Jarod Kintz

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Jarod Kintz

Goodreads Author


in Salt Lake City, The United States
March 05, 1982



twitter username


Monty Python
Jack Handey
Ted Nancy
Steve Martin
Gary Larson
Mark Twain

member since
April 2011

About this author

This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.

Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.

Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese...more

1) Jarod Kintz: "In the Book of Revelation, God speaks of the pale horse. If Satan hired you to ghostwrite the Book of Sunscreen, would you accept the job?"

If I were a ghost, how would I hold a pencil? I guess that could be my eternal punishment in hell: in life, he shut himself up in a dark room to write, neglecting others, and now in death he composes the story of his vitamin D deficiency wh... Read more of this blog post »
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Published on September 22, 2011 10:51 • 2,820 views • Tags: benson-bruno, jarod-kintz, orafoura
Average rating: 4.27 · 872 ratings · 78 reviews · 54 distinct works · Similar authors
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Love quotes for the ages. S...
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I Want
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This Book is Not for Sale
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It Occurred to Me
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Who Moved My Choose?: An Am...
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I Should Have Renamed This
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More books by Jarod Kintz…

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“If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me.”
Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale


What is the best love quote?

You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.Dr. Seuss
  52 votes 40.3%

Love is like the wind, you can't see it but you can feel it.Nicholas Sparks
  38 votes 29.5%

Love is a circular emotion that surrounds you, like a hug. Or a noose.
Jarod Kintz
  24 votes 18.6%

Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.Ambrose Bierce
  8 votes 6.2%

Love seeketh not itself to please, nor for itself hath any care, but for another gives its ease, and builds a Heaven in Hell's despair. ― William Blake (write-in)
  5 votes 3.9%

"Centrum Permanebit" -The Fiery Heart (write-in)
  2 votes 1.6%

129 total votes
1 comment

Topics Mentioning This Author

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Goodreads Librari...: Policy on Authors adding their own quotes? 112 489 Feb 10, 2014 12:35AM  
Chicks On Lit: what are you reading. 10828 7063 Apr 17, 2014 04:53PM  
“If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.”
Stephen Colbert

“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
Mark Twain

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.”
Ronald Reagan

“If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.”
Dave Barry

“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.”
Calvin Trillin

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Comments (showing 1-47)    post a comment »
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message 46: by Jarod

Jarod Kintz Green Elephant Girl ™ wrote: "Thanks for accepting my friend request :D"

You're very welcome :)

Green Elephant Girl ™ Thanks for accepting my friend request :D

message 44: by Jarod

Jarod Kintz Sasha wrote: "Thank you Jarod.You are a star!:)"

haha thanks Sasha! GLad we are now friends :)

message 43: by Sasha (last edited Oct 27, 2013 02:30PM)

Sasha Thank you Jarod.You are a star!:)

message 42: by Jarod

Jarod Kintz Abhishek wrote: "Thank you so much Mr Kintz for accepting my request, I have been hiding from my boss and reading you at my office when I am pretending to work."

haha I love that!

Abhishek Tewari Thank you so much Mr Kintz for accepting my request, I have been hiding from my boss and reading you at my office when I am pretending to work.

message 40: by Mylene

Mylene Orbase :DDDD

message 39: by Jarod

Jarod Kintz Irin wrote: "thank you for your you quote..you absolutely have a funny bone in your body for sure...keep making everyone smile with your writing.."

Thank you so much, Irin :)

message 38: by Irin

Irin thank you for your you quote..you absolutely have a funny bone in your body for sure...keep making everyone smile with your writing..

message 37: by Asma

Asma Fedosia Hi, Jarod, Thks for the friend invitation.

message 36: by Emily

Emily Thanks for the add!!

Lótë (Iris) Thanks for the add!
Your quotes never fail to ammuse me.
I share them with my sister all the time :)
Your humour is amazing.

message 34: by Grace

Grace No problem! Thanks for the request ^-^

Libertarian Ann ditto, didn't know I had a "style" thanks!

message 32: by Jarod

Jarod Kintz Christine wrote: "Do you have skype?"

Yes indeed. jarod.kintz

Christine Hatfield Do you have skype?

message 30: by Jarod

Jarod Kintz Amanda Joy wrote: "Thanks for sharing that quote. I take all humor very seriously. And thanks for the listening...

(“The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, th..."

haha yes! how've you been?

Amanda Joy Farnsworth Thanks for sharing that quote. I take all humor very seriously. And thanks for the listening...

(“The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me. 

Christine Hatfield your welcome

do you write books?

Christine Hatfield thanks for being my friend

message 26: by Amy

Amy Hi, Jarod. Hope all is well! :)

Savannah Thank you for the friendship.

Michelle Hey Jarod, thanks for the add :)

message 23: by Graham

Graham Parke Hi, good to have you aboard ;)

message 22: by Jarod

Jarod Kintz Amy wrote: "Hey, Jarod. How's it going? I just thought I'd drop by and say hello and I hope you're having a great weekend. :)"

Life is great! How are you?

message 21: by Amy

Amy Hey, Jarod. How's it going? I just thought I'd drop by and say hello and I hope you're having a great weekend. :)

FabulousRaye That's fabulous! I think I'm turning into my late, German next door neighbor. Her name was Edith and she was a crazy cat lady.

Kelly/yllektra Thanks for adding me! :)

message 18: by Ellen

Ellen Maze Hi Jared! I'm a fan just from your profile info. I put your book on my shelf to-read...
Have a great day!

message 17: by S.J.

S.J. Davis Jared! You are hilarious! I look forward to getting to know you much better. Cheers!

message 16: by Nely

Nely Cab Jared,

Thanks for the add, and thanks for the humor to go with my lunch. Loved that interview!

-Nely Cab

message 15: by Becca

Becca Thx for your friendship request...you had it with the Colbert quote!!!

message 14: by Jarod

Jarod Kintz April wrote: "Thanks for the add. My Birthday is March 4th :oP"

yes! beautiful time of year, yes?

message 13: by April

April Thanks for the add. My Birthday is March 4th :oP

message 12: by Lenore

Lenore Thanks for the request. Your bio cracked me up!

message 11: by Susie

Susie Thanks for the friendship! :-)

message 10: by Shanna

Shanna Hey! Thanks for the friendship. I liked the picture quotes by the way, I giggled out loud at a few, earning me some funny looks. Just one question, are those tiger slippers? Lol

Jillian Peery Thanks for the add! Have a great day my friend!

message 8: by M.

M. Leighton Thanks for friending me, Jarod:) Sounds like we've got a lot in common. Well the important things anyway, things like Jack Handey and Monty Python:D If you feel the need to share your Deep Thoughts or "bring out your dead," drop me an e-mail. I'm always up for a laugh;)

Tiffany Capozzi Thank you for the friendship!! Tiffany

Veronica Thanks for the friendship.

message 5: by Jarod

Jarod Kintz P. J. wrote: "Thanks for the friendship!"

You're welcome, P.J. How are you?

message 4: by Jarod

Jarod Kintz Patricia wrote: "Thanks for the friendship request, Jarod. I like funny people. LOL."

You're welcome Patricia :) How are you doing today?

Patricia Puddle Thanks for the friendship request, Jarod. I like funny people. LOL.

message 2: by P.J.

P.J. Thanks for the friendship!

message 1: by Benson (last edited Sep 05, 2011 06:49PM)

Benson Bruno We were on the same bowling team for years, but we always stuck to our separate lanes. Not that I didn’t notice him.

At first, I didn’t really go out of my way too much…I just altered my shoe size so we’d match. Every time I squeezed into a 9 ½, I’d waddle over to my lane thinking ‘Could this be the pair?’

I could never help checking out his game. Whenever he bent over to glide his 14-pounder towards the gutter, I’d stand behind Gums McGee and gawk at his tush snuggled in denim (no one ever noticed…Gums tended to deflect attention from himself whenever he smiled). Jarod rarely bowled anything above zero, but every time he turned away from the lane, his sweatbands dripping, looking at the floor in despondence, slipping on his own sweat and banging his elbows against the polished wood, I’d think ‘Come on…get up…get up and let me see that cute tush.’

After a few years his elbows got bad enough that he couldn’t hold a ball anymore, so he had to quit the team. It was a few months later that I ran into him in the beans aisle of the supermarket.

“Hey, beans! I love those!”
“Really? Me too!”
“Wait a minute, don’t you live across the street from me?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Yeah, yeah you do. You’re in that big living room with the mounted elk head and the complete encyclopedia Britannica, minus volume 17. You’re right across the sidewalk from my curb. I park there sometimes.”

We shook hands and I helped his cart to a few dozen cans of beans.

“Why do your arms dangle like that?”
“I had my elbows removed. Why do you waddle like that?”
“My toes are permanently curled under my feet.”

Soon after that we moved in together and lived happily, with plenty of toilet paper and exotic ceramic bowls. Until I found out about Dora. Now we’re enemies.

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