Andrew Shaffer




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Andrew Shaffer

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in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, The United States
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October 2009


About this author

Andrew Shaffer is a humorist and author of Syfy's How to Survive a Sharknado (Three Rivers Press) and Fifty Shames of Earl Grey (Da Capo Press). He has appeared as a guest on FOX News, CBS, and NPR, and has been published in Mental Floss, Maxim, and The Daily Beast, among others.


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Andrew Shaffer Hello, Laurie. First, let's talk about the rash. A doctor would probably ask if you recently wore any jewelry which may have irritated your wrists, or…moreHello, Laurie. First, let's talk about the rash. A doctor would probably ask if you recently wore any jewelry which may have irritated your wrists, or maybe if you'd been gardening -- often when we garden, we wear gloves, but the sensitive skin of our wrists is exposed to prickly weeds and other allergens.

However, I'm not a doctor. I do live with a erotica writer, which gives me a little insight in this area.

I'm guessing you recently engaged in a little kink with your husband. If you used metal handcuffs, there was probably a nickel plating on them that caused you to break out in the rash. Nickel allergies are common, so don't worry. Try a pair of neoprene cuffs next time, and let me know if that solves the problem. In the meantime, a little hydrocortisone should take care of the itching.

As for your question about my forthcoming Syfy book, HOW TO SURVIVE A SHARKNADO AND OTHER UNNATURAL DISASTERS, all I'll say is that Random House and Syfy wanted an author who could handle a chainsaw. When they couldn't find one, they asked me.(less)
Andrew Shaffer Hello, Dorothy. That's an easy question to answer. Yes, I will be your BFF. Best Fox Friends. We'll watch Fox News together, every day and night.…moreHello, Dorothy. That's an easy question to answer. Yes, I will be your BFF. Best Fox Friends. We'll watch Fox News together, every day and night. We'll never stop. O'Reilly, that one white lady, that other white lady--we'll watch them all, consuming their every word with the appetite of Rush Limbaugh at a pill party. Hey...hey--where are you going? Come back! I thought we were going to be BFFs... :((less)
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More books by Andrew Shaffer…









"Every bit as amusing (and straight-faced) as the film franchise that spawned it." —Entertainment Weekly

EW's exclusive excerpt features instructions on how to wield a chainsaw like a boss, why you should check with your mother before dropping bombs into a sharknado, and other helpful tips.

Read the excerpt onEW.com!

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Published on July 21, 2014 16:51

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Endgame: The Calling
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Andrew's Recent Updates

Andrew Shaffer wrote a new blog post

"Every bit as amusing (and straight-faced) as the film franchise that spawned it." —Entertainment Weekly
EW's exclusive excerpt features instructio... Read more of this blog post »
Dear Luke, We Need to Talk, Darth by John Moe
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Funniest book I've read this year.
Andrew Shaffer and 8 other people liked Tiffany Reisz's blog post: UK SALE on THE SAINT!
"Hi Sinners! If you're in the UK, a fan of The Original Sinners, and haven't bought THE SAINT yet, now is the time! The price on the UK Kindle version has been temporarily dropped to 2.39. Regular price 7.99. Buy now before it goes back up! http..." Read more of this blog post »
"I’m very excited to announce that my novella Decadence has made the finals in the RWA Passionate Plume Awards! To see the full list of finalists in all categories, please click here. Winners will be announced at the RWA convention in July. ..." Read more of this blog post »
Andrew Shaffer is now a fan of Goodreads Author Sara Benincasa and Kurt Vonnegut
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by Sara Benincasa (Goodreads Author)
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Great.
The Sober Truth by Lance Dodes
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A dry read.
More of Andrew's books…
“I like my tea like I like my men,” I say. With the last name “Grey.” But I realize that’s too forward, so I add, “Black.”

He raises an eyebrow.

“I mean, not that I exclusively like black men,” I say, trying to recover. “I like other kinds of tea. And men.”

“Have you ever tasted...white tea, Anna?”
Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“As I brush my long, brown hair, the girl in the mirror with blue eyes too big for her head stares back at me. Wait...I don’t have blue eyes! Then I realize I haven’t been looking into the mirror. I’ve been staring at a poster of Kristen Stewart for five minutes. My own hair is actually fine.”
Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

Stop it, girl. There’s no way he’s five-years-old. Or one hundred. He’s probably like every other CEO on the planet: Late twenties, handsome in that geeky sort of way, and just as awkward as you. I breathe a sigh of relief, because I know I’m probably right.”
Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody
tags: humor

Topics Mentioning This Author

“You can never be wise and be in love at the same time.”
Bob Dylan

“I like my tea like I like my men,” I say. With the last name “Grey.” But I realize that’s too forward, so I add, “Black.”

He raises an eyebrow.

“I mean, not that I exclusively like black men,” I say, trying to recover. “I like other kinds of tea. And men.”

“Have you ever tasted...white tea, Anna?”
Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“My shift isn’t over until six,” I say glumly.

“Hold on,” he says. He pulls a Blackberry from his coat pocket and taps out a text. It buzzes, and he taps out another text before stashing it back in his pocket. “I think you can take the rest of the afternoon off.”

“I only have a week left, but my boss would kill me,” I say.

“I’m your boss, Anna.”

“What do you mean?”

There’s that smile again, the one with all those teeth. “I just bought Walmart,” he says.”
Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody
tags: humour

“No man is an island,” he says. “Islands are made of dirt and rocks and trees. I don’t know any people made of such things. Therefore, people are not islands.”
Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“As I brush my long, brown hair, the girl in the mirror with blue eyes too big for her head stares back at me. Wait...I don’t have blue eyes! Then I realize I haven’t been looking into the mirror. I’ve been staring at a poster of Kristen Stewart for five minutes. My own hair is actually fine.”
Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

106283 MARK TWAIN SOCIETY — 36 members — last activity Dec 02, 2013 08:11PM
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Comments (showing 1-4)    post a comment »
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message 4: by Rita

Rita Jett Thanks for friend requesting. Am a fan.
Slugging through fifty shades of shit right now, but looking forward to checking out your parody ebook! Best with everything :)


Andrew Shaffer I voted for you too! ;)


message 2: by G

G Hey, I voted for you in the Independent Book Blogger Awards--you totally deserve to win! My husband and I both enjoy your blog, it always makes us laugh.

Best of luck to you. Maybe we will both win. Ha ha, I won't, but you have a real shot.


Delilah Marvelle Hey Andrew boy! I'm totally shocked we weren't already friends. Thanks for fixing that :)


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