chapter I appreciated the most was Chapter 9 (“Weak Parents and Their Strong Savior”) in which the authors gently point out that sometimes, even after all our best efforts and trusting in God, our children may not live as believers. This chapter dealt with seeming failure as parents. But even here, the authors point us to the fact that God is honored and glorified in everything. In what was perhaps the most poignant statement of the chapter, they write “What if he has called us to Jeremiah’s ministry rather than to Daniel’s? Is there room in your parenting paradigm for weakness and failure if weakness and failure glorify God?” (p.149)

Perhaps the one negative aspect of the book is the examples of conversations between parent and child. The table in Appendix 2 (“Common Problems and the Gospel”) is helpful in keeping our focus on Christ and the gospel in various situations, but the examples of conversations given seem too overblown and forced. While I certainly want to teach my children the beauty of the gospel and of Christ, it seems more than a little forced to relate losing a baseball game to the suffering of Christ. There are times when we as parents simply need to be there for our children, encouraging them when they fail/lose and helping them to do better next time. Does this mean that we are ignoring the gospel and only promoting selfish little bootstrap hoisters? Absolutely not! However, the adage “too heavenly minded to be of any earthly good” seems to apply here.

Give Them Grace gives us a much needed reminder as parents that changing our children’s hearts and the outcome of our parenting is not dependent on us. Oh yes, God uses this tool for this change but ultimately it is God who does the changing. I was encouraged to continually point my children to the love, beauty and grace of God that is ours because of Jesus. (4/5 stars)

(Thanks to Crossway’s Homeschool Book Review program for providing a review of this book.)(less)

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Jun 03, 2011 Pastoralmusings rated it 5 of 5 stars

Elyse M. Fitzpatrick and her daughter, Jessica Thompson, team up to write an amazing book on parenting.
Give Them Grace is not a parenting manual, however. Give Them Grace is a book that reminds us that parenting manuals don't do the job that we need them to do.
The premise of this book is that the goal of parenting is not to raise good children, but godly children. If we train them to be good, there is a great possibility that they will rebel against the rules, or turn out to be hypocrites, the...more

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Dec 27, 2011 Keren Threlfall rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2011-reading

Give Them Grace seems to be making waves as the latest, greatest book on parenting in the conservative evangelical world. It is certainly paradigm-shifting, turning from moralistic parenting to more application and displaying of grace over law in the way we interact with our children. Overall, it was a helpful book. I am immensely thankful for the shift in teaching that I perceive to be more aligned with Scripture than some pretty much all of the other parenting books written for this particular...more

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Jul 17, 2012 Kelsey Hathaway rated it 3 of 5 stars

The original concept of this book is slap you across the face great. Allowing grace to govern the way you raise your children- and do everything else in life- is exactly the way God intended us to live. Where I struggled with the ideas of the authors was in the constant negative reminders to children of their failures. No, we don't want to raise kids who think they are the be all and end all, but how helpful is it really to tell them how they will never be successful on their own? Learning about...more

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Jan 21, 2012 Jessica rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2012-reads

I didn't enjoy this book as much as I thought I would. It came highly recommended, although I believe it probably was more highly recommended for its themes than for its quality of writing. The reason I only gave it three stars is because I didn't really enjoy how it was written; in fact I really struggled to make it through.

That aside, I loved the theme and main point of the book. This book drips with Gospel Truth. Parenting can be a scary thing for a Christian parent in this world. The desire...more I didn't enjoy this book as much as I thought I would. It came highly recommended, although I believe it probably was more highly recommended for its themes than for its quality of writing. The reason I only gave it three stars is because I didn't really enjoy how it was written; in fact I really struggled to make it through.

That aside, I loved the theme and main point of the book. This book drips with Gospel Truth. Parenting can be a scary thing for a Christian parent in this world. The desire for our children to grow up loving the Lord can quickly become an obsession. This can quickly become a source of great stress and anguish which can in turn lead to a never-ending cycle of trying and trying to make your children believe. Parents too often try to depend of "the law" (or good works) to make their children believe. The problem is that this does not produce real heart-change in our children. It merely produces more adults who spend their lives depending on the law to earn their way into God's presence.

The authors suggest that this "works righteousness" can only be remedied by instead fully relying on the grace, or "gift righteousness" that is only given by God, in the form of His Son, who was crucified for our sins, and who was raised on the third day. They suggest in turn that our children will be better served if we then seek to demonstrate the same grace to them. The book goes through several chapters of ways to do this, but it is best summed up in the final chapter: love your children, discipline them, and tell them about Jesus. Only He can truly change your children's hearts.

Personally, this book gave me a lot of comfort, and helped me realize how much of an idol being a "good" parent has become in my own life. The author reminds us that God has already done everything necessary to save our children. There is nothing that we can do to hinder our children from being saved if He wills it, and even our best efforts will not guarantee their salvation. I love this quote from page 161: "How desperately we all need to remember that there are only two verses in the New Testament about Christian parenting. Only two! When we make parenting more complex than God has made it, we afflict ourselves with burdens too heavy for us to carry, and we are unintentionally presuming that the good news of the gospel is insufficient." I am thankful for these truths, and I am glad I read this book. (less)

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Jul 11, 2011 Jacqui rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: christian, christian-give-aways, explore-ideas-for-discussion

The author has a conversational style which makes it easy to read. The theology expressed in the book is sound and has a great focus on the Gospel and how to teach it to your kids in both correction and encouragement. But the examples of how to practically apply the Gospel are long winded. Even though the author tells the reader they shouldn't follow the examples rote, the length of them makes it hard to apply shorthand. This is would become tedious to children if followed from the book and ther...more

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Feb 15, 2012 Travis rated it 5 of 5 stars

I have to confess, I did not know whether or not to expect to like Give them Grace. I’ve read so many parenting books as a biblical counseling student and as a pastor that I could not imagine wanting to read one more. Elyse Fitzpatrick surprised me. This is an excellent little book that puts a well-defined, biblically-rich gospel presentation at the center of how we parent our children.

Fitzpatrick does not write her book as another how-to-parent guide. She instead centers all that she recommen...more I have to confess, I did not know whether or not to expect to like Give them Grace. I’ve read so many parenting books as a biblical counseling student and as a pastor that I could not imagine wanting to read one more. Elyse Fitzpatrick surprised me. This is an excellent little book that puts a well-defined, biblically-rich gospel presentation at the center of how we parent our children.

Fitzpatrick does not write her book as another how-to-parent guide. She instead centers all that she recommends parents do on the gospel. For example, when parents see their children doing good things, this is an opportunity for them to remind their children that this is Christlike, but it is also not what makes them right with God. When parents see their children doing wrong things, it is an opportunity to remind children that we all do wrong things, and that Christ is our only hope. I have never read a book that does such a good job of keeping our need for Christ and his grace at the center of parenting conversations.

On the down side, not all the recommended conversations in the book sound like conversations I could picture myself having. Some of the recommended things to say are just too perfect. However, I do not consider this to be something that really detracts from the book. We all know that we cannot script our conversations with our children. Fitzpatrick does a great job for us in attempting to lay out some conversational guidelines that we all should be bright enough to tailor to our own words and communication style.

I will be recommending this book highly to parents. It challenged me to consider how the gospel of Jesus impacts my own life on a day-to-day basis. It helped me to consider how to praise and correct my children with Christ at the center. It reminded me that the sovereign God, not my parenting skill, is the One who will save my children if they are saved. There is correction, joy, pain, and comfort in this work that I think any growing Christian parent can benefit from.

I received a free audio copy of this work from ChristianAudio.com as part of their reviewers program. It was beautifully read by Tavia Gilbert, who may have just become my favorite ChristianAudio.com narrator.
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Dec 03, 2011 Sally rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction, theology-ministry-church

This was an excellent book about avoiding moralism in parenting by pointing our children (and ourselves) continually to our need for God's grace. If I had read this ten years ago (impossible, since it wasn't written then!), I would have probably given a nod to its truth and gone on about my self-reliant way. Now, faced with my utter inability to make my children turn out the way I want, I embrace this book wholeheartedl!. It's not about my efforts; it's all about God and His goodness. I would re...more

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Jun 21, 2012 Rachel rated it 5 of 5 stars

The most Biblical and freeing parenting book I've ever read. This book is a radically different approach - rather than the parent bearing all responsibility for making sure their children are saved, the author repeatedly states that the pressure is off. Salvation is God's work, and just as you had nothing to do with your own salvation, it is not up to you to accomplish the eternal salvation of your children. The other big difference between this and other parenting books is that the author teach...more

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May 28, 2012 David Morris rated it 5 of 5 stars

This is the anti-selfhelp parenting book. Everything that is opposite of "10 simple steps" or "3 days to perfect kids." It's superb. Besides the clarity of the author's Gospel, they are obviously skilled at fleshing it out. One of my favorite features--they practice the Gospel rule they preach. So instead of presenting "give them grace" as the new law, they consistently and clearly point to grace. The book is not devoid of practical help and suggestions, so it's not a let go and let God approach...more

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Sep 04, 2011 Sarah rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: crossway, christian-non-fiction, christianity, i-own-this, religion, raising-children, parenting, motherhood, review-books

As a mom I was told as long as I laid down rules and laws to my children they would grow into being Christian adults. This isn’t true – just because I lay down rules and enforce them does not make my children any more likely to become and stay a Christian than if we were any other religion. Even those who don’t follow Christ can have morals and laws to follow and be ‘good’ but it doesn’t make them Christian. Instead of rules, they need grace, like what God gave us when He sent His Son to earth....more As a mom I was told as long as I laid down rules and laws to my children they would grow into being Christian adults. This isn’t true – just because I lay down rules and enforce them does not make my children any more likely to become and stay a Christian than if we were any other religion. Even those who don’t follow Christ can have morals and laws to follow and be ‘good’ but it doesn’t make them Christian. Instead of rules, they need grace, like what God gave us when He sent His Son to earth. I’m not saying they don’t need rules but they need to see the Grace of Christ through us.

Yes, children need rules, like don’t run in the street because you could be hurt or killed. Don’t talk to strangers, don’t touch the figurine from Great Aunt Lily, etc., yes, they need rules. However, these rules don’t save our children and by making our love contingent on our children following these rules is like the Pharisee’s in Jesus’ time. Reading Give Them Grace has opened my eyes to a different kind of parenting, an intentional, Grace filled parenting. I love how the authors outlined the different types of obedience (since this seems what we get hung up on, well they didn’t obey the first time so they need punished): initial obedience, social obedience, civic obedience, and religious obedience.

This book isn’t about telling you how to parent or to get your children to be good – this book is about changing the heart of your parenting. If we serve a God who gives His children second chances and loves us despite our sins then shouldn’t we love our children the same. There is a time for discipline such as for blatant disrespect or doing something dangerous but there is a time for Grace.

I really enjoyed the Appendix 2 which outlines some common problems parents face such as: lying, disobeying, fighting/anger, laziness, and more. Using an acronym MNTCP or Management, Nurturing, Training, Correcting, and remembering the Promises of the Gospel, steps are outlined in how to deal with children based on their ages and whether or not they are Christians. The conversations are a bit stilted but the authors are quick to point out they are examples to give you a starting point and not to be followed word for word.

You can purchase the book, Give Them Grace, from Crossway for $14.99 and you can read other reviews and watch a movie about the book on Crossway’s blog.

**I was provided a copy of this book from Crossway in exchange for my honest opinion, no other compensation was given.(less)

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Mar 26, 2013 Jeepster rated it 1 of 5 stars

I'm sorry. I cannot recommend this book to anyone. I just can't get behind this type of parenting, I suppose. Perhaps I am not "Christian" enough but I do not think it's necessary to destroy my child to drive them to Christ. The scenarios are ridiculous with huge, long lectures....even when the child does good! Oh, wait. Kids can't be good.
I think we do need to dazzle our kids with the love of Jesus. Giving long guilt trips any time they complain or have a poor attitude just isn't healthy, IMO....more

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Feb 02, 2012 Erika rated it 4 of 5 stars

This book came highly recommended from a friend. I felt that the book taught an incredibly Biblical lesson, which is to give kids (and really, everyone) grace, which - I took - as synonymous with Jesus.

I have taken that idea and started using it, and feel so much better about the way I am parenting. I like giving my kids grace, which means I bring up Jesus taking away our sins, if we ask Him.

For example, "No, you can't love your sister right now, because only Jesus can take away that meanness t...more

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Jul 24, 2012 Kristin rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: parenting

I read this a few months ago and I know it is quite popular. Sometimes I felt the examples or suggestions were manipulative on the parent's part. One thing I really liked was this quote, "We were never meant to carry the ultimate responsibility for anyone's soul: neither our own nor our children's. Only the Good Shepherd is strong enough to carry a soul - that's His job, not ours." p.55 What is key from that quote is knowing what our role is as parents. Huge.
For me there were too many ideas I...more

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Nov 09, 2012 Pam rated it 5 of 5 stars

I’m on chapter 5 and so far I think it’s the best book I’ve ever read on parenting. Not only to I recommend it for those with small children but also for those with teenagers, adult children, grandchildren and even those who just love children and want to know how to share the amazing grace of God with them.

One of my favorite quotes is found on pg 68, “The only power strong enough to transform the selfishly rebellious and the selfishly self-righteous heart is grace. The law doesn’t transform th...more

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Jun 18, 2013 Sarah rated it 5 of 5 stars

This is an excellent book that nourished my soul with God's grace as well as gave me plenty of food for thought as my husband and I consider how we will parent our children in the Lord. I could not recommend this book highly enough to other Christian parents (or grandparents or teachers or anyone who is around children!). Part 1 steeps you in God's abundant grace, and Part 2 provides more specific challenges on how to apply gospel grace to your soul and your children's as you parent. I'd say thi...more

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Jul 10, 2012 Meredith rated it 4 of 5 stars

Two endorsements made me pick up this book--Paul David Tripp and Tullian Tchividjian. I read the reviews of this book and wasn't quite sure what to expect. I was pleasantly surprised and appreciated the Reformed perspective on child rearing.
This is not a formula based book or how to book. It simply takes the Gospel and shows how to apply it to discipling our covenant children. One of the criticisms I noticed on reviews was that this book over and over emphasized reminding your children of the...more Two endorsements made me pick up this book--Paul David Tripp and Tullian Tchividjian. I read the reviews of this book and wasn't quite sure what to expect. I was pleasantly surprised and appreciated the Reformed perspective on child rearing.
This is not a formula based book or how to book. It simply takes the Gospel and shows how to apply it to discipling our covenant children. One of the criticisms I noticed on reviews was that this book over and over emphasized reminding your children of the Gospel. But that is exactly as it should be. Our kids as well as me as a parent need to be reminded over and over again of the grace of God extended to me in my sin and the forgiveness Christ grants. If one gets tired of reading about giving the Gospel to your kids, then I would content maybe you don't quite understand the Gospel.
The first chapter asks the questions, "Are you a Christian parent?" Most of us would say of course, but the authors content that raising moral, going to church kids doesn't make us parent as Christians. How is that different from a Mormon or Jewish parent? The rest of the book seeks to explain the difference.This really hit home for me. Am I just raising good moral non-Christians? What is the difference? It is bringing the Gospel to bear in how I parent, which means giving grace.
Another aspect I appreciated was that sometimes in the covenant community we assume our children are Christians when they are not. That will change the way we deal with them and how we administer the Gospel in their lives.
One of the biggest "reliefs" or encouragements in the book was toward the end as the reader is reminded that as a parent I will screw up and fail, but "our ultimate joy as parents is not dependent on our ability to parent well. It is based on our belief that Jesus has already done it all perfectly for us. Grace simply means resting in Jesus' blood and righteousness."

Really my review doesn't do it justice. One of my favorite quotes "Give them (your children) grace when they succeed and grace when they fail (166)."
(less)

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Jul 29, 2012 Marie rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: reformed, christian

I had ordered this book as a recommendation from a friend of mine.

The authors (Elyse Fitzpatrick and her daughter Jessica Thompson) make it clear that the Gospel is their focus and that, as we raise our children, we are to remind ourselves of the grace that God shows us when He redeemed us from our sins. We are to constantly point to the Gospel as children are being disciplined and discipled.

Yes, there are points where it feels like it's repetitive, but the goal was to hammer it into our stubbor...more

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Jun 12, 2013 Brendan rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: nonfiction, theology

This was the best book I have read on parenting (although it might be one of the only ones I have read too).

Every chapter was filled with practical examples of what makes Christian parenting distinctly Christian. Leading your kids with law (do this and you'll get rewarded, do that and you'll be punished) does not make your parenting necessarily Christian, as she points out, and even non believers and other religious families lead their kids this way.

What makes Christian parenting is when we remi...more

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Feb 20, 2012 Elaine marked it as unfinished

Shelves: kindle

I'm giving up on this one. The author makes some great points, but some things just drive me nuts.

2 likes · like · see review

Jun 16, 2013 Jamie Cortez is currently reading it

Blown away by the application of the Gospel in parenting from this book. Deal changer.

1 like · like · see review

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About Elyse Fitzpatrick

Elyse Fitzpatrick has been counseling women since 1989 and is presently a part-time counselor (along with her husband, Phil) at Grace Church in San Diego. Grace Church is part of the Sovereign Grace Ministries family of churches. She holds a certificate in biblical counseling from IBCD and an M.A. in Biblical Counseling from Trinity Theological Seminary, and is a member of the National Association...more

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Books by Elyse Fitzpatrick

Because He Loves Me: How Christ Transforms Our Daily Life

Idols of the Heart: Learning to Long for God Alone

Counsel from the Cross: Connecting Broken People to the Love of Christ

Comforts from the Cross: Celebrating the Gospel One Day at a Time

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“Believe that God is strong enough to save your children, no matter how you fail.” — 12 people liked it

“Everything that isn't gospel is law. Let us say it again: Everything that isn't gospel is law. Every way we try to make our kids good that isn't rooted in the good news of the life, death, ressurection, and assension of Jesus Christ is damnable, crushing, despair-breeding, Pharisee-producing law. We won't get the results we want from the law. We'll get either shallow self-righteousness or blazing rebellion or both (frequently from the same kid on the same day!). We'll get moralistic kids who are cold and hypocritical and who look down on others (and could easily become Mormons), or you'll get teens who are rebellious and self-indulgent and who can't wait to get out of the house. We have to remember that in the life of our unregenerate children, the law is given for one reason only: to crush their self-confidence and drive them to Christ.” — 11 people liked it

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