Bradley Sands's Blog, page 3

November 27, 2012

I spend a lot of time, perhaps too much time, watching TV and reading comics. I’m going to talk about a some of my favorite comics during the next few days.



Batman is one of the best comics being released at the moment. I say “Batman,” I’m referring to the main title rather than the numerous others devoted to the character. It’s written by Scott Snyder, who is a graduate of the top creative writing grad program in the country and the author of a collection of literary fiction stories put out by a division of Random House (which I haven’t read). His current run on Batman began when DC did their whole “New 52” thing where all their stories started over from the beginning, although he also wrote it previous to the big change. Because of this, it’s really easy to catch up, starting with the first issue of the comic, which has been collected in a trade paperback. Snyder also writes a comic about vampires for Vertigo, but Batman is my favorite character; perhaps my favorite character ever from all works of fiction. Although this is the case, there are few writers who have written issues of Batman that I’ve been really into. Grant Morrison is one of these authors, but Snyder’s writing is a lot more traditional, which is a nice change. From the start of his current run, the primary antagonists have been an organization called the Court of the Owls. They sound pretty stupid, but the issues with them have been great. Also, he recently started writing his first story arc featuring the Joker, which has been a real treat. Check the comic out if you get the chance.

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Published on November 27, 2012 11:56 • 77 views

November 26, 2012

Author, Douglas Hackle, wrote this testimonial about my editing:


When I hired Bradley Sands to edit my collection of short stories, I did so somewhat begrudgingly, not sure the manuscript needed it. There just didn’t appear to be anything he or anyone else could do to improve a thing that was already damn-near perfect—this polished manuscript of overflowing awesomeness of mine. But I sent it to him anyway.


Then I waited . . . .


When an email from Bradley arrived in my inbox with his edits attached to it, I was seated at my writing desk squirming around in my chair due to some major discomfort in my gluteal region. Ignoring my butt pain, I opened the email and was startled to see an arm emerge from my computer screen like some ghost limb, an arm that presumably belonged to Bradley Sands. In the upturned palm of his hand rested a metal serving platter with a domed lid just like they use at fancy restaurants. Frightened but intrigued, I reached forward and gingerly raised the lid . . . and I was astounded to see a hairy, pimply, chalk-white ass sitting there on the platter.


Panic set in. I leaned forward, reached back with both my hands, and felt around my posterior to confirm my suspicions: My ass was indeed gone—and Bradley “The Sandstorm” Sands had just handed it to me on a fucking platter!!!


After refastening my ass to my hindquarters using duct tape and superglue, I opened the attached file to discover that Bradley had handed me my ass editorially as well.


In conclusion, Bradley Sands is thorough, candid, timely, and highly knowledgeable about the mechanics of writing and the craft of writing stories. And he’ll hand you your ass if need be. That’s a good thing. That’s what you want.


Go here to find out more about my editing services.

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Published on November 26, 2012 14:37 • 81 views

November 13, 2012

I’m currently writing weekly reviews of television programs. Check them out here.


I have copies of TV Snorted My Brain available for anyone who wants a signed and personalized copy. You can buy it here.


Also, the book has been reviewed by VerbicideBooked, and Beach Sloth.


In other news: Do you have a manuscript that you need edited or proofread? I’m currently seeking assignments to work on. Go here for more information.


On the same subject, I asked author, Douglas Hackle, to write a testimonial regarding my editing. This is what he sent back to me:


When I hired Bradley Sands to edit my collection of short stories, I did so somewhat begrudgingly, not sure the manuscript needed it. There just didn’t appear to be anything he or anyone else could do to improve a thing that was already damn-near perfect—this polished manuscript of overflowing awesomeness of mine. But I sent it to him anyway.


Then I waited . . . .


When an email from Bradley arrived in my inbox with his edits attached to it, I was seated at my writing desk squirming around in my chair due to some major discomfort in my gluteal region. Ignoring my butt pain, I opened the email and was startled to see an arm emerge from my computer screen like some ghost limb, an arm that presumably belonged to Bradley Sands. In the upturned palm of his hand rested a metal serving platter with a domed lid just like they use at a fancy restaurants. Frightened but intrigued, I reached forward and gingerly raised the lid . . . and I was astounded to see a hairy, pimply, chalk-white ass sitting there on the platter.


Panic set in. I leaned forward, reached back with both my hands, and felt around my posterior to confirm my suspicions: My ass was indeed gone—and Bradley “The Sandstorm” Sands had just handed it to me on a fucking platter!!!


After refastening my ass to my hindquarters using duct tape and superglue, I opened the attached file to discover that Bradley had handed me my ass editorially as well.


In conclusion, Bradley Sands is thorough, candid, timely, and highly knowledgeable about the mechanics of writing and the craft of writing stories. And he’ll hand you your ass if need be. That’s a good thing. That’s what you want.

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Published on November 13, 2012 09:00 • 105 views

October 15, 2012

My new novel, TV Snorted My Brain, was just published by LegumeMan Books.


[image error]Artie Pendragon loves anarchy, pee wee soccer games, and midget wrestlers. He really hates high school, but his plan to blow up his school is interrupted when he is declared the king of TV Land. After taking the throne, Artie’s pro-wrestling, non-midget uncle steals it from him and enforces a strict policy of censorship throughout the land. To defend himself against his uncle’s piledrivers and take back what is rightfully his, Artie must go on a quest for the Holy Grail, which is the only thing that will make his Excalibur 3000 remote control work properly.



TV Snorted My Brain is a modern-day retelling of the King Arthur myth that happens inside your television set. Come along with Artie as he journeys through the various channels of TV Land and recruits knights along the way to help him overthrow his uncle and bring anarchy to the land.





Order a copy from Amazon (also available for Kindle).




Click here to read the first chapter.




Go here to listen to a recording of the chapter.




REVIEWS:



“TV Snorted My Brain is (Sands’) best work to date. Call me crazy, but I think this generation has found its own Vonnegut.” [Read more...]


Verbicide

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Published on October 15, 2012 12:00 • 155 views

August 6, 2012

I occasionally work as a freelance editor. I’m looking to take on a project for the month. Do you have a book that you would like me to edit? If so, email me (bradleysands@gmail.com) and we can discuss my rates.


Regarding my qualifications: I have an MFA in Creative Writing from Naropa University. While at school, I worked as an associate editor for Bombay Gin, the university’s literary journal. I also worked as an editor for their summer writing program’s magazine. In addition, I was formerly the Editor-in-Chief of Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens (currently, I am a contributing editor). I also used to work as an assistant editor for Weird Tales.


Last year, I edited the story collection, Hooray for Death! It was written by Mykle Hansen, who is also the author of Help! A Bear is Eating Me! Mykle was kind enough to write about his appreciation of my work. I have included what he wrote below:


BRADLEY SANDS: AN APPRECIATION


I met Bradley Sands through the literary circles in which we both move. While he was editor of the small press journal BUST DOWN THE DOOR AND EAT ALL THE CHICKENS, he earned a reputation for thoughtfulness, frankness and uncompromising standards. My first piece accepted by that journal was much improved by Bradley’s feedback. When Eraserhead Press agreed to publish my fifth book, HOORAY FOR DEATH!, I asked Bradley to take on the editorial role for the entire collection, helping me to select the final list of stories and their order as well as to analyze and improve the individual works.


Bradley brought crucial conceptual clarity to the entire project. The book is far better for his involvement. In each story he was able to grasp what I was trying to accomplish, even when I wasn’t sure myself. With his sharp ear for voice and language he found many places where I had been sloppy, or had simply neglected to notice an opportunity to do better. His critiques of my story logic were occasionally painful but always thoughtful and intelligent, never capricious or random. Through patience, respect and eloquence, Bradley helped me overcome my typical writer’s ego, convincing me to adopt changes that I now know to be major improvements.


In short, I feel lucky that my book passed through Bradley’s hands, and I look forward to working with him on my next book. Every writer needs a good editor, and Bradley is the best I’ve found.


-Mykle Hansen-

August 3, 2012

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Published on August 06, 2012 20:18 • 67 views

June 5, 2012

I’m teaching another bizarro fiction writing workshop with author, Garrett Cook. This time, Jordan Krall will be joining us as a teacher and the workshop will occur over 6 weeks, beginning July 6th. Slots are limited to 15 spaces and it’s on a first-come, first serve basis. The cost is $60. If you are interested, contact Garrett Cook at thecentercannothold@gmail.com and he will give you payment information (payment should be sent through Paypal).


About me: I am the author of Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You, Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy, Please Do Not Shoot Me in the Face: A Novel, and My Heart Said No, But the Camera Crew Said Yes! I am the former senior editor of Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens. I have taught creative writing online, at a rehab center, a high school, The Public School New York,  and Naropa University’s Summer Writing Program.

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Published on June 05, 2012 22:19 • 64 views

May 29, 2012

[image error]As some of you may already know, I am no longer the head editor of Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens, but the journal still lives on with Sam Reeve as my replacement. Out of all the authors who I published, Andrew W. Adams was one of my favorites. He was also one of the authors who I published the most. His final story during my tenure, “Romantic Fucking Comedy,” appeared in the last issue. I conducted this interview with him throughout the duration of our lives. At the beginning, I sent Andrew one letter (of the alphabet) in the mail each month. When I finished relating my question, Andrew did the same thing with his answer. This process continued through the years, and it was a lot of fun. I felt like a spy, which is something that I have always wanted to be since overhearing my first James Bond movie while in the womb.


Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens: Let’s begin with a very important question: What is your favorite color and what is your favorite number and why?


Andrew W. Adams: I have red-green color blindness and either can’t see certain shades or see them differently, so my favorite color is whichever of those shades is prettiest. My name for this imaginary color is “96 Tears.”  My favorite number is phi (1.618…) because of the scene in the movie Pi where Max explains the golden ratio to that Jewish guy in the coffee shop.


Ha ha ha! You have 1.618 ninety-six tears haired girlfriends. You must have cut one ninety-six tears haired girlfriend into 0.618 and sewed the piece onto your other ninety-six tears haired girlfriend. Dude, that’s really fucked up.


I published  your story “Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus,” in the sixth issue of Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens. It’s about a man whose comatose wife is raped by a scuba diver. Since the story is written in first person, your comatose wife was also raped by a scuba diver. Am I correct?


That is entirely accurate.


Why do you prefer to write autobiographical stories with mushroom clouds?


The mushroom cloud motif probably has something to do with a kind of apocalypse fetish. And I write autobiography because I am afraid of death.


I’m changing the name of my favorite color to “Tutti Frutti.”


What is it like to have an apocalypse fetish?


It is like being a very normal person.


I can’t get past that Mad Libs thing you did with my favorite number and favorite color. It’s haunting me.


By the way, what are your favorite number and favorite color? I am not going to do any kind of Mad Libs thing with your answer. I just feel like I need this info before I can find closure and move on.


By the way, please explain your obsession with finding out my favorite number and my favorite color.


I am trying to learn everything about you so that I can make you fall in love with me.


Favorite animal?


Chia Pet


Wow, that is my favorite animal too! See how compatible we are?


There can only be one Chia Pet per household. It would turn into a Highlander Movie. Let’s switch gears, and I apologize for the insignificance of this question, but: have you written a book? You’re the best writer doing bizarro-type stuff who I’m aware of that doesn’t have a book. Give me a book. Just give it to me. Where is it? What do I have to do to read it? That? No. That? I won’t do that. Anything but that…okay, I guess I’ll do it.


I have written a few books that I now like to pretend do not exist. So:


No, I haven’t written a book. I am working on my first one now. If you send me a month’s supply of cocaine and protein shakes, I promise to write 5000 words a day and do 500 pushups a day. I can have the book finished in a week, and I will have very impressive biceps for my author’s photo. I think this is a good plan.


Or, if that doesn’t work: I will continue to do the best I can, and trust that my unwillingness to quit will eventually bear fruit. I should have something available by the time I’m 50, at least. I hope you can wait that long. I will dedicate the book to you. Its release will be a very “Rocky”-like moment for me.


Write your book while running up and down the steps in front of Philadelphia’s Museum of Art two thousand times. Let me know when you are finished.


Despite what I just said about an “unwillingness to quit”, I am considering giving up writing to study the art of mime. But I don’t know where to go to do this. Are there mime schools?


Wait, what am I saying; of course there are mime schools.


Why are you so damn hard to kill, Andrew W. Adams?


Because I’m just not worth the effort.


Thank you for the interview. By the way, there is a man behind you with a razor wire sombrero.

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Published on May 29, 2012 13:35 • 25 views

April 3, 2012

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Published on April 03, 2012 20:15 • 30 views

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Published on April 03, 2012 20:15 • 39 views

March 14, 2012

I consider myself knowledgeable about book promotion, but not a very good promoter recently due my inability to do much of it due to problems. But a lot of the ways that people promote their books seems wrong to me. They promote the same over and over again. It is boring. It seems desperate. These are the only times that you should EVER link to your books Amazon page: your book is released, your book is now available for Kindle, the price for the Kindle book has gone drastically down (particularly if it is now free), and if a review is extremely interesting. You should not link to it every time someone writes a new review for your book. Do not link to a review on a book blog if it is not interesting. Instead, keep a list of links to reviews on your website if you want. Do not ask people to buy your book as "a birthday present" to you.  Do not ask them to buy it to help you out financially. Unless you are more financially needy than the typical poverty-stricken writer, people do not give a shit about helping you out financially. They are more interested in reading your book.


There are a limited amount of ways to promote your book. When you run out of ways to promote it, you should start promoting yourself. Make people think, "Hey! This guy is awesome! I want to read his book!" Constantly be calling attention to yourself without being a spam king or being boring. This is a lot easier to do if you are humorous. But if you're not, perhaps you live an interesting life that you can write about. If you do not lead an interesting life, do not write about it. No one wants to here about how depressed you are. If you feel the need to overshare, start a new facebook profile and send friend requests to people who can stand your blubbering. Do not use the same account to promote yourself and to complain about your problems.


Use different social media platforms to call attention to yourself, such as writing blog entries. Do the same thing with your talents as far as making videos for youtube or putting images on tumbl (because people seem to think jokes are always funnier when the joke is superimposed over an image). My friend, Vince Kramer, takes pictures of action figures having sex. He is a great promoter even though he may not know he's promoting his book this way.


Keep people coming back to your website or wanting to follow your status updates on facebook and twitter. Don't bombard them with advertisements. Write about books that you like and other things. If you're a very social person, use this to your advantage and talk to as many people as possible, but don't mention your book if it's not relevant. Stop being so lame.

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Published on March 14, 2012 09:00 • 34 views