You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl: Observations on Life from the Shallow End of the Pool

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You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl: Observations on Life from the Shallow End of the Pool

3.52 of 5 stars 3.52 · rating details · 817 ratings · 223 reviews

From the bestselling, award-winning author of You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start In The Morning, comes another collection of hilarious observations that will resonate with women, mothers, and girlfriends everywhere

In her newest wickedly irreverenthumor collection, Celia Rivenbark cracks up while getting herdownward facing dog on, pines for aworld in which every mo...more

Paperback, 256 pages

Published August 16th 2011 by St. Martin's Griffin

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May 17, 2013 Leah rated it 1 of 5 stars

Shelves: free-won

Each chapter is a essay, for lack of a better word. It's very scatterbrained, though. She starts on one topic and ends up on another. For instance, she starts one chapter on Susan Boyle and ends up talking about not being able to open a Cover Girl Simply Ageless compact. Each story is "cute" on it's own, but together it doesn't mesh well.

She includes crude unnecessary language. She calls a child " a little shit." It's not like she's being mean wanting to call names. It's just replacing the word...more Each chapter is a essay, for lack of a better word. It's very scatterbrained, though. She starts on one topic and ends up on another. For instance, she starts one chapter on Susan Boyle and ends up talking about not being able to open a Cover Girl Simply Ageless compact. Each story is "cute" on it's own, but together it doesn't mesh well.

She includes crude unnecessary language. She calls a child " a little shit." It's not like she's being mean wanting to call names. It's just replacing the word "child" or "boy" or "girl" or "her" or "him." The book isn't riddled with dirty words, but the ones used are very unnecessary. They're not there to create anything. Sometimes curse words are used to create atmosphere or show personality. The words here don't do any of that. In essence, they're meaningless.

Humor? A little. She does take potshots at Republicans and conservatives. She's southern and religious (well, she attends church), but she's also liberal. She makes no bones about it. If you don't agree with her thinking much of the stuff is not going to be funny or humorous.

The book reads as a collection of blog posts though the author claims she doesn' t have the ability to write a blog and has a hard time coming up with just 140 characters to Tweet.

Rivenbark is a pure pill, not a joy to read. I find myself wanting to cuss her out on almost every other page. I didn't know this was going to be political, but she lets it fly that she hates Republicans and thinks we're bat-shit insane (and see, that curse word has a purpose). We get it. She's in love with Obama and hates W. She thinks all Republicans are loony-toons and anyone who likes them is loony-toons, too. This isn't a political book, satire or non. She's not a political writer. She needs to leave this junk out. She's got plenty to write about without putting in the "I love Obama/hate Republicans" junk. It's not funny. It's stale, old, been done before, and frankly insulting to potential readers.

I love good snark, but this isn't it.

I received the book for free through Goodreads First Reads.
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Sep 19, 2011 Kathleen added it

I received this book through the Goodreads first reads. So far, I hate it. And I don't use the word hate lightly. It is awful. I'm not sure if I'm going to finish and I will certainly not recommend this book to anyone.

Update: I did not finish it. I just couldn't bring myself to waste anymore time reading this horrible book. I may recycle this book so no one else is subjected to it.

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Sep 07, 2011 Sam Lovelace rated it 4 of 5 stars

When a book makes me feel as if I am talking over margaritas behind closed doors with one of my funniest smartassed girlfriends and I have to pace myself to be sure I don't finish it TOO quickly, it deserves some little gold stars. I first discovered Celia Rivenbark when a friend gave me a copy of "We're Just Like You, Only Prettier..." and said "This reminded me of you. You will LOVE it." Come to think of it, he was probably insulting me (kinda' like that friend who "jokingly" gave me the 'Bitc...more

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Oct 25, 2011 Jan rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Goodreads win. Thank you. I really enjoyed this author, and this book. Bless her heart, she trashed everyone. I giggled along, as she reminded me of all the news that kept us riveted for months to the gossip columns. Stuff, I had already forgotten, came crushing back, yes Celia I had actually forgotten about "Marley and Me", and did think, lord, that dog would have been at the pound the next morning if it had been mine. However, if the owner had my thoughts, there would have been no book, or mov...more

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Sep 11, 2011 Pam rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: first-reads

Celia Rivenbark never disappoints. I love her. She is one of the few authors who I actually laugh out loud while reading. She writes hilariously about everyday situations from science fairs with our kids, to twitter, to being hounded at the mall by all the kiosk people.

She shares her opinions on everything. From grown sons moving back with their parents:

"All of which is to say that it's never a good idea for grown sons to move back in with the 'rents no matter where you live. In America, almost...more

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Sep 07, 2011 Brittany rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: first-read, non-fiction

Some days there's nothing better than a snarky book and a few mindless hours of enjoying the shortcomings of others. I'm feeling especially fond of such activities as I'm feeling under the weather and certainly in need of an easy pick-me-up.
With thoughtful anecdotes about the future of sex-starved Chinese bachelors and numerous TLC reality star digs, Celia Rivenbark delivers humor in nearly every line. Think Chelsea Handler, but as a good Southern church-goer. That sort of takes all the fun out...more

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Sep 12, 2011 Books for Me - Linda rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2011, goodreads-first-read, free-publisher-review-copy

This is a collection of essays the author put together to make light of life. She includes everything from cooking to talk show hosts, from reality television to elderly people and their bathroom breaks. She has no boundaries.
I found it to be very funny. I literally laughed out loud for most of the book. There was a lot of profanity and slang used in here. Some of the slang lost me. Ha! Yes, that's embarrassing but it did. I had to say things a couple of times or say them aloud to figure out wha...more

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Sep 17, 2011 Shoshanah rated it 4 of 5 stars

I've never read anything be this author, but I've definitely noticed her books before. With previous titles as Stop Dressing Your Six-Your-Old Like a Skank and Bless Your Heart, Tramp, how could you not notice them? I think this book is officially considered to be a collection of humorous essay, but she reminds me so much of Jen Lancaster that I'm thinking it could also be considered a memoir. She does mention her family as well which helps the memoir classification, plus I don't currently have...more

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Oct 18, 2011 Traci rated it 4 of 5 stars

I have been reading Celia Rivenbark since I first discovered her in our library. I'm not sure which book caught my eye first - a tie, probably, between "We're Just Like You, Only Prettier" and "Bless Your Heart, Tramp". Both had me laughing myself silly and thinking I had found a new Southern friend (of course, she doesn't know me from Adam, but I still think she'd at least stop and say "Heeeeeeey!" to me if I said it first). The next few books were still cute, but were lacking something, someth...more I have been reading Celia Rivenbark since I first discovered her in our library. I'm not sure which book caught my eye first - a tie, probably, between "We're Just Like You, Only Prettier" and "Bless Your Heart, Tramp". Both had me laughing myself silly and thinking I had found a new Southern friend (of course, she doesn't know me from Adam, but I still think she'd at least stop and say "Heeeeeeey!" to me if I said it first). The next few books were still cute, but were lacking something, something I just could never put my finger on.

I'm happy to say that Rivenbark is back in rare form with this book. I found myself laughing, snickering, and once or twice, downright chortling along with her humorous recollections of all sorts of things almost menopausal. Yep, CR has hit "the change" in her life - right at the same time that her darling daughter, Princess, is hitting puberty. She has great sympathy for her Duh hubby (as would I), but still, if he doesn't provide them both chocolate on a consistent basis, his life may quickly be forfeit.

I especially loved "Twitter Woes" (as I am completely incapable of holding myself to 140 characters - it's why I have a blog!) and "You Know You Want It: Snuggie's Embrace Will Melt You". No, I do not nor have I ever owned a Snuggie, nor do I want to. But I am one of those Yankees who is constantly amazed by the natives' reaction to cold/winter weather. I have never lived anywhere that closes school due to a threat of snow; in my old home state, it took several inches - nay, feet - before we were allowed the comfort of lounging at home. The words "snow day" were always said with much hope when I was growing up, but except for the infamous Blizzard of '78, we were rarely sitting at home due to the white stuff. We've lived here in North Carolina for almost 10 years now, and we still giggle at people complaining about the "cold". Of course, the longer we're here, the closer we get to being those people; something about living here in the South must thin the blood. Well, that and my duh-hubby's blood pressure meds...

If you need yourself a good laugh, go find a copy of this book. It's just chockful of good stuff, and hey, if that doesn't float your boat, how can you not love the lady on the cover? Doesn't she just look like she's having the time of her life? (less)

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Nov 21, 2011 Alison rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: pop-culture, humor, essays, brevity, american, journalism, read-in-2011, columnists, newspapers

First of all, at least judging by the author's photo next to her bio, she is decidedly not fat. So, that kind of annoys me.

And there's a very "kiss my grits" style of sassy-ness in each entry, and at least for the first couple of entries, I found it kind of cloying.

Having said that, I like writers who analyzes or satirize the seemingly trifling elements of popular culture, (despite the fact that it means their material may not exactly hold up after 10 years because of the contemporary reference...more

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Sep 30, 2011 Lindsay rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: first-reads

When I won this in the first reads giveaway, I thought, "This could be really good, or really bad." I'm glad to say that it wasn't really bad. Hardly five stars though, either.
My biggest complaint is not even Celia Rivenbark's fault, but my own. I live way up here in Canada, and am far too occupied with our own political fiasco, to know the ins and outs of American politics as well. Much of the humor was over my head, and I had no urge to sit reading in front of my computer, open to google.
I fo...more

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Aug 05, 2011 Sharon rated it 5 of 5 stars

This is the fourth of Celia Rivenbark's books that I have read; suffice it to say that I'm a fan.

Rivenbark takes no prisoners with her witty essays on topics ranging from Twitter to elementary school science fairs and the cultures associated with them. She pokes fun at Southern culture, sexual addiction and politics as well. Some of the essays are laugh-out-loud funny, some of them are snarky and some of them are thought-provoking. Many of them are all three. She even takes on her family, with a...more

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Jul 24, 2011 Kerri rated it 3 of 5 stars

First, let me mention that this was an ARC I won from Goodreads.

Now, what can I say about this book? I suppose I went into it with really high hopes. After all, I do love Dave Barry and the author was compared to him. I have to say, there were definitely parts where I was laughing my butt off, but, overall, I was pretty underwhelmed. I can't really put my finger on why, though. Perhaps it was the disjointed feeling of the essays on various, non-related topics. Perhaps that's just not the type of...more

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Sep 15, 2011 Agnes Mack rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: first-reads

I had a lot of issues with You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl (which I received at no cost from the publisher via the Goodreads First Reads program). First, Mrs. Rivenbark doesn't appear to be terribly bright. At one point she goes on about how she became anemic, which she apparently thinks means that she has hardly any blood. Some of her ignorant statements made me cringe but some of them she was clearly just proud of. For example:

“I got news for the New Yorker: I don't even get half those

...more I had a lot of issues with You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl (which I received at no cost from the publisher via the Goodreads First Reads program). First, Mrs. Rivenbark doesn't appear to be terribly bright. At one point she goes on about how she became anemic, which she apparently thinks means that she has hardly any blood. Some of her ignorant statements made me cringe but some of them she was clearly just proud of. For example:

“I got news for the New Yorker: I don't even get half those black-and-white cartoons you're so proud of.”

Congratulations. I'm not sure you should be bragging about that, though.

She's also a huge fan of racially profiling Muslims at the airport. At one point she defended her stance with some kind of dog/tiger metaphor, which didn't make much sense.

“Hey I know that the overwhelming majority of Muslims in this world are kind, decent folk who only want to work hard, worship peacefully and raise happy, healthy families. Everybody knows that. But look at it this way: you're walking down the street and you see a tiger on one side and a dog on the other. OK, it can be Mickey Rourke's Chihuahua for the sake of illustration. Which side do you want to walk on? I'll give you a hint: It ain't the tiger's.”

Yes, I would certainly rather pass a dog on the street than a tiger. But what the hell do tigers have to do with Muslims?

She further explains her enlightened stance thusly:

“But what of the trampling of individual rights, you ask? Hey, like Gandhi or somebody said, you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. And if those eggs happen to be stamped U.S. CONSTITUTION, well, that was written way before air travel so it's not all that relevant.”

In general, I just didn't find her jokes to be funny. She calls her husband 'Duh-Hubby' and her daughter “The Princess.” She thinks a t-shirt that says: “Ask Me About My Explosive Diarrhea” is super hilarious. There were a ton of pop culture references and a lot of her trying to use slang that just felt kind of gross considering she's, well, not a teenager. I'm a fan of snarky commentary but this went well beyond the point of being snarky and was just mean, plus not funny - which is a really bad combination.

Overall, I was extremely disappointed in this book and would not recommend it to anyone.(less)

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Aug 06, 2011 Laurie Gold rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction, humor

"If Joe Bob Briggs and Libby Gelman-Waxner had a love-child (improbable in more ways than one, not the least of which is that both were invented characters) who grew up Southern and wrote a book, she would be Celia Rivenbark and the book would be You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl. Filled with colorful, inventive and often invented prose, pop culture-infused content that remains unconcerned with political correctness, mockery of self and others, the book is breezy and easy to read fun."

Read the...more

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Mar 03, 2012 Laura rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: awesome

I had never heard of this author before, but browsing in the bookstore the title caught my attention so I picked it up. I laughed so hard through most of this book. I love that she is captivated by many of the same pop culture references that fascinate me. Her story about the snakes coming up from Florida and the rednecks with the transmission had me laughing so hard I was in tears. I love that she seems so nice and sweet at first, but actually she's rather edgy. I plan to read her earlier books...more

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Sep 14, 2011 Sandy rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: first-reads, own

There is something for everyone in this book as Celia hits upon many topics in this book from the TSA to marriage to the Snuggie. I found myself reading outloud to my husband in bed and the both of us laughing and totally relating to what she had to say. Just when I think I have my favorite topic from her book I read a little bit further and I find something else and change my mind. Her conversation (if you can call it that) with the clerk at the smoothie shop at the mall had me almost in tears....more

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Oct 19, 2011 Melissa Lee-tammeus rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: borrowed

This is a great book if you don't want anything too serious. When I began reading these tiny quips I thought I would definitely need to look into her other books, however by the end, the Southern belle twangy, overly talkative, add a recipe anywhere it fits author was starting to wear thin. This author, for me, is a great friend, but one you can only take for a two hour lunch about every two months. Funny, over the top, highly opinionated, and the "yeah, I'm Southern" attitude can only be taken...more

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Jul 11, 2011 Mary rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: first-reads

This book was laugh out loud funny! I really enjoyed the various chapters outlined by the author and her wicked sense of humor. Some of stories I found to be the funniest in the book include:

Twitter Woes: I've Got Plenty of Characters, Just No character
Bitter! Party of Me
Happy 50th Birtday Barbie! Midge Has Your Back (Stabbed)
Menopause Spurs Thoughts of Death and Turkey

Clearly Celia Rivenbark has a wonderful sense of humor and is able to articulate some of those things that many of us have been...more

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Sep 23, 2011 Penny rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: giveaway-shelf

Considering I always allow a book a full star if they make me laugh out loud (2 if I pee my pants), Rivenbark did fairly well. You Don't Sweat Much For A Fat Girl is Crass, opinionated, crude, and surprisingly funny.

I would say that Rivenbark just "says it like it is" but she doesn't. Rather, she "says it like she sees it" with no allowances for anyone else's POV and maybe just a tad too condescending. In the name of humour, I accept this. I relax and enjoy a chuckle. The style of the book, how...more

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Apr 11, 2012 Jaidis Shaw rated it 2 of 5 stars

I won an Advance Readers' Edition of You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl by Celia Rivenbark through the GoodReads First Reads program. This is the first book that I have read by Celia Rivenbark and honestly it will probably be my last. The book is made up of a collection of essays in which she tells the reader her thoughts on different topics while trying to include some snarky humor.

Being someone who dishes out her fair share of snark and sarcastic comments, I found little of that within this b...more

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Aug 24, 2011 Natalie rated it 4 of 5 stars

Oh Celia. You're always reliable to fulfill my snark craving. If you haven't read any of her books, you're missing out. Celia writes witty essays exposing the seriously messed up aspects of our culture. I spit coke out of my nose when I read her thoughts on Marly and Me, and how "Marley needed to die a lot sooner". Amen sister. That dog was wack. Only Celia would look to Betty Draper for Motherhood inspiration and drag the Science Fair moms under the bus. And I really want to hit the mall togeth...more

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Sep 12, 2011 Mindy rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: nonfiction

I won this book through the Goodreads First Readers Program. I had never read anything my Celia Rivenbark before, but this book did its job, because now I plan to read more of her books.

I always rate a book by if I would reccommend it to others, and I would definitely reccommend this book to others. ( Well some people) I can see why some might be offended by some if the things Rivenbark says. (I wasn't, I thought she was hilarious!) This would be a good book to read when you are on a vacation,...more

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Sep 10, 2011 Twolf rated it 3 of 5 stars

I really like the opening..very funny..she mixes her sarcasm and southern values becoming ironic to say the least. It had a few sections that I buzzed through, and others I took me time with because I was giggling so much. Overall a funny, relatable, and enjoyable read. I would definitely read other books written by Celia Rivenbark. Thank you so much for this book as I recieved it free from Good Reads, It was so wonderful to recieve such a fun read in ther mail like Celia Rivenbark's "YOU DON'T...more

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Sep 08, 2011 Beth rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: blog-review

Originally published at BethsBookReviews.com

This was only marginally amusing, at best, and I'm being very generous. I'm not sure if it's because I'm from New England and really resent the author's use of the term "Yankee" or what, but I really found this more than a bit offensive.

The only, only good thing about the entire book was the information about a study scientists did on cats to see how they spent their time (watching TV, playing, sleeping, looking out the window, etc.).

I strongly recom...more

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Sep 27, 2011 Kristen rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: first-reads, memoir, humor, 2-stars

I love humorists. I think when reading a humorist that matches up with your point of view, it can be truly amazing. Unfortunately, Celia Rivenbark just isn't my cup of tea. That's not to say that she isn't funny, it's just that her humor isn't something that I can relate to. Celia is a southern, middle-aged woman who is going through perimenopause, living with her husband and teenage daughter. Her essays are short, making the book easy to read. She writes like she talks, so business is "bidness"...more

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Sep 01, 2011 LiteraryMarie rated it 4 of 5 stars

First, just take a look at the book cover. The lady is chilling on a floating device in all her ample proportioned glory. That is all.

In her latest collection of essays, Celia Rivenbark tells it like it is, with her trademark funny southern snark. I've read a couple of her other works (Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank: A Slightly Tarnished Southern Belle's Words of Wisdom and Belle Weather: Mostly Sunny with a Chance of Scattered Hissy Fits). It is my opinion that You Don't Sweat Muc...more

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Nov 14, 2011 Lori rated it 1 of 5 stars Recommends it for: No one

Recommended to Lori by: It's an ARC

Shelves: really-bad-to-unreadable, biographies-autobiographies-memoirs

This is an ARC I received after the pub date. Nevertheless, here's my review.

Just a few pages in I had three uproarious laughs. I expected more hilarity, and I read and waited, read and waited, read and waited...never happened.

I really was expecting to like this book; I love humor...now I can't imagine why anyone would have published this garbage. (Hey, I'm nothing if not honest.)

Reading this book, I was reminded of a failure of a really bad stand-up comedienne: a lone, unfunny, can't-carry-it-o...more This is an ARC I received after the pub date. Nevertheless, here's my review.

Just a few pages in I had three uproarious laughs. I expected more hilarity, and I read and waited, read and waited, read and waited...never happened.

I really was expecting to like this book; I love humor...now I can't imagine why anyone would have published this garbage. (Hey, I'm nothing if not honest.)

Reading this book, I was reminded of a failure of a really bad stand-up comedienne: a lone, unfunny, can't-carry-it-off onstage person whose every "joke" is a bomb. Her attempts at tongue-in-cheek don't work either.

Aside from being boring and much too wordy, "You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl" is like a year-old iPhone: Obsolete. Most of the topics are stale--a few *years* stale. We're all over and past Viagra; "Marley & Me"; the terrorist with explosives in his underwear; the Snuggie; how Burger King is loyal to its mascot...who happened to be dropped from any further campaigns months before this book came out....Everyone's done with her subjects; I have to wonder if this book was copyedited--at least--to make it relevant; edited--at *least*--to make it current...which is rare in this volume.

Rivenbark is coarse, rough, piggish, sarcastic, corny, prejudiced--and ***not*** in a funny kind of way; she's just plain not funny.

To no end, this middle-aged--and I don't mean that in a bad way, but to illustrate this ridiculous, Southern wannabe-comic who morphs from 50s cheese slang to gangsta to Ebonics. It doesn't work. Not in the least. This self-proclaimed "overweight," pure-white-bread woman comes up with such inappropriate gems as "What up with that?", "chirren," the cringe-inducing "I was flying on bidness...", and "True that." Worse, she tells us: "Baby got back." Eek: it's embarrassing; she misses the mark time and time again.

I nearly abandoned this book several times, but, as I mentioned, it's an ARC, and, well, I also just kept waiting for it--SOMEthing--to be funny.

I see she's got great reviews at Amazon...maybe the readers who enjoy her are people just like her, and with the same sense of humor, so can better identify? I mean, can all of her readers be hillbillies? Maybe so.

Really sorry for the slam, Rivenbark, and I'm glad you have readers who love you; but this city-bred girl doesn't. Good luck with your next book. And I mean that.(less)

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Oct 11, 2011 Kate rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2011-reads, first-reads, written-a-review

I'm sorry to say I didn't love this book. I didn't even really like it. I read the first couple of vignettes and had to put it down. Then, I thought maybe I wasn't being fair - so I finished the whole thing. The comparisons to Dave Berry are probably apt - though I really don't like him either. I was really looking forward to finding a snappy, witty female creative non-fiction writer in the vein of Sedaris or Burroughs.

Her stories are sort of interesting, but kind of go no where - the humour is...more

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Nov 29, 2011 Laima rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: first-reads, 2011-reading-challenge, humour

***I won this book from Goodreads as a First Reads giveaway***

YOU DONT SWEAT MUCH for a fat girl- Observations on Life from the SHALLOW END of the POOL by Celia Rivenbark.

This book is absolutely hilarious! Celia Rivenbark (and I always want to say Riverbank) is the South’s answer to Erma Bombeck. In this collection of 28 short stories, Celia’s views on life are filled with “her trademark style of southern snark and sass”.

If you need a laugh and want to read some smart ass humour this is the boo...more

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About Celia Rivenbark

Celia Rivenbark was born and raised in Duplin County, NC, which had the distinction of being the nation's number 1 producer of hogs and turkeys during a brief, magical moment in the early 1980s.
Celia grew up in a small house in the country with a red barn out back that was populated by a couple of dozen lanky and unvaccinated cats. Her grandparents' house, just across the ditch, had the first ind...more Celia Rivenbark was born and raised in Duplin County, NC, which had the distinction of being the nation's number 1 producer of hogs and turkeys during a brief, magical moment in the early 1980s.
Celia grew up in a small house in the country with a red barn out back that was populated by a couple of dozen lanky and unvaccinated cats. Her grandparents' house, just across the ditch, had the first indoor plumbing in Teachey, NC and family lore swears that people came from miles around just to watch the toilet flush.
Despite this proud plumbing tradition, Celia grew up without a washer and dryer. On every Sunday afternoon of her childhood, while her mama rested up from preparing a fried chicken and sweet potato casserole lunch, she, her sister and her daddy rode to the laundromat two miles away to do the weekly wash.
It was at this laundromat, where a carefully lettered sign reminded customers that management was "NOT RESONSIBLE" for lost items, that Celia shirked "resonsibility" her own self and snuck away to read the big, fat Sunday News & Observer out of Raleigh, NC. By age 7, she'd decided to be a newspaper reporter.
Late nights, she'd listen to the feed trucks rattle by on the highway and she'd go to sleep wondering what exotic cities those noisy trucks would be in by morning (Richmond? Atlanta? Charlotte?) Their headlights crawling across the walls of her little pink bedroom at the edge of a soybean field were like constellations pointing the way to a bigger life, a better place, a place where there wasn't so much turkey shit everywhere.
After a couple of years of college, Celia went to work for her hometown paper, the Wallace, NC Enterprise. The locals loved to say, as they renewed their "perscriptions," that "you can eat a pot of rice and read the Enterprise and go to bed with nothing on your stomach and nothing on your mind."
Mebbe. But Celia loved the Enterprise. Where else could you cover a dead body being hauled out of the river (alcohol was once again a contributing factor) in the morning and then write up weddings in the afternoon?
After eight years, however, taking front-page photos of the publisher shaking hands with other fez-wearing Shriners and tomatoes shaped like male "ginny-talia" was losing its appeal.
Celia went to work for the Wilmington, NC Morning Star after a savvy features editor was charmed by a lead paragraph in an Enterprise story about the rare birth of a mule: "Her mother was a nag and her father was a jackass."
The Morning Star was no News and Observer but it came out every day and Celia got to write weddings for 55,000 readers instead of 3,500, plus she got a paycheck every two weeks with that nifty New York Times logo on it.
After an unfortunate stint as a copy editor - her ass expanded to a good six ax handles across - Celia started writing a weekly humor column that fulfilled her lifelong dream of being paid to be a smart ass. Along the way, she won a bunch of press awards, including a national health journalism award - hilarious when you consider she's never met a steamed vegetable she could keep down.
Having met and married a cute guy in sports, Celia found herself happily knocked up at age 40 and, after 21 years, she quit newspapering to stay home with her new baby girl.
After a year or so, she started using Sophie's two-hour naps to write a humor column from the mommie front lines for the Sun News in Myrtle Beach, S.C. The column continues to run weekly and is syndicated by the McClatchy-Tribune News Services.
In 2000, Coastal Carolina Press published a collection of Celia's columns. A Southeast Book Sellers Association best-seller, Bless Your Heart, Tramp was nominated for the James Thurber Prize in 2001. David Sedaris won. He wins everything.

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More about Celia Rivenbark...

Books by Celia Rivenbark

We're Just Like You, Only Prettier: Confessions of a Tarnished Southern Belle

Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank: And Other Words of Delicate Southern Wisdom

Bless Your Heart, Tramp: And Other Southern Endearments

You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start in the Morning

Belle Weather: Mostly Sunny with a Chance of Scattered Hissy Fits

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“I'm what is known as perimenopausal. "Peri", some of you may know, is a Latin prefix meaning 'SHUT YOUR FLIPPIN' PIE HOLE".” — 12 people liked it

“I feel guilty looking at those "People of Walmart" photos you see on the Internet. It's not cool to make fun of pitiful people. You really think anyone who wasn't batshit crazy would walk out of the house in a camouflage mankini and a Confederate flag ball cap to go buy some new furnace filters? No, he's cray-cray.” — 6 people liked it

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title link	preview: You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl: Observations on Life from the Shallow End of the Pool
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You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl: Observations on Life from the Shallow End of the Pool

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