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His exclusive interview with Bizarro Press.

BP: The world wants to know: How does "Danger" Slater live up to his name? What's the most dangerous thing you've ever done, anyway?

DS: Some people say I’m the world’s most flammable writer, but other people say “Who the hell is Danger Slater?” Look, let’s not kid ourselves – there are a million shitty writers in the world, but there’s only one who gratuitously uses exclamation points...and that’s ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The most dangerous thing I’ve ever done was this one time I thought I ate an undercooked egg. Turned out the egg was cooked just fine and I had just spilt a little bit of orange juice on it, but holy shit, what an intense breakfast that was!

BP: What safety precautions do you typically take, and would you ever consider changing your name to "Safety" Slater instead.

DS: Writing can be a lot more dangerous than you’d think, so yes, a modicum of safety is necessary if you wish to survive composing a story. I usually wear condoms on all of my fingers so I don’t contract a virus from my computer. I also have several class B fire extinguishers prepped and ready in case my typing gets a little out of control. There is also the crew of CPR-certified emergency personnel that I keep locked in my hall closet 24/7 to address any of my medical and sexual needs. But to answer your question, would I ever consider changing my name to Safety? It wouldn’t be necessary. Safety’s my middle name.

BP: You have a story in the latest volume of our Tall Tales with Short Cocks anthology. Please explain why anyone should give a shit.

DS: It’s called "The Apple of my iPhone" and it’s about a guy who fucks a Blackberry. Nah, I’m just kidding. He fucks an iPhone. And that happens within the first paragraph. From there things get weird. It’s sort of like Sleepless in Seattle meets Terminator 2. Except with more phone fucking.

BP: I was thinking more like You've Got Mail meets The Fly. But why use an iPhone and not, say, a walkman, or a pager?

DS: Or perhaps it’s more akin to Pretty Woman meets The Lawnmower Man. Let’s be honest here, if a human being is going to make love to an electronic gadget, it’s probably going to be an iPhone. Not only is it the sexiest of all cellular devices, but it is also the most user-friendly. It really knows how to please. Of course, all this technology and power at our fingertips...it’s almost as if we plucked the “Apple” from the Tree of Knowledge... Plus who’s gonna have sex with a walkman? What is this, 1994?

BP: On this day (October 6th) in 1994, Ben Mokoena became the 1st black mayor of Middelburg, South Africa. Besides having sex with his walkman, what did Danger Slater do in 1994?

DS: Let’s see, in 1994 I was 11 years old, so I was probably busy murdering my ex-wife and then fleeing in my white Bronco, paying that bitch Nancy Kerrigan’s stupid kneecap a visit with my club, or just jamming out to some Blind Melon while dressed as an overweight female bumblebee. I was a little confused back then. Happy Mayoral Anniversary to Ben Mokoena!

BP: Instead of asking about your favorite authors/books, I'm about to throw you a genius curveball here, so get ready -- Tell us about the authors/books you simply can't stand.

DS: I guess this is where I’m supposed to start bashing Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey, right? Truth is, I’m not against these books by virtue of their content. Different strokes for different folks. I am, however, a little perplexed by how goddamn popular they are. Like, really, people? There’s a whole fucking world of awesome art for you to enjoy. How can you spend your time entrenched in this teenage soft-porn drivel when something like my epic existential comedy Love Me is available right now in paperback and for your Amazon Kindle? Do you like how I seamlessly worked that plug into my answer? I’m a total pro.

BP: I'm sure that books in the Epic Existential Comedy aisle are literally flying off the shelves. If not for fame and fortune, why do you write?

DS: Jeez. I wish I knew. For the love of creation, I guess. For the challenge to both come up with an interesting tale and then figure out how to effectively craft it. Back when I was 18, I was on a road trip with some friends and I was sitting in the way back of the van by myself with no one to talk to. On the seat next to me there was a copy of Cat’s Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut that I guess belonged to my friend or his mom or something. Out of sheer boredom, I picked it up and started reading. It was brilliant. Funny and full of truth and sadness and beauty and Vonnegut’s writing style is so blunt yet accessible – after having years of “classics” force fed down my throat by uninterested teachers who did nothing to promote my creativity or inspire me – reading Cat’s Cradle changed everything I thought I knew about literature. I had always liked to write, as far back as I could remember, but I knew in that moment in my friend’s van that writing was more to me that just a simple hobby. It’s was more like a calling.

BP: J.K. Rowling, Stephenie Meyer, and Maya Angelou. Bang one, marry one, and kill one.

DS: Easy. I would marry J.K. Rowling because she’s got the most money and if it means I could finally afford to own KITT from Knight Rider, then I’m all for it. I’d bang Stephanie Meyer because she’s (arguably) the most attractive of the three. As for Ms. Angelou, my sincerest apologies. I know your writing has been lauded by nearly every literary institution on the planet and your life’s work has inspired millions upon millions of people, but I’m gonna have to put a bullet in your brain.

BP: Interesting. Arthur Graham married Maya Angelou, banged J.K. Rowling, and killed Stephanie Meyer, but it's Danger Slater we're discussing here, not me. Tell us an amusing anecdote from your time behind bars. Presumably you did some time after shooting my wife?

DS: Apologies, bro, but you killed my fuck buddy and fucked my wife. I’m just paying it forward. And dude, Maya Angelou is like 85 years old. It's coming soon whether I pull the trigger or not.

BP: Who do you plan on voting for in the upcoming presidential election and why?

DS: Sorry, my lobotomy is scheduled for that afternoon and I’m afraid I won’t be able to make it out to the polls.

BP: Describe what it means to be an American in 58 words or less, keeping in mind that anything longer will automatically be flagged by the DHS Goodreads dragnet.

DS: Boisterous, neurotic, mindless consumerism fueled by a system that rewards unscrupulous, capitalist Darwinism and unchecked corporate greed. Plus, frozen yogurt places. We seem to have a shit-ton of frozen yogurt places.

BP: When you get to Heaven, what do you hope to hear God say?

DS: “You’re late, motherfucker. I got the popcorn ready. Grab yourself a beer from the fridge and let’s watch those suckers on Earth squirm and suffer.”