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Nov 12, 2008

Kathrynn rated it:

I think this author produced a well-thought out book. It focuses on helping women move away from unproductive anger and learning to be angry with positive, effective results.

There is a section on women who don't "allow" themselves to be angry that I didn't spend much time on because never felt I wasn't allowed to be angry. There is another portion on "de-selfing" which involves a person (male/female) allowing another in their relationship to walk all over them a More...

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Oct 18, 2008

Ladiibbug rated it:

** A Life Changing Book **

Read years ago. This book made a huge impact on my life, and changed my life dramatically for the better.

The Dance of Anger, recommended by a therapist, will show the reader how to express anger -- and deal with anger being directed toward you -- without yelling, screaming, name calling, etc.

This was literally the first clue I ever got about how to express anger in a calm way and to actually RESOLVE an issue, without constantly explo More...

2 comments like (3 people liked it)

May 27, 2008

Khaya rated it:

Wow. This was a really great book, one which I appreciated on both a personal and a professional level. Written in a deceptively simple self-help/pop psych style, this book had the advantages of being highly readable, practical, and almost entertaining, appealing to a lay audience. At the same time, this book was based on solid Bowen theory and was far from superficial or facile.

This book clarified a lot of things for me that I've been working on with my supervisor, and has been More...

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Dec 11, 2007

Kathie rated it:

I know my friends are sick of hearing about her, but Harriet Lerner is a genius and my own personal guru (from afar). I never really thought I'd read a self-help book(especially one on relationships, eek), but I've re-read this one three times at different points in my life. The books (there's a Dance series) are easy to read, her case studies are good because the examples are ones that everyone can find in their own lives, and her advice is really sound. The basic premise is that if you're u More...

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Feb 17, 2009

Angela rated it:

This is a great book for anyone who's ever been, currently or will be angry with someone else. It will teach you how to better communicate your anger in more effective ways so that you can produce favorable results. In addition, it will teach you how to change your own behavior to influence someone else's behavior. Harriet's breakdown of the coveted triangle, where a third person becomes involved with a relationship between two other people, is helpful because it is applicable to everyone. B More...

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Mar 07, 2008

Dana rated it:

Excellent book for women of all walks to read!! It's not what it sounds like. I know we all are programmed away from anger. Anger is BAAAAAAD, right? Well, this is one of Harriet Lerner's fabulous books that teaches women how to use our emotions in a positive way to get our needs met. It's a book about boundaries and using our anger...recognizing it as a gps system. Our anger is valid and it is always telling us something.

This is not a book about venting or blowing off steam. More...

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Mar 10, 2011

Angie rated it:

This book has been quoted to me for many years and my boss recently recommended it.

It is one of the first self help books on the topic and it took years of rejection for Harriet Lerner to get it published. While it is targeted to women, it applies to everyone.

I liked the opportunity to use anger to define self and I appreciated the context of societal roles by gender even though I tend to be more "masculine" in my expression of anger.

The best pa More...

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Mar 16, 2010

Chris rated it:

Great book and a worthwhile read for women and men. From my own experience, I was battling my ex for over a year to get our divorce settled. After I read the book, I changed my approach from being more emotional and pursuing, to being more cool and detached. Within 3 weeks, we had our divorce settlement finalized and signed by lawyers. Why? Because the book taught me that if I want the opposite reaction of my partner, I had to do the opposite of what she was doing. And it worked perfectly!

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Aug 11, 2009

Rebecca rated it:

I read Dance of Anger as soon as I finished Dance of Intimacy. The lessons of each book are the same, just with different examples and a slightly different focus. I gave both books five stars because I like the subject so much and I think Lerner does a great job of clearly explaining how to practically apply the concepts.

I LOVE and embrace the concepts of patterns in relationships, overfunctioning/underfunctioning, family systems and triangles. The most powerful message I took f More...

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Apr 25, 2009

Rebecca rated it:

constantly re-reading this one since 2004.

seriously. this is a great book to keep on your bookshelves amongst literary fiction and a few aesthetically pleasing picture books...it really makes people do a double-take. ...even though they'd never admit it.
I actually love how awfully self-help this book looks.

If you get in fights with your mother--or your partner--or strangers (and maybe sometimes the fights stay in your head)...this is the book for you.

If I we More...

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Aug 08, 2011

Jeremy rated it:

Helpful book. Guys may be turned off due to the subtitle: "A Woman's Guide...", but Lerner's principles aptly apply to men too. Also, anger may be the topic, but a healthier relationship is the goal. She helps break down how anger, instead of causing endless cycles of frustration, can be used as a tool to deepen our relationships with loved ones and to better understand our true selves.

Some stuff Lerner discusses: misconceptions of anger (ch 1); marital discord and breaking t More...

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Mar 02, 2011

Kassandra rated it:

Self help books normally make me want to vomit. Or at least squirm uncomfortably. This book I can honestly recommend without reserve. It gives real and practical advice on conflict. I think that the title is some what misleading as you don't have to have a problem with anger to get something out of this book. It sort of addresses that when she talks about how there are people who express anger externally and those who internalize. Either way, this book is very readable and gave me a lot of More...

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Mar 03, 2010

Aerin rated it:

I read this after Dance of Intimacy, and they are somewhat similar. However. I do think this one focuses more on the feelings of anger and how we react to them. As with "Intimacy", I think it is useful for both men and women. When I first saw this book, even though I read and loved Intimacy, I thought, "Anger? I don't need this book, I'm not an angry person." But, was I wrong. This book addresses both extremes, as well as states in between: giving into anger and emotion More...

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Mar 04, 2011

Robin rated it:

I've been reading a lot of books for therapy and gleaning little bits here and there that were semi-applicable to my life. This is literally the first book that I read and from the outset every word helped.

A great book (with some dated 1970s feminist language) that helps a person see how they react in times of stress and anger and how with observation one can begin to get out of the seemed ingrained ruts and patterns of fighting coolly and calmly.

I've always had trouble e More...

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Jun 06, 2010

Meggen rated it:

I like reading books that give me some perspective. I would probably never pick this book up since I'm weary of any type of "self-help" book. Luckily it was recommended to me because I have been eating up chunks of this book up at a time. It reads like a friend/mentor talking to you about the dynamics of anger in intimate relationships (sibling, parent, child, spouse, etc.) - particularly from a woman's perspective. It's not so much a book about managing your anger, but understanding More...

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Feb 10, 2011

Olivia rated it:

I honestly don't know why no one ever recommended this book to me before now, it was copywrited in 1985 for pete's sake, and it's unbelievably life altering. It has changed my whole look on Anger and how to use it for change. It has brought so much peace in my life and my only complaint is that I didn't read it sooner.

I realize now my anger stems for over-functioning for everyone around me. And it wasn't until this book that I realized my part in this. And now I know change is poss More...

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Oct 25, 2009

Skylar rated it:

I recently heard a sermon on anger at my church. When I saw the sermon topic printed in the bulletin, I felt reluctant. I expected to hear what you sometimes do in Christian circles, that anger is bad and one should avoid becoming angry. I was not eager to hear this message, as I had been feeling strong anger about some personal injuries I had experienced, but I prayed I would receive the message with an open mind. The rector, however, said nothing of anger being either bad or good; he said, ra More...

7 comments like (5 people liked it)

May 30, 2009

Izlinda rated it:

Well, I ended up reading the 1985 edition since it's one of three books in a collection by Harriet Lerner, and it was published in 2003. Maybe the 2005 edition is more updated in terms of scenarios or language or something more than a new introduction. I don't know.

Some of the language here is a bit...formal. And I suppose cheesy, when the woman is putting forth into action how to state her problem and change the dance. But then I think back to when I try to express myself with my bo More...

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Jan 21, 2012

Jennifer rated it:

I can be wary of self-help, but I wouldn't call this your average self-help book. This had a huge impact on me. There is actually a section in this book called "Learning How Not to Be Helpful" which is now full of stars and underlines...as a woman who at some point has taken to heart every societal message that women should martyr themselves to everyone else's demands but those of their own psyches, I would highly recommend reading this book, like, ten years ago.

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May 22, 2009

Christine rated it:

A brilliant teaching book, it opens your eyes and shows you a side to life you may not have known existed and how to change yourself so all around you can change with you. The book teaches but if you are not ready to leanr, it wont do anything for you, but if you are ready to learn, it will give you great insight. It changed me, my life, my patterns and helped me understand the patterns around me, and understanding something is the greatest knowledge in life.

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Dec 30, 2011

L rated it:

It has been years since I read this book and it is as good as I remember. Clear and simple in how to get to the root of issues, take responsibility (not try to change the other person) and handle things productively. It talks about how when one person over-functions, this allows the other person to under-function (any guesses on which role the woman usually has? <grin>) and how to correct that balance. I think that every woman should read this book! Excellent.

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Dec 30, 2011

Cassie (C.M.W.) rated it:

This is a good basic guide to "the patterns of intimate relationships", but I feel it's quite dated in its approach to women as audience. The author is allowed to be different; the reader is pigeonholed as overemotional nurturer. Those of us who don't fit that mold, or were, perhaps, raised a generation later/as or by feminists, may not find answers in Dr Lerner's case histories. Chapter 9 is really very useful, though.

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Mar 26, 2011

Roniq rated it:

This is truly one of the best self help books I've ever read. I know I will come back to it again, like I do with other "Tools", I have on my shelf. A great book about setting boundaries,relationship triangles,
changing anger into productive action and stricking a balance between individualism and togetherness, told with easily identifiable scenerios. Highly recommended!!!

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Mar 13, 2011

cagey rated it:

I recently re-read this book - I've been in a cycle of unhealthy friendships and a lot of anger. If you are not familiar with Harriet Lerner, I cannot recommend her enough. Very readable and she is not a preacher. She really examines way that we can communicate better and change our own "dances" of emotions with loved ones and even those we with whom we work.

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Oct 05, 2011

Amanda rated it:

I will admit I have a tendancy to over-react when things happen. I read this book to see if I could get any insight on my anger issues. I felt it helped me gain some knowledge on controlling emotions and such. For anyone who has questions about anger and relationships, this book goes over different scenarios involving different relationships.

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Jul 05, 2011

Gloria rated it:

While this does not need to be limited to women because the messages are applicable to all sorts of anger, this is specifically offered as a message to women. This was written more than 20 years ago. The funny irony is that you realize the situations are timeless. Women have apparently been angry a long time. Many scenarios are presented. Reminds me of the column in I think Ladies Home Journal entitled "Can This Marriage Be Saved?" Each story is meant to be pondered and its principles More...

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Jun 06, 2009

Ruth rated it:

There were a lot of interesting things I learned in this book. It made me think about anger issues in a new way. I especially learned from the idea that anger is generally circular and not linear (meaning, A doesn't cause B nor B cause A; they feed off of one another). Much of the discussion seems just like common sense, but sometimes we can be blind to the ways we stir things up, so it was insightful. It was interesting to read how one person is generally the underfunctioner and another is More...

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Dec 17, 2011

Betty rated it:

This is a "golden oldie" but still a favorite. I read it for the first time many years ago, during a difficult period in my life. Although I usually dislike self-help books and almost never re-read anything, I think I read this one through three times and then referred back to it over and again. It was an enormous help to me in understanding and improving some difficult dynamics in my family.

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Oct 29, 2009

Cathy rated it:

One of the only self-help books I thought was... helpful. Don't remember the details after 20 years but the basic idea really stuck. Don't expect someone else to change, you have to do it. And if you do, expect a reaction. The book deals with all sorts of relationships, mom/child, husband/wife, boss/employee, etc.

3 comments like (1 person liked it)

Jun 28, 2011

Elle rated it:

A fitting companion to Nonviolent Communication, this resource is worth reading and re-reading with its very approachable family systems and social psychology insights specifically geared to women and the enculturated challenges they face in the West learning to be assertive when dealing with their families, friends, bosses and significant others.

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