Jake Wizner





Jake Wizner

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I was supposed to be born on Hitler’s birthday. To my mother’s great relief, I arrived late and was born on Freud’s birthday instead. My parents wanted to name me Max, but my grandfather, a Holocaust refugee, strenuously objected, saying the name sounded too German. My original birth certificate read Baby Boy Wizner.

My mother was a college dean, and I spent the first ten years of my life living in a dormitory. I ate meals in the college dining hall, explored the campus tunnels, and became a foosball prodigy, sharpening my skills against opponents more than twice my age. Occasionally, I would sleepwalk around the dormitory at night, and be picked up by drunk students returning from parties in the early morning hours.

I went to Wesleyan Univer...more


Average rating: 3.83 · 2,772 ratings · 613 reviews · 2 distinct works · Similar authors
Spanking Shakespeare
3.88 of 5 stars 3.88 avg rating — 2,437 ratings — published 2007 — 13 editions
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Castration Celebration
3.48 of 5 stars 3.48 avg rating — 335 ratings — published 2009 — 8 editions
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“There once was a man who was sore
'Cuz his wife wouldn't open the door.
Celibacy
is just not for me
Let me in, you cock-teasing whore.”
Jake Wizner, Spanking Shakespeare

“I wrote you this poem because i was afraid/ To come out and tell you i want to get laid.”
Jake Wizner

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