Andrew Shaffer




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Andrew Shaffer

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in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, The United States
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male

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member since
October 2009


About this author

Andrew Shaffer is a humorist and author of Syfy's How to Survive a Sharknado (Three Rivers Press) and Fifty Shames of Earl Grey (Da Capo Press). He has appeared as a guest on FOX News, CBS, and NPR, and has been published in Mental Floss, Maxim, and The Daily Beast, among others.


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Andrew Shaffer Hello, Laurie. First, let's talk about the rash. A doctor would probably ask if you recently wore any jewelry which may have irritated your wrists, or…moreHello, Laurie. First, let's talk about the rash. A doctor would probably ask if you recently wore any jewelry which may have irritated your wrists, or maybe if you'd been gardening -- often when we garden, we wear gloves, but the sensitive skin of our wrists is exposed to prickly weeds and other allergens.

However, I'm not a doctor. I do live with a erotica writer, which gives me a little insight in this area.

I'm guessing you recently engaged in a little kink with your husband. If you used metal handcuffs, there was probably a nickel plating on them that caused you to break out in the rash. Nickel allergies are common, so don't worry. Try a pair of neoprene cuffs next time, and let me know if that solves the problem. In the meantime, a little hydrocortisone should take care of the itching.

As for your question about my forthcoming Syfy book, HOW TO SURVIVE A SHARKNADO AND OTHER UNNATURAL DISASTERS, all I'll say is that Random House and Syfy wanted an author who could handle a chainsaw. When they couldn't find one, they asked me.(less)
Andrew Shaffer Hello, Dorothy. That's an easy question to answer. Yes, I will be your BFF. Best Fox Friends. We'll watch Fox News together, every day and night.…moreHello, Dorothy. That's an easy question to answer. Yes, I will be your BFF. Best Fox Friends. We'll watch Fox News together, every day and night. We'll never stop. O'Reilly, that one white lady, that other white lady--we'll watch them all, consuming their every word with the appetite of Rush Limbaugh at a pill party. Hey...hey--where are you going? Come back! I thought we were going to be BFFs... :((less)
Average rating: 3.51 · 5,803 ratings · 1,494 reviews · 16 distinct works · Similar authors
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More books by Andrew Shaffer…

For the first time in over three years, I'll be doing a reading in my hometown of Cedar Rapids, Iowa. The last time I read there, a tornado touched down a few miles away and interrupted the reading. This time...a sharknado?

I'll be signing copies of "How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters" at Cedar Rapids' New Bo Books on September 11 at 7pm. The event is free and open to the...

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Endgame: The Calling
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For the first time in over three years, I'll be doing a reading in my hometown of Cedar Rapids, Iowa. The last time I read there, a tornado touched... Read more of this blog post »
Skeleton Crew by Stephen King
Skeleton Crew
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"Jurassic Park is one of my all-time favorite films. Jeff Goldblum made math look so sexy. "
Kelly (and the Book Boar)
Kelly (and the Book Boar) is 17% done with How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters: "DINONAMI - High Risk Groups: Eccentric Billionaires, Mathematicians in Leather Jackets."

A Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park reference? BEST. BOOK. EVER.

19288325
"Looks like you guys will be totally fine. "
Dear Luke, We Need to Talk, Darth by John Moe
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Funniest book I've read this year.
Andrew Shaffer and 8 other people liked Tiffany Reisz's blog post: UK SALE on THE SAINT!
"Hi Sinners! If you're in the UK, a fan of The Original Sinners, and haven't bought THE SAINT yet, now is the time! The price on the UK Kindle version has been temporarily dropped to 2.39. Regular price 7.99. Buy now before it goes back up! http..." Read more of this blog post »
"I’m very excited to announce that my novella Decadence has made the finals in the RWA Passionate Plume Awards! To see the full list of finalists in all categories, please click here. Winners will be announced at the RWA convention in July. ..." Read more of this blog post »
More of Andrew's books…
“I like my tea like I like my men,” I say. With the last name “Grey.” But I realize that’s too forward, so I add, “Black.”

He raises an eyebrow.

“I mean, not that I exclusively like black men,” I say, trying to recover. “I like other kinds of tea. And men.”

“Have you ever tasted...white tea, Anna?”
Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“As I brush my long, brown hair, the girl in the mirror with blue eyes too big for her head stares back at me. Wait...I don’t have blue eyes! Then I realize I haven’t been looking into the mirror. I’ve been staring at a poster of Kristen Stewart for five minutes. My own hair is actually fine.”
Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

Stop it, girl. There’s no way he’s five-years-old. Or one hundred. He’s probably like every other CEO on the planet: Late twenties, handsome in that geeky sort of way, and just as awkward as you. I breathe a sigh of relief, because I know I’m probably right.”
Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody
tags: humor

Topics Mentioning This Author

“You can never be wise and be in love at the same time.”
Bob Dylan

“I like my tea like I like my men,” I say. With the last name “Grey.” But I realize that’s too forward, so I add, “Black.”

He raises an eyebrow.

“I mean, not that I exclusively like black men,” I say, trying to recover. “I like other kinds of tea. And men.”

“Have you ever tasted...white tea, Anna?”
Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“My shift isn’t over until six,” I say glumly.

“Hold on,” he says. He pulls a Blackberry from his coat pocket and taps out a text. It buzzes, and he taps out another text before stashing it back in his pocket. “I think you can take the rest of the afternoon off.”

“I only have a week left, but my boss would kill me,” I say.

“I’m your boss, Anna.”

“What do you mean?”

There’s that smile again, the one with all those teeth. “I just bought Walmart,” he says.”
Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody
tags: humour

“No man is an island,” he says. “Islands are made of dirt and rocks and trees. I don’t know any people made of such things. Therefore, people are not islands.”
Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“As I brush my long, brown hair, the girl in the mirror with blue eyes too big for her head stares back at me. Wait...I don’t have blue eyes! Then I realize I haven’t been looking into the mirror. I’ve been staring at a poster of Kristen Stewart for five minutes. My own hair is actually fine.”
Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

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Comments (showing 1-4)    post a comment »
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message 4: by Rita

Rita Jett Thanks for friend requesting. Am a fan.
Slugging through fifty shades of shit right now, but looking forward to checking out your parody ebook! Best with everything :)


Andrew Shaffer I voted for you too! ;)


message 2: by G

G Hey, I voted for you in the Independent Book Blogger Awards--you totally deserve to win! My husband and I both enjoy your blog, it always makes us laugh.

Best of luck to you. Maybe we will both win. Ha ha, I won't, but you have a real shot.


Delilah Marvelle Hey Andrew boy! I'm totally shocked we weren't already friends. Thanks for fixing that :)


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