Only after long consideration and with the greatest hesitation do I undertake a fair, thorough, objective, and even-handed examination of feculent man-thing John Scalzi's allegedly best-selling fantasy trilogy The Shadow War of the Night Dragon, and, more in sorrow than anger, set out to deconstruct the testament of lies he wears like a LARP costume too long unwashed.

Astute readers are no doubt aware of Scalzi's extensive history in the fantasy genre where he, like a reverse Jesus Christ, labors ceaselessly to turn the heady wine of invention into piss-warm pondwater. If it were possible to make a clever literature-relevant metaphor about bread or fish here, you can rest assured that I would, but unlike world-class douchebastard John Scalzi I have an abiding sense of proportion and restraint.

Tor Books, obviously hard up for cash (an anonymous but trustworthy source tells me that John Scalzi insists on being paid in jelly donuts frosted with gold leaf and black tar heroin), has undertaken to publish a manga version of Scalzi's absolutely stolen, plagiarized, misbegotten Shadow War of the Night Dragon trilogy.

Come on! This is the worst thing Scalzi has done since he bribed the jury to ensure that his "experimental sexno-thriller" Colt Jackhammer: Pussy Magnet (Baen Books, 2010) won the Tiptree Award. And he did that last fucking year!

The Shadow War of the Night Dragon, in a just world, would be more properly known as The Night Shadow of the Dragon War and the author bio would describe ME, plus maybe some tasteful mentions of my biceps and the photo would be of me flexing my arms over a book on feminism or something, and I'd be half in shadow like I was about to attack, you know, and punch sexism in the face. But it would be low-key, of course, because I am not one to toot my own horn, unlike twitchy weasel-dicked scum merchant John Scalzi.

You see, in the winter of 1985, when I was 7, I began writing my very first epic fantasy, a work that eventually ran the full length of six Big Chief tablets. It was fresh, startling, and vital. Where my classmates unquestioningly accepted the bourgeois norms of such televisual soporifics as Thundercats and Silverhawks, I strove to question and subvert all genre essentialities. I called my mytho-fantabulist construct The Night Shadow of the Dragon War; no doubt you see the elegant refuted symmetry of my classist deconstruction and my tasteful shout-out to Omar Khayyám. If you do, you see more than the all-pilfering moral leper John Scalzi, who, near as I can tell, must have entered my house some time around Christmas, 1985, and stolen those Big Chief tablets.

How, you ask, would John Scalzi, who was then 16 years old and living several states away, have even known about the existence of my early masterwork, let alone how to travel to my house without parental permission and break in without leaving any visible evidence? These are VERY EXCELLENT QUESTIONS in that they indicate just how thoroughly Scalzi prepared for his heist, and what obscene lengths he was willing to go to to get his hands on something so plainly beyond the scope of his half-eaten gerbil pellet of a brain. Considered from this perspective, these questions can only be described as damning.

I have brought this evidence time and time again to Scalzi's publishers at Tor, and they have consistently obstructed my efforts to clear away the miasmic perjury-fog that wafts from Scalzi like stink from a man-sized colon. In fairness I should note that it would not be a particularly tall man-sized colon. Despite all hindrances, I take this battle very seriously and pursue it still. I give you my latest e-mail from editor Patrick Nielsen Hayden verbatim:

"What part of "restraining order" do you not understand, you crazy motherfucker? Bother me about this again and I swear to god, our lawyers will eat your balls on toast. Are you stupid, or are you just fucking stupid? --PNH"

This sort of abuse is absolutely typical of Patrick. It's why I submit all of my manuscripts to him using pseudonyms and why I am so going to laugh my ass off when he finally buys one. The ignorant FOOL. I look forward to the day that he tweets about his latest acquisition, not realizing that I follow him on Twitter and will immediately RT him with the evidence of his own blazing shame.

Justice is like a lonely submarine. Sometimes it must lurk beneath the waves for months at a time until the target floats by.

But I digress. In the end, what's important is this: The Shadow War of the Night Dragon is probably the worst thing John Scalzi has ever done. And he wrote the novelization for Meet the Spartans.
8 likes ·   •  4 comments  •  flag
Twitter icon
Published on April 01, 2012 17:08 • 671 views
Comments (showing 1-4 of 4) (4 new)    post a comment »
dateDown arrow    newest »

message 1: by Kaila (new)

Kaila I'm not entirely sure what happened here, but whatever it was, it was hilarious.

message 2: by Darren (new)

Darren Dayton I can't possibly laugh any harder right now... I need air.

message 3: by João (new)

João Dafuq did I just read? :p

message 4: by Noel (new)

Noel Baker Now that was funny.

back to top