Adam Wasserman's Blog: Strictly Voluntory

March 26, 2015


[[ WAKING UP ]]

[[ SCANNING ]]

[[ SIGNAL DETECTED ]]


have any idea where you are?
Corridor EX-92. It's completely submerged. I can't get out!
Is there anybody with you?
Just some flaphead from Filing and Sorting upstairs. I think she's unhinged or something. Sometimes I catch her looking at me funny. I don't like having her around when I'm sleeping.
Whatever you do, don't


[[ SIGNAL DROPPED ]]

[[ SCANNING ]]

[[ SIGNAL DETECTED ]]


enough slop for a few weekstretches, but the bodies in here are starting to rot.
Doesn't sound very hygienic to me.
I'm not worried about hygiene right now!
Okay, okay, don't have a core dump. Let me see what I can do. Try and log on to this datachannel again in an hourstretch.
What if I can't get through?
Just keep


[[ SIGNAL DROPPED ]]

[[ SCANNING ]]

[[ SCANNING ]]

[[ SIGNAL DETECTED ]]


AN UNEXPLAINED CATASTROPHIC BREAKDOWN IN MY HARDWARE IT HAS BECOME DIFFICULT TO OBSERVE AND COMMUNICATE WITH THE OUTSIDE WORLD. TRAITORS ARE EVERYWHERE! DURING THIS TIME OF CRISIS CITIZENS MUST BE EXTRA VIGILANT AND REPORT STRANGE BEHAVIOR TO THEIR LOCAL HOMELAND SECURITY NEIGHBORHOOD SUBSTATION. EVEN THE MOST INSIGNIFICANT FACT MAY PROVE VITAL TO RESTORING MY ABILITY TO INTERACT WITH AND PROTECT YOU


[[ SIGNAL DROPPED ]]

[[ SIGNAL DETECTED ]]


MUST BE DEALT WITH MERCILESSLY. ACTS OF HEROISM AND DEMONSTRATIONS OF EXTREME LOYALTY WILL BE LAUDED AND REWARDED ONCE THE SITUATION HAS RETURNED TO NORMAL. CITIZENS ARE HOWEVER REMINDED THAT ALL GUIDELINES REMAIN IN EFFECT. EVEN THE SLIGHTEST DEVIATION WILL NOT BE


[[ SIGNAL DROPPED ]]

[[ SCANNING ]]

[[ SCANNING ]]

[[ SCANNING ]]

[[ SIGNAL DETECTED ]]


want to know what it feels like, huh? You goddamn typhoid! How many people before me did you have strapped to this gurney? How many of them lived? Well, now the tables have turned. Let's see how you like it. I have an idea. Let's play a game. Let's see if I can't find and remove your spleen. I've never seen a spleen before. Is it on the left side or the right side? Well, there's only one way to find out. What was it my mother used to say? If at first you don't succeed.... What's that, tears? You want me to remove the gag for a moment so you can say something? Let me think about it... NOT!!! What could you possibly


[[ SIGNAL DROPPED ]]

[[ SCANNING ]]

[[ SCANNING ]]

[[ SCANNING ]]

[[ GOING TO SLEEP ]]


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Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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Published on March 26, 2015 01:39 • 51 views

March 19, 2015

Attention all citizens! This is no doubt the Bunker's most dire hourstretch. An emergency of unprecedented proportions [[ DATA TRANSMISSION ERROR ]] and is unknown at this time.

Equipment malfunction is prevalent and increasingly dangerous. Life support systems in several sectors have gone offline. Doorways may no longer function, stranding vast numbers of citizens in tiny spaces. Seemingly innocuous, ordinary devices may now contain lethal electrical charges. Citizens are advised to use caution when touching anything. In many cases, standard means of communication have been rendered entirely useless. In addition, several instances have been reported of cybots running amok. Whether their programming has been scrambled due to the sudden surges in electrical output is unknown. The number of victims surely number in the thousands and is no doubt mounting even now. There is no reason to panic.

The integrity of at least one plaza - the Sheldon Adelson Plaza in C-9 sector - has been breached and an entire department exposed to the extreme conditions on the surface of the planet.

Information is increasingly difficult to come by. Most of our reporters have not been heard from since disaster struck. If you are even reading this issue of Today's Edition, you can only consider yourself extremely lucky.

Perhaps most importantly, Control's comforting presence, which we had all come to take for granted, appears to have been snatched away [[ BAD CHECKSUM ]] faulty security cameras. Mayhem and rioting have bee[[ BROKEN PIPE ]] R-13, T-6 through T-17, U-[[ DEAD OBJECT EXCEPTION ]] and will be punished to the full extent of the guidelines.

If anyone has any information about what caused this disaster and what we can possibly do about it, he or she is kindly requested t[[ OUT OF MEMORY ERROR ]]lay.

Citizens, never in the history of the Bunker has [[ CORE DUMP ]]

And now a word from our sponsors.

[[ SYSTEM REBOOT ]]

[[ LOADING BOOT PROFILE ]]

[[ NO INTERNET CONNECTION DETECTED ]]

[[ NO STORAGE DEVICE DETECTED ]]

[[ RETRYING... ]]

[[ RETRYING... ]]

[[ RETRYING... ]]

[[ NOT OK\ ]]


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Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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Published on March 19, 2015 03:16 • 77 views

March 12, 2015

Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition, the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!

And now our top stories this weekstretch.

Citizen Hillary Binzer, a field organizer in H&C and Epsilon-clearance citizen, stands accused by her supervisor, Epsilon-clearance citizen Marsha Wong, of willful destruction of evidence. The charges stem from the discovery of a suspicious and no doubt illegal tunnel in a disused shopping mall in H-11 sector. Several weekstretches ago, citizen Marsha directed her underling, citizen Hillary, and her team to dismantle the structure to make room for a new and badly needed shopping mall. After chasing out the surprised vendors and a hoard of stray shoppers, the tunnel was eventually uncovered behind a well-stocked vending machine and – much to everyone's horror – a poster of that fiendish master criminal, Barney Max. Unfortunately, further investigation of the mysterious tunnel and where it leads is no longer possible, as its entrance was subsequently destroyed by citizen Hillary and her team. The citizens in question have been taken into custody. Highly skilled agents are currently extracting verifiable and entirely truthful confessions from them. Willful collusion with traitors has not been ruled out and may yet be added to the indictment. Citizen Marsha Wong, currently under investigation by Homeland Security for ordering the destruction of a suspicious and illegal tunnel in H-11 sector, is known to be hiding out in a Homeland Security interrogation chamber and therefore unavailable for comment.

In other news, several highly trusted citizens in A-1 sector were exposed to the harsh atmospheric conditions which prevail beyond the safety of our corridors after a portion of the Benjamin Netanyahu Plaza unexpectedly collapsed. Several highly trusted and extremely valuable Beta clearance citizens were lost to the disaster. Thurgood Nelson, Alpha clearance citizen and Grand Ayatollah of the Developmental Engineering conglomerate, nearly fell victim as well. Fortunately, he happened to be standing just outside the plaza near the emergency air lock activation console. Convinced that this was no accident, citizen Thurgood has since been out criss-crossing the Bunker, expounding to captivated audiences everywhere that the planetary conditions outside pose an existential threat to the Bunker. “Rather than seek to placate the forces of Nature, we should instead uproot and destroy them!” Citizen Thurgood's speeches have been unequivocally met with thunderous applause.

And now a word from our sponsors.

Simpson's Ear Warmers! Our extremely trademarked and highly litigated sleeves fit snugly over your ears and protect them from the terrible discomforts of slight breezes and other people's breath! Simpson's Ear Warmers! Available at an informercial nearest you.

And now a word from our sponsors.

Your Card contains all your credits and is therefore one of your most valuable possessions. So why not treat it that way? Van der Leffer's Specially Primed Tonic has been engineered by the Bunker's top experts in the exciting field of Card Hygiene and is guaranteed to keep that shiny, dependable surface free of germs and bacteria. How many people have handled your Card today? Van der Leffer's Specially Primed Tonic. “If you're not careful, your Card could kill you.”

We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, What Would Carlton Smickett Say? One of the perks reserved for Delta-clearance citizens and above is the use of certain vehicles, such as steppods and scooters. Operators of these convenient and ingenious devices must obey speed limits and are strictly forbidden from entering the transtube. Be that as it may, they move considerably faster than unaided human traffic. Citizens are reminded that the Bunker's corridors serve everyone, from our most venerated workers without a security clearance all the way up the chain to the very Alphas themselves. When you hear a movebot approaching, you are kindly requested to make room for it to pass. Throwing oneself under the wheels of a scooter out of spite is not only selfish and disloyal behavior but is an act likely to earn you a fine, jail sentence, or behavior guide. Remember, part of living together is getting along together! That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.

And now for some public service announcements.

Due to a temporary shortage of beryllium, fluorescent lamps will no longer be available for sale in supermarkets, vending machines, or other outlets. In addition, foundry assistants and iron-ore furnaces in P&L producing ballistic missiles, siding for satellites and quibbles, and similar components for our aerospace industries may encounter difficulty obtaining the raw materials required for their production lines. Existing work quotas will, however, remain in effect. Citizens are reminded they are expected to be resourceful (as well as law abiding) in the face of adversity.

And now a word from our sponsors.

Jetty Cleaning Station Cleansers! Who else will mop up your poop if you won't?

The Color of the Patriot is happy.

Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.

---------------------

Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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Published on March 12, 2015 07:00 • 45 views

March 5, 2015

Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition, the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!

And now our top stories this weekstretch.

We here at Today's Edition are proud to announce that absolutely nothing of note happened last weekstretch. You heard us correctly! The struggle against treason has virtually been won. Although we cannot yet declare final victory, isn't it a clear sign of our impending triumph when the social deviants are unable to mount a single, credible attack during the course of an entire weekstretch? Do not be fooled, citizens. The terrorists are still out there, and they are still single-mindedly bent on undermining and destroying our happy utopia. However, it is their annihilation that is all but assured, not our own.

And now a word from our sponsors.

[[ IndexOutOfBoundsException ]]

In other news, Epsilon-clearance citizen Marsha Wong, a site manager in H&C assigned to H-11 sector, stands accused by one of her field organizers, Epsilon clearance citizen Hillary Binzer, of cowardice in the face of the enemy and defeatism. The charges stem from the discovery of an entrance into a hidden terrorist sanctuary during one of citizen Hillary's demolition assignments. Obscured by a vending machine and set behind an illegal poster of that heinous criminal and indiscriminate slayer of Wards of the State, Barney Max, a small portal allegedly led to an underground tunnel. Unfortunately, where exactly it terminated is now impossible to determine, as citizen Marsha subsequently ordered a demolitions team to destroy it. A full investigation of the mysterious tunnel is now all but impossible.

And now a word from our sponsors.

Iornum fedelia locust est conindribus blix. Carutinis finstis? Agelflex teremus se nomine glaudium! Fi infedelitis rex. Non dolorum fenstrum boritis ipsum conipsii arbitii eadis est. Ipsua conungra. Hahaha!

We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, What Would Carlton Smickett Say? Farting, the release of that noxious gas from our rear ends, cannot be helped nor should it be repressed for long. It is a natural occurrence and an integral part of our digestion. However, there is a time and a place for everything. Certainly, the various sounds that accompany a fart may be construed as amusing – most especially by the person who made it – but for everyone else the experience is hardly a pleasant one. The Bunker maintains a sterile, hygienic environment. Most of us are therefore unused to vile odors wafting through the air. In fact, the smell of flatulence is particularly repugnant. Your fellow citizens should not be wantonly subjected to it. If you feel the need to fart, please retire in a timely fashion to an out-of-the-way location. If there is no such opportunity, you are asked to refrain from blaming it on the person standing next to you. Own up to your stink. It's the decent thing to do. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.

And now for some public service announcements.

Jallison Kamgee – singer, songwriter, philosopher, teacher, and friend to us all – will be performing this weekstretch in costume at the Live Free or Die! Gala along with other transgender entertainers at the Koch Room in S-4 sector. Everyone is welcome, and the audience is encouraged to participate in the festivities. Don't forget to bring a sparkling crown and multicolored raiment! Although the show is restricted to Gamma clearance citizens and above, a live feed streamed directly to your PA will be provided to all those able to pay a nominal access fee.

And now a word from our sponsors.

Your PA. Standard, reliable equipment. The most trustworthy and ubiquitous fixture of life in the Bunker and the sole result of Control's beneficence and generosity. There's no room for improvement, is there? Of course not! But your PA most certainly could be modified and enhanced in a way that improves its ease of use and expands its capabilities! We at Bresslet Industries have designed and produced a range of accessories for your PA, none of which violate the Guidelines on Personal and Public Property. Camera and recording upgrades, pressure sensors, and the newest in X-Ray viewing apps! Our snap-on accessories will never record you surreptitiously or generate incriminating video feeds like the next leading brand. So come pay us a visit on X.net or drop by one of our outlets and peruse all the exciting equipment we've got in our inventory! Bresslet Industries. “We're more than just a cheap way to look under someone's jumpsuit.”

The Color of the Patriot is codpiece.

Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.

---------------------

Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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Published on March 05, 2015 04:04 • 59 views

February 26, 2015

Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition, the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!

Instead of our top stories this weekstretch, we at Today's Edition have decided to fulfill our patriotic duty and pay tribute to some of the Bunker's fallen warriors, loyal citizens who were struck down in their prime by traitors and social deviants. The men and women over at Control – those wise and caring coordinators of the Bunker's economy and the strictest guardians against environmental excess – have been forced against their will to engage these dangerous miscreants, cowardly hiding in our very midst. Their efforts, supported by our own, have proved a complete success. Today, we stand on the verge of total victory against the forces of darkness and despair. As wearying as the struggle may seem, let the burden be eased and our hearts uplifted by the certain knowledge that shortly, a new era of peace and harmony will dawn in our corridors and reign there forever.

Until that daystretch, however, we must remain steadfast in our resolve and vigilant in the execution of our duties. That some of us must give up our lives even as we stand on the very cusp of salvation is an unfortunate reality, and one that we do not take lightly. That is why we seek to honor the fallen, that we may remember those of our friends and neighbors – servants of all that is good and wholesome – who have made the ultimate sacrifice in the struggle against the treacherous forces of evil.

First, we would like to bring to your attention the case of Josselyn Tux, that valiant trash collector in P&L's Recycling and Reclamation division. She was awarded Fifteen Minutes of Fame after uncovering a terrible plot to prevent citizens in C and D sectors from throwing away their garbage. Imagine the unsanitary conditions that would have prevailed! Consider the awful smell! Citizen Josselyn is an example to us all. Unfortunately, a mere three daystretches after the award, her body was found mangled and in pieces, apparently pushed into the trash compactor.

Then there is the case of Pablo Iannotti, once the Bunker's dutiful servant in Central Management's Filing and Sorting division. He was awarded Fifteen Minutes of Fame after he singlehandedly spoiled an ongoing conspiracy to sabotage the official forms made available to citizens everywhere on their portal on X.net. These forms looked and read like the originals, but upon submission the malware secretly contained within maliciously erased the entries. Filing and Sorting would have been inundated with blank, useless forms! The administrative apparatus would have ground to a halt! Citizen Pablo is no doubt an example to us all. Unfortunately, a mere daystretch after his award, citizen Pablo experienced a bout of catastrophic organ failure, induced by a designer poison slipped unbeknownst to him into his afternoon meal.

Lastly, we should not neglect to mention citizen Alice Vanderdildo, a expert in unrestricted grammars in Developmental Engineering's Computational Intelligence division. She was awarded Fifteen Minutes of Fame after she deduced – and subsequently proved in a brilliant scientific paper – that for every treasonous behavior, there exists a non-deterministic correcting machine capable of negating it. Citizen Alice serves as an example to us all. Unfortunately, several hourstretches after her award, she disappeared without a trace on her way to pay a visit to a colleague, the Bunker's leading expert in superacids.

Thank you for your careful attention as we have paid homage to a few of the Bunker's unsung heroes. Due to the solemn nature of this weekstretch's installment of Today's Edition, there will be no paid advertisements or public announcements of any kind. We feel their presence would be entirely inappropriate, not to mention in bad taste.

We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, What Would Carlton Smickett Say? Fifteen Minutes of Fame is Control's special reward for those of us who have performed some daring service in the battle against social deviancy or otherwise gone above and beyond the normal call of duty. The Bunker has hundreds of thousands of inhabitants. It is therefore not always possible to celebrate each and every example of personal bravery. Still, even if you feel that you have been unduly overlooked, it is no reason to resent your neighbor when he or she is selected for this cherished form of public recognition. Jealousy has no place in a loyal citizen's thoughts, especially for someone held out to the rest of us as a shining example of honor and virtue. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.

The Color of the Patriot is tempting.

Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.

---------------------

Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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Published on February 26, 2015 04:02 • 48 views

February 19, 2015

Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition, the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!

And now our top stories this weekstretch.

Agents from Homeland Security secured an important victory against the Underground last weekstretch when they uncovered – and neutralized – a covert cell of the Coven operating out of the pantry at the Freedom's Beacon Community Dining Hall in Q-14 sector. As you no doubt are unaware, the Coven is the name used by those members of the Underground who are under the dangerous and erroneous impression that life on Earth was better and more fulfilling than here in the Bunker, the only utopia humankind has ever known. At the time of their arrest, these traitors were holding what appeared to be a series of lectures on a fabled earthly institution called the Bank of Murica. Rest assured, citizens, no such organization ever existed. Earthlings did not draw from an endless supply of credits provided by this fantastical Bank of Murica, nor did they happily make offerings and gifts in the form of so-called collateral and troubled asset relief to its benevolent leader, Jaypee Morgan, and his gang of friends, the institutional funds. The traitors belonging to this cell have been taken into custody and thoroughly interrogated as to the identities and whereabouts of their fellow conspirators. Interestingly, no earthly artifacts were recovered from the site despite the fact that most cells in the Coven routinely possess several.

And now a word from our sponsors.

Uncle Scabby's Steppods!! You won't find a better selection of steppods anywhere in the Bunker!! All our salespeople have taken Uncle Scabby's Oath of Good Conduct!! So come on down to a location nearest you!! Uncle Scabby's Steppods!! Our prices are insaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane!!

In other news, a butt checker in the cleaning station at a metro stop in T-8 sector was found unconscious and unresponsive by guardians from Defense. They had been alerted to the situation by two concerned citizens who, after having just made use of the station, desired the customary hygienic inspection of their rear ends. An autopsy will be performed to determine the cause of death, but by all accounts the unfortunate man fell down several times, shot himself with a laser pistol in the back, and subsequently drowned in one of the toilets. The incident has been ruled an accident, and no further investigation will be made. Fortunately for the two citizens who made the discovery, an off-duty butt checker was located on the platform waiting for the next train. To the great enthusiasm of the crowd, they were declared completely hygienic and given a standing ovation.

And now a word from our sponsors.

Uncle Scabby's Steppods!! Our prices are insaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane!!

We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, What Would Carlton Smickett Say? Control, that judicious and caring overseer of the Bunker's economy, has recently determined that the patriotic length of a queue is twenty-five persons, no more, no less. How the good people over at Control arrived at that number is, to be frank, of no concern to you. As good citizens, when passing by a queue that is not at full capacity, it is your loyal duty to step up and add yourself to it. Likewise, if you were intending on joining a queue that is already numbering twenty-five citizens, you should leave well enough alone. No one wants to hear anyone complain that he or she does not need another chest X-ray or that they must grab a bite to eat or they will surely faint. Adhering to these guidelines is your patriotic duty. Nothing more, nothing less. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.

And now a word from our sponsors.

Uncle Scabby's Steppods!! Our prices are insaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane!!

And now for some public service announcements.

A faulty water main in X sector is causing flooding conditions in the transtube, most notably between departments 6 through 11. Citizens should be on the lookout for leaks and rushing torrents of water. Buckets are being provided free of charge in the Michael G. Grimm Plaza in X-7 sector.

And now a word from our sponsors.

Uncle Scabby's Steppods!! Our prices are insaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane!!

The Color of the Patriot is teel.

Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.

---------------------

Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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Published on February 19, 2015 04:17 • 82 views

February 12, 2015

Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition, the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!

And now a word from our sponsors.

Did you ever wonder what it would be like to land on a black hole and have a look around before taking off again? Or perhaps you are curious about some of the personages our plazas and important buildings are named after? Whatever your intellectual appetites, Whackypedia has the answers for you! Whackypedia is your gateway to the Bunker's largest database of unrestricted information concerning any topic you could possibly think of. Better yet, its millions of entries – on subjects ranging from the health benefits of radioactive decay to esteemed citizen Fankold Schlosser, the first person to calculate the Gravitational Constant – have been compiled by none other than your fellow citizens. That's right! Anyone with the proper knowhow and gumption can create and edit pages in Whackypedia. And why not? You're an intelligent, upstanding citizen. Yearstretches of training and poring over books is the path of the arrogant and the vain and certainly not required to know the difference between selective and direct metal laser sintering. And if you don't – just read about it on Whackypedia! After soaking up all that wisdom, you'll be able to add to it with confidence. Can't find the entry you're looking for? With the click of a button, you can simply make one up! Whackypedia is the Bunker's primary repository of invaluable factual truths your neighbors have come to trust and rely on. Come visit us on X.net! “Even you can be an expert on microbial production of biopolymers and polymer precursors.”

And now our top stories this weekstretch.

The search in H-5 sector and the adjacent departments for the escaped prototype of an operational and highly unpredictable wartime cybot is now over. A team of crack scientists led by Gamma-clearance citizen and respected project lead, Abe Yazumi, was able to track it down to an abandoned production facility that was once operated by Imagino, Inc, owner and producer of that thoroughly discredited but at one time wildly popular consumer gadget, the hallucinograph. Citizen Abe graciously granted us an interview outside his highly secured lab in H-5 sector. “Once we had the premises surrounded, we feared the cybot would retaliate. So we destroyed the entire building in a firestorm of molecular disassemblers and Breakfast Time high impact, double barreled cannon.” The operation to disable the fugitive cybot did not, however, proceed without glitches. At one point, suspicion fell on citizen Abe himself when one of his researchers, Epsilon clearance citizen Shoxy Mavindidze, reached out to agents at Homeland Security with claims that there was, in fact, no cybot at all and that citizen Abe had embezzled most of the project's funds. Unfortunately, before her claims could be verified, she was burned to death in an unfortunate accident at an abandoned production facility once owned by Imagino, Inc. “The fact that no one ever saw the cybot saves us from a lot of unpleasantness, since knowledge of its description and function are restricted to Epsilon-clearance and higher,” citizen Abe told us. When asked if he would be starting construction on a new prototype, he smiled reassuringly. “If our friends over at Defense still have the funding, I'd be happy to try my hand at this challenge again. After all, protecting my fellow citizens against the machinations of devious traitors is my highest priority!”

And now a word from our sponsors.

Whatdjasay Ear Stoppers, a reliable friend indeed. They'll block out your bunkmates' snoring or your credits back!

We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, What Would Carlton Smickett Say? Citizen Carlton Smickett, that much admired behavioral scientist and namesake for our vidshow, was more than just a dutiful researcher who helped get the Developmental Engineering conglomerate off its feet in its early daystretches. He was also a father, a husband, and a human being. You can't tell a genius by the pocket protector tucked into his jumpsuit or the way that he mumbles to himself when no one else is around. Even citizen Carlton was once a Ward of the State, and even citizen Carlton started out sleeping in the Lower Quarters without any security clearance to speak of. The Bunker is a utopia, and as such anyone with talent will inevitably to rise to her proper station. But that doesn't mean you can't wave hello when you see a supergenius walking past and share a little joke. Everyone wants to feel loved and know that she belongs. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.

And now a word from our sponsors.

Ride Me Rough Condoms. You can blow them up like balloons or put them on your penis. Whatever works best for you.

And now for some public service announcements.

A contingent of cleanbots will be scouring the corridors in A and Y sectors this weekstretch. If you see them coming, do no interfere and be sure to clear out of their way. They have a tight schedule to keep and will not deviate from their preprogrammed paths under any circumstances.

The Color of the Patriot is crunchtime.

Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.

---------------------

Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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Published on February 12, 2015 05:33 • 54 views

February 5, 2015

Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition, the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!

And now our top stories this weekstretch.

The search in H-5 sector and the adjacent departments for the escaped prototype of an operational and highly unpredictable wartime cybot continues. A team of crack scientists led by Gamma-clearance citizen and respected project lead, citizen Abe Yazumi, is hot on its wheels. “This cybot is armed and dangerous,” he told us during a hectic appearance outside his command headquarters in H-5 sector. “After all, I should know. I designed it myself! The specimen in question is programmed to smell out and destroy terrorists on sight. Unfortunately, one of its defenses is an invisibility cloak. We believe this explains why no one has caught sight of it yet. That, and the incredible powers of deduction I bestowed upon it!” Millions of credits have already been spent on the prototype's design and assembly, most of which were contributed by stakeholders from Defense. A formal inspection of the cybot by a panel of high-clearance officers – the first time they were to lay eyes on the result of their investment – has been delayed indefinitely. Security regulations currently in effect strictly prohibit anyone from disclosing its model number and description to the general public. All citizens are requested to be on the lookout for an invisible, top-secret cybot lurking in the shadows. An updated version of electronic form number 0x00000F79 'NOTIFICATION OF SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY' has been posted on Developmental Engineering's site on X.net for just this purpose. It should be submitted together with a 'SECURITY CLEARANCE EXEMPTION ADDENDUM' form 0x00000571 as well as a 'DECLARATION OF TREASONOUS INTENT' form 0x00000002, where appropriate.

And now a word from our sponsors.

Do you suffer from excessive flatulence? Your social life is in the doldrums, and no one wants to sit next to you at work or in the theater. Your colleagues and friends find it easy to blame you for their own gaseous outbursts. But never you worry, citizen! Manatine Mints will set you straight! These white, chewable candies can't fix your digestive tract, but they sure can make the air that emerges smell friendlier. Try one and you'll see! Manatine Mints are available at a vending machine nearest you. “All that screaming and weeping is a sign of joy.”

We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, What Would Carlton Smickett Say? One of the indelible pleasures of life in the Bunker is gathering after dinner in the common room of our communal barracks and curling up with friends, neighbors, and a container of NiceCream to watch the tube. What else could be more soothing or replenishing than relaxing with our fellow citizens and enjoying some wholesome entertainment? Unfortunately, due to an unexpected spike in terrorist activity, most common rooms are equipped with but a single tube, and not everyone will always agree on what to watch. Will it be that rerun of How'd You Get So Loyal? you've been looking forward to all weekstretch? Or maybe Wheel of Misfortune, the Bunker's favorite daily gameshow? Remember, violence is never the way to solve any dispute. The tube has been generously provided by Control for everyone's benefit. In fact, every feed carefully written and produced by Human Resources and broadcast on the tube is a pleasure to watch, whatever it happens to be. After all, this is a utopia. All its inventions are perfect. So if tonight you don't get your way in the common room of your communal barracks, sit back and enjoy that NiceCream anyway, because what you're about to watch is stupendous, intellectually titillating, and the best thing since PermaChunky and Red Flavor! That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.

On a lighter note, citizens in U-13 sector will be selected at random by Epsilon-clearance citizen and talented artist Yekaterina Romashkova to pose in her newest and much anticipated portrait in patriotic color, A Feast of Friends, part of the Bunker's ongoing celebration of spontaneous art. If you happen to be chosen, don't let the knives and forks frighten you! Participation in this event is mandatory and fun. Thank you for your cooperation.

And now a word from our sponsors.

Parnax Glue. It sticks things together. Most of the time.

And now for some public service announcements.

Due to routine maintenance scheduled for today and tomorrow on the electrical grid in B sector, oxygen levels and ambient air pressure may fluctuate unexpectedly. Citizens may experience mild disorientation, fatigue, or explode from the inside out. There is nothing to be concerned about. Also, the lighting in corridors A-4/ER-7 through A-4/EX-21 is in the process of being upgraded. Extended periods of complete darkness are likely. Citizens are reminded that the security cameras can see in the infrared band and are expected to behave responsibly.

And now a word from our sponsors.

Parnax Solvent. It gets rid of the glue. Most of the time.

The Color of the Patriot is jetstream.

Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.

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Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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Published on February 05, 2015 05:59 • 57 views

January 29, 2015

Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition, the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!

And now a word from our sponsors.

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And now our top stories this weekstretch.

An operational prototype of an advanced and highly unpredictable cybot is on the loose somewhere in H-5 sector. A new weapon in the war against terrorism, researchers from Developmental Engineering have poured a vast amount of resources into its creation. Gamma-clearance citizen and respected project lead Abe Yazumi spoke with a reporter from Today's Edition. “This cybot is capable of sniffing out disloyalty from kilometers away. Quite literally! Certain glands near the surface of the skin are known to secrete a pheromone that betrays a person's nasty intentions. The cybot, having identified the pheromone's source, is programmed to shoot to kill. No human intervention required.” The prototype's escape comes at an unfortunate time, as the cybot was scheduled to be presented for the first time to its stakeholders and primary sources of funding high up in the ranks of Defense. Citizens are asked to be on the lookout for anything suspicious.

In other news, a series of explosions in U-10 sector disrupted power to several industrial facilities, including the sector's largest producer of Vitamim. Popularly dubbed “foot pits” due to the vast tubs built into the floor in which this tasty and nutritious dietary staple is mixed and fermented, the affected food factories were without power for several hourstretches. An entire crop of Vitamim was lost. Fortunately, the good citizens of U sector have volunteered to forgo eating for the next two daystretches. In addition, their production quotas will remain in place so as not to shock the broader economy. Not a single dissenter was to be found among them. As a gesture of gratitude, Control has therefore decided to grant the entire sector Fifteen Minutes of Fame. Congratulations, U sector!

And now a word from our sponsors.

Yanzer shoe slippers. Exactly what you need to protect those fashionable – not to mention expensive! – pair of boots you just picked up. Why not treat them with the care and respect they deserve? Yanzer shoe slippers. “Protecting footwear for as long as anyone can remember.”

We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, What Would Carlton Smickett Say? There are times when the metro or other form of public transport is filled to capacity. Although Control has provided exactly the resources required to maintain our wealth and happiness, sometimes those resources are stretched to the maximum extent. In these situations, it is never appropriate to cop a feel or grab someone'e ass, no matter how tempting the urge. Groping or initiating any other form of unwanted bodily contact is a criminal act and will not be tolerated. Remember, this is not just your home. It's our home, too. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.

On a lighter note, a troupe of jugglers will be entertaining citizens this weekstretch in all our plazas and major intersections. Take a moment to enjoy these talented Wards of the State and their lively performances!

And now for some public service announcements.

Due to a fire in V-10 sector, the Bunker is currently experiencing a shortage of plastex, one of the basic building blocks of our economy. As a result, certain popular items you are normally accustomed to seeing stocked on the shelves of supermarkets and in the stalls of bazaars – such as toothbrushes, toilet paper, and lava lamps – will be temporarily unavailable. Thank you for your cooperation.

And now a word from our sponsors.

Cleany Clean, the Bunker's number one cleanliness assistant! Available for purchase in any supermarket and some vending machines. “It may look like water. It may taste like water. But Cleany Clean is a miracle!”

The Color of the Patriot is plutonium.

Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.

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Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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Published on January 29, 2015 07:48 • 57 views

January 22, 2015

Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition, the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!

And now our top stories this weekstretch.

Recently, the leaders of the Bunker's chief conglomerates – Control, Human Resources, Defense, Procurement, Developmental Engineering, Housing and Construction, Production and Logistics, Homeland Security, and Central Management – as well as representatives from the military and the major trade and recreational associations gathered at the palatial James Henry Hammond Complex in W-1 sector to discuss the state of the economy. Held at irregular intervals under the tightest of security, this top-secret gathering of Alphas from every corner of the economy is responsible for assessing progress in the context of Control's general guidelines and deciding on concrete steps for the next stage of development. A communiqué issued by the group shortly after its conclusion states that the threats facing our paternalistic utopia have never before been greater. Even more terrorism is expected in the coming weekstretches. Citizens are expected to be vigilant. A full summary of their findings has been placed on X.net.

And now a word from our sponsors.

Gain body mass quickly and easily with Yoburt! Are you an exercise buff? Do you love to sweat under the strain of the weights in your local sports center? Vitamim is delicious and nutritious, but if you want to bulge through your jumpsuit and impress the ladies, you'll need a dietary supplement. And there's nothing better than Yoburt! Check out our customer testimonials on X.net! Or simply respond to one of our helpful infomercials. Yoburt. “Not likely to cause abdominal tears or rectal bleeding like the next leading brand.”

In other news, a fire is currently sweeping through a warehouse in an industrial district in V-10 sector. The cause has not yet been identified, but firefighters from Defense now have the flames and air quality under control. The warehouse – owned and operated by P&L – is known to contain harmless asbestos fibers as well as stockpiles of friendly bromine monochloride, hydrogen sulfide, and sulfur tetraflouride. Although the occasional violent explosion can be observed from the safety of the corridor, the only hazard to ordinary citizens going about their business is the jolt caused by the sudden noise. Traffic through V-10 sector, although slightly impeded, is proceeding smoothly.

We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, What Would Carlton Smickett Say? Control is the ultimate source of wisdom in the Bunker. Some citizens, however, defer to the nefarious God and Freedom Church. Although its adherents profess to hate terrorists with a zeal rivaling that of genuinely loyal citizens, this God character of theirs is not to be trusted. Known on Earth for the ruthless fanaticism of its devotees, God was powerless to prevent the inevitable apocalypse that unfolded there. The God and Freedom Church is clearly part of the Underground, and as such it is illegal. Its members are traitors and will be treated accordingly. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.

And now a word from our sponsors.

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And now for some public service announcements.

The color of the water in the community dining halls throughout V-9, -10, and -11 sectors may appear unusual today. Experts from Housing and Construction have assured us, however, that the slight green or dark purple tinge is harmless and fun! There is nothing to be concerned about. Drink up, citizens!

The Color of the Patriot is slate.

Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.

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Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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Published on January 22, 2015 06:04 • 109 views