Justin Halpern's Blog

"No. I want the salad...Live a little? I'm ordering lunch. I don't have a choice between salad or fucking skydiving."

Sorry, shit my dad says got hacked. My dad isn't trying to sell you a crappy lap top, I promise. Don't open any links.

"He's a politician. It's like being a hooker. You can't be one unless you can pretend to like people while you're fucking them."

"You don't have to be good to succeed. You just gotta be the least shitty option. Example: We're eating at The Olive Garden."

"You came out of your mom looking like shit. She thought you were beautiful. Don't know what scared me most, your looks or her judgment."

"Put the rake down. I don't wanna sit around watching you 'give it your best.' Either stop sucking or get the fuck out of the way."

"See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested."

"Invite them. A wedding is a loaded gun. Don't be the asshole staring down the barrel asking which button makes the boom noise."

"Don't focus on the one guy who hates you. You don't go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog shit."

"Engagement rings are pointless. Indians gave cows...Oh sorry, congrats on proposing. We good now? Can I finish my indian story?"