Joshua Donellan's Blog: JMDonellan.com

September 4, 2016

For the last few months I’ve been working on the script for a project called Six Cold Feet with the luminously talented actor/producer Jessica McGaw. We are now beginning the overwhelmingly wondrous and wondrously overwhelming process of casting. We’re really excited about this project, and it’ll be a really fun and easy recording process for the cast. You won’t even need to worry about spending hours in hair and make-up or weird costumes or anything! You can show up to record in your pjs if you want.


We’re looking for male and female actors across a variety of ages for the different roles. Full brief and contact details are below. I look forward to hearing your vocal wizardry.


broken guitar


This project will take the form of a ten-episode fiction podcast told in the style of ‘found audio’ (the audio equivalent of a found footage movie).


The story follows the disappearance of a musician and her brother’s attempts to find and help her. He interviews friends and family, uploading recordings to their band’s website in the hope that fans will help find her. As the series progresses the audience begins to realise that he is an unreliable narrator and there is a lot more to his family and the town they live in than he is willing to reveal.


When he finally finds his sister, she confronts him about of his distorted version of reality, and he is forced to either leave the world he knows behind or surrender to delusion.


Six Cold Feet is set in rural QLD and will be presented with a soundtrack of both old blues songs that mirror the themes of tragedy in music and the tortured artist as well as original recordings made by the cast. It is inspired by the mystery and mythology surrounding musicians such as Robert Johnson, Syd Barrett, Kurt Cobain, Nina Simone and Janis Joplin.


This project is profit share and after costs are recouped, actors will be paid based on their time commitment, size of role and rehearsal attendance.


If you would like to audition, please email jess_mcgaw@hotmail.com to receive a cast list and excerpts.





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 Love letters to corporations: Vodafone  Sydney Airport: Please Tell Your Robots To Stop Sexually Harassing Me In The Bathroom  For sale: Midi keyboard formerly owned by Ludwig Van Beethoven  State of Origin: yet another thing that I don't care about but apparently should  Interim parliament vows to keep Australia 'one nation under a groove'Copyright © JM Donellan [Six Cold Feet audition callout], All Right Reserved. 2016.
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Published on September 04, 2016 23:00 • 26 views

July 27, 2016

Hello, I’m very angry! Are you angry? Fair enough, there’s plenty to be angry about. Sometimes when people are angry they say things which they shouldn’t. Not shouldn’t as in ‘you are not permitted to do that particular thing’ but shouldn’t as in ‘it would really be in everyone’s best interest if you didn’t do that particular thing.’ Often – especially when they’re afraid – people say hurtful, hateful and racist things. Typically, immediately after that parcel of word-vomit has finished emancipating itself from their mouths they yelp ‘But I’m not a racist and anyway I have a right to free speech!’


There seems to be a lot of confusion about free speech. This is understandable, given that there are in fact many different types of free. Facebook claims to be ‘free’ because it doesn’t charge you money, but it does take all of your information and all of your friends’ information and sells that data thus profiting from the intrusion of your privacy- something that you should be a lot angrier about but aren’t because you’re busy being furious with people because who have varying levels of skin pigmentation. Stores often advertise ‘buy our overpriced plastic consumer goods to fill that empty chasm in your life and receive a FREE GIFT!!!!’ but this makes no sense because gifts are by definition free and if a purchase is required than the object in question is not actually a gift, it’s just another thing.


free gift

*requires blood sample, bank details, your firstborn child and a collection of three years’ worth of belly lint.


Given that the idea of ‘free’ is so poorly understood it’s no surprise that some people seem to have a grasp of the concept of ‘free speech’ that is as shaky as a shake weight in an earthquake in Kelis’ yard. Let’s have a quick refresher on how free speech works:


1 You ejaculate a garbled string of wordsounds from your mouth-hole.


2 People respond with their own wordsound ejaculations.


They may agree, disagree, disrespect, expand, expound, expectorate, proselytise, prattle, protest or drop a sick beatbox beat. It’s up to them! This part is actually as important as the first part because if only one opinion was permitted then this would not be free speech.


If you like you can say something hurtful to someone. Or, if you’re particularly adventurous, to an entire group of people, an entire race even! It’s not against the law. HOWEVER, that’s not to say it isn’t wrong. I could cheat on my girlfriend and it wouldn’t be against the law but it would be a pretty horrible thing to do and also quite difficult because very few people are sexually attracted to me and besides who even has the time for an affair? I barely have time to do laundry. So if you want to say something horrible and racist and your excuse is ‘IT’S NOT AGAINST THE LAW!’ you might want to try a fun game called shutting up and/or jumping in a  cobra pit.


cobra pit

Hey guys, I didn’t mean it like that! Some of my best friends belong to class reptilia suborder serpentes family elapidae!


For argument’s sake let’s say you’re really super keen on forging ahead with wanting to say awful things to people, quite possibly because your world view is as sophisticated as that of an an encephalitic mountain weasel. It’s important that you remember the thing that comes after speech, which is almost always ‘more speech.’ If you say a thing, let’s say for example a racist thing, there is an astronomically high chance that someone will call you a racist. This is because you have said a racist thing. Often this is called ’cause and effect’ or ‘calling a spade a spade’ or sometimes ‘uncle Larry’s had too many tinnies and is going on about the Japanese again…’


People will respond thusly because:


free speech = the right to share your opinions and ideas


free speech ≠ the right to share your opinions and ideas without recrimination or response

If you say something which is empirically false and someone replies ‘You are wrong,’ this is not an ‘attack on free speech,’ it is an act of free speech. If you vomit wordsounds that stereotype, persecute or vilify an entire race then people will call you racist because you have said a racist thing, this is also an act of free speech. You might defend yourself by claiming to be a ‘patriot’ or ‘free thinker’ (there’s that word again!) but neither of those terms are applicable in this scenario. Similarly, if you frequently set fire to things because watching objects consumed by flame fills you with malicious, destructive glee, it is likely that someone might comment: ‘You sir/madam, are an arsonist!’ You may object and say ‘That is inaccurate! I am merely a person who places fire on things and if those things burn it is not my fault the blame lies with said things for possessing flammable properties!’ However, you will be not only incorrect but also the textbook definition of an arsonist because you have repeatedly committed arson.


Pyro_(St._John_Allerdyce)

I’m not an arsonist, I’m just a combustion enthusiast!’


Thus if you would like to not be called a racist the easiest way is not to do or say racist things. That way, we can all have the right to free speech without necessarily invoking it in order to spread hate. I’m a big fan of free speech,  a hardcore fan, a superfan. I want to bribe security to get into its greenrom and have it sign my nipples. In this country I’ve been able to say things in books, magazines, blog posts, poems, songs and on stages that in plenty of other places would have seen me arrested or possibly killed. That’s not something I take lightly, which is exactly why we should use free speech as an important tool in the continuing evolution of our shared knowledge and understanding, rather than as a crutch for justifying linguistic vitriol.


Agree, disagree? Great! I look forward to hearing your affirmations, remonstrations and sick beatbox beats.


 


Click here to purchase  J.M. Donellan’s Book of Things Which Should Be Completely Obvious But You Clearly Still Don’t Understand for just twelve easy payments of $3.1415 with a FREE GIFT!!!




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 Gatsby 8 bit  Dearest Ministers of Education: please buy 2 million copies of Zeb and the Great Ruckus.  How to Turn Your Child Into a ninja-scientist-guitar-soloing-human rights champion in one easy step.  Launch party photos  100 books a yearCopyright © JM Donellan [Let's talk freely about free speech (for free).], All Right Reserved. 2016.
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Published on July 27, 2016 00:16 • 7 views

June 2, 2016

Bellingen-Readers-Writers-Festival16


Good morrow, readers and rabble-rousers! I’m very excited to be travelling down to the Bellingen Readers and Writers Festival next week. Although I must admit I am slightly terrified by the fact that my road tripping buddy and fellow Pantera Press author Graham Potts issued a (suicide) request for people to suggest the most horrible songs possible for his driving mix. If I come back home a sweaty, convulsive mess you’ll know why.


I’ve never been to Bellingen and everyone says it’s wonderful so I’m grateful to have this excuse to visit for a couple of days. If you’re in the area or know someone who is, come and say hi. The line up includes other Pantera authors such as the aforementioned Graham, Lynette Noni and CEO Alison Green as well as other amazing writers like David Williamson, Richard Glover and Debra Oswald.


Click here to see my sessions.


Click here to see the full program.


Click here to see a story about a giant meth-addicted snake. 




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 I wanted to do a simple reading, but things got out of hand...  Dearest Academy Floral OR STFU Valentine's day  The Eternal sneak preview #2  Twelve  Regurgitator superhappyxmasfuntimes @ the Zoo reviewed for rave magazineCopyright © JM Donellan [Bellingen Readers and Writers Festival], All Right Reserved. 2016.
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Published on June 02, 2016 15:31 • 17 views

May 26, 2016

Very excited to finally share my talk from TEDxSouthBank! Big thanks to Anna Cooke, Rozina Suliman, Imaginary Theatre and QAGOMA for letting me use their images and discuss their wonderful creations. I had a lot of fun doing this, the first couple of minutes are me performing a spoken word piece about the experience of attending TEDx, the rest is a brief talk about the importance of art, particularly for children. Hope you enjoy it, feel free to share it around!





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 Rock & Roll Writers Festival  My Dearest Target  KILLING ADONIS BOOK LAUNCH    On the making of monsters. Copyright © JM Donellan [TEDxSouthBank talk: Why We Need Art], All Right Reserved. 2016.
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Published on May 26, 2016 20:25 • 4 views

Over the last few years I’ve had many aspiring writers come to me for advice as they seek to make their way through the confusing labyrinth that is the publishing industry. Sometimes it’s simple queries like ‘should I get an agent?’, sometimes more bizarre requests like ‘for the love of God could you please stop talking about royalty payments and call an ambulance I think this man is having a heart attack!’


whiteboard list


Many of these young, hopeful writers have subsequently released novels which have not only outsold mine but also been far more critically acclaimed. This means that they end up being given headline slots at literary festivals while I’m shuffling around in one of the weird rooms on the top floor of a secondary venue for a panel that is attended by half a dozen octogenarians who were expecting a workshop on efficient calendar management (it was actually scheduled for the following evening).


I thought for this reason that it would be a good idea to give some advice to my future rivals peers. Follow these wise words and you too could become a New York Limes Bestsmelling Author!


 


STEP ONE


Make sure all of your submissions are written in size eight and covered in glitter.


tobias-glitter-arrested-development-1422021365


Here’s a little industry secret: submission editors actually want to read everything in size eight font. I know, I know, all the style guides say never hand in anything outside of 11-13, but this is actually an elaborate ruse to throw off the easily misled. There’s a saying in publishing: “If it ain’t size eight, it ain’t that great.” Remember to cover your submission in as much glitter as you can get your hands on, and spray it with the scent of old feet and mildew (submission editors have unusual olfactory senses owing to the fact that they spend a lot of time in tiny rooms reading size eight font manuscripts). This will give your submission the edge it needs to make it all the way to the publishing queue. 


STEP TWO


Industry etiquette and relevant blood-oaths and battlecries


When engaging important figureheads of the publishing industry in conversation remember that they are a bit like rare birds; they are easily scared off and they feed their children by regurgitating into their mouths. The key to making a good impression is to use the secret handshake: firm grip and two bone-crushing pumps as you conspiratorially whisper “The blood moon approaches!” while slowly pouring your drink on their shoes. Once this secret greeting is uttered, you will be invited into the hallowed halls of the Literary Industry’s Elite Sanctuary.


 


STEP THREE


Dress to depress!


tomselleck


So you’ve managed to arrange a meeting with your dream publisher. Wow, things are really looking upwardstyles!!!! Pay close attention to these dress tips and you could soon be a best-selling author like Stieg Larsson, Margaret Atwood or that girl who was on the Jersey Shore. Men: make sure you are showing as much chest hair as possible, preferably arranged in braids. If you are lacking in chest hair, you’ll want to shave a large jungle cat or Sumatran orangutang and glue its hair to your chest. Ladies: it’s a sad truth that women are always judged more on their appearance than men, but for job interviews you want to look serious, professional and intelligent. This is why you should wear whatever the hell you want AS LONG AS it is accompanied by a sign hung around your neck that says in large red letters I AM VERY SERIOUS, PROFESSIONAL AND INTELLIGENT.


STEP FOUR


Contract non-negotiables: Attack helicopters et al


If you’ve followed all these steps, then it must be time to sign that contract. Hot diggity Dogstoveksy, the dream is real! Your mum was right, you really are special! Maybe that weird old martial arts expert you met in the cave was also right about you being the Chosen One! Now, I’m not too proud to admit that I’ve signed some less than perfect contracts in the past, so let me help you avoid the same mistake by looking out for what pitfalls to avoid. Aside from minor details like royalties and film rights, you’ll want to focus on making sure that your contract includes both an attack helicopter with twin laser canons as well as one of the rings of power.


galadriel

“If you want it, PUT A RING UPON IT!”


Now, don’t get me wrong, you don’t want to ask for the ONE RING, because that is just a dick move. However, there are many rings of power and it is standard that each new author receive one as part of their contract with any respectable publisher. They may try and throw you off by saying ‘The rings of power aren’t actually real?’ or ‘Are you completely insane?’ or possibly even ‘Have you been listening to that idiot J. M. Donellan?!?’ But stand your ground and tell them: ‘Gimmie that ring, or this contract ain’t a thing.’ If your potential publisher is not willing to give into these perfectly reasonable demands then the only honourable thing to do is set that contract, and possibly their building, on fire and walk off into the sunset.


Next week: J. M. Donellan’s guide to INSTANT weight reduction!!!!! (STEP ONE: cut off your legs.)


 


 


 




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   Love letters to corporations: Vodafone  Casino Battle Royale  The Next Big Thing  Dear vending machine in the emergency ward at the Royal Brisbane hospital: I hate you.Copyright © JM Donellan [How to become a New York Limes Bestsmelling Author.], All Right Reserved. 2016.
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Published on May 26, 2016 01:09 • 9 views

May 15, 2016


Just some of the many household applications for J.M. Donellan’s new poetry collection Stendhal Syndrome. Don’t like poetry? No problem! There’s plenty of ways to enjoy this book, from zombie barricade to a creative plate for your cooking creations, the sky’s the limit with this GREAT NEW PRODUCT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




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 Stendhal Syndrome launch party!  Rhinoceros in Love (reviewed for Rave magazine)  Ain't no party like a launch party    Interview with Jo NesboCopyright © JM Donellan [Stendhal Syndrome: so many uses!!!!], All Right Reserved. 2016.
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Published on May 15, 2016 23:37 • 8 views

April 19, 2016

 


COVER -1 jpg


Well, I guess I ended up doing the thing I’ve specifically told numerous people you should never do; I’m releasing two books this month. One is the poetry collection Stendhal Syndrome, the other is a collaboration with a world renowned and highly talented artist who also happens to be my mother, Wendy Donellan. She sent me twelve of her paintings and I’ve written a dozen stories to accompany them. We are presenting this collaboration in a variety of formats including an exhibition at Woolloongabba art gallery, audio recordings (available to purchase and download on bandcamp or stream for free via soundcloud) and a limited edition book.


BurnThe book is going to have a print run of just 100 copies, 20 of which have already been sold. The mathematically gifted among you will of course realise this means you should get busy if you want to get your grubby mitts on one of these beautiful books.


brindabella


You can purchase them at the gallery during the exhibition or click on the button below and we will send one to you via a postperson (that’s a person who delivers mail, not someone who is no longer a  person, although sometimes the two overlap).


Love etc.


JD








Postage options


Gallery pickup $20.00 AUDBook + delivery $28.50 AUD











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 XMAS BOOKS.  The Eternal sneak preview #1  The Stench of Adventure  Rhinoceros in Love (reviewed for Rave magazine)  CARAVAGGIO. ORWELL. ABORTION. XBOX.Copyright © JM Donellan [Twelve], All Right Reserved. 2016.
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Published on April 19, 2016 01:25 • 9 views

March 23, 2016

March 9, 2016

rockroll-1-644x279


Hello there humans and any AI programs reading this, I’ve been a bit quiet of late but there are lots of exciting announcements to come in the next few weeks. The first of these is that I’m very proud to announce that I’ll be at the first ever Rock & Roll Writers Festival. There’s not really anything quite like it anywhere in the world, in that it brings together iconic musicians alongside writers who focus on music in their work. I’m very excited to have such a festival born in my home city, and absolutely thrilled to be on a panel alongside Deborah Conway and Don McGlashan:


3.00 pm – Dancing In The Dark  (Sunday) 


From novel-length saga to three-minute pop song, choosing the right words and correct structure is paramount in getting your message across. But how do you effectively combine the two? And how different is writing for a reader, as opposed to writing for a listener?


Moderator:   Samuel J. Fell

Panellists:   Deborah Conway, Don McGlashan, J.M.Donellan


The festival is structured so that there are no clashes (my pet peeve of festivals of any kind) and there is just one easy, all inclusive ticket price for the whole weekend. 1st release tix have already sold out but you can still get tickets here and check out the full program here.


I’m really looking forward to this one. Hope to see you there!




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 ZEB IS EVERYWHERE!  INAPPROPRIATE SHARE HOUSE BEHAVIOUR  SHOOT art party!!  What NOT to wear this season (because you are cleary incapable of dressing yourself).  Goodbye to Ghosts (for now). Copyright © JM Donellan [Rock & Roll Writers Festival], All Right Reserved. 2016.
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Published on March 09, 2016 18:57 • 4 views

January 24, 2016

My dearest Vodafone,


You have wounded me, right in the very centre of my coal-black heart. We’ve been together for six years now, ever since way back when Rudd was PM (the first time round). Back in those youthful halcyon days I always swore I’d never go on a contract. All my friends were settling down, signing their lives away while I was living free and easy. I casually switched month to month from Optus to Virgin to Telstra. It was a beautiful, debt-free era and a part of me thought it would be like that forever.


sad face      Broken-heart-icon   Vodafone


But then you came along, and I committed to two years. And another two. And another. Before I knew it we’d changed PMs four times and you and I were looking at our 6 year anniversary. I’ve never even rented the same house longer than 3 years, so you should know this is a pretty serious commitment for me.


I thought that meant something. You always there for me when I called, unless I wanted to call anywhere outside the CBD and then your coverage would be as absent as dignity at a frat party, but I accepted that you just weren’t the outdoors type. I also accepted that you didn’t even know how to spell ‘phone’, despite the fact that the primary purpose of your existence is to provide telephonic services. I forgave these faults and plenty more besides, because I thought you cared.


Lately, however, things have taken an ugly turn. First, I find out that despite earning 3.6 billion dollars in13/14 you paid no tax whatsoever. Sure, the tax evasion hurts, but you know what really twists the knife? The fact that you kept it from me. 


Finally, you decided to check in with me, to see how I’m feeling about you. I respect that you care about my feelings, but I wanted clarification on the nature of our relationship. Here’s what happened:


2016-01-21 15.20.39 2016-01-21 15.20.49


2016-01-21 15.23.19  2016-01-21 15.25.36


2016-01-21 15.27.30


I’m hurt Vodafone, I’d call one of my friends and cry into the phone at them if not for the fact that I just KNOW you’d listen in. We’ve had some good times, but I’ll be keeping our relationship strictly business from now on. You can assume my reply to all future surveys is ZERO, unless of course the question is ‘how much tax should Vodafone pay after earning 3.6 billion in profits?’


Swarm Re:guards


JM Donellan




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   Love letters to corporations episode #6  Eighty Nine now available everywhere and everywhen  Reduce Translink fares: 3600 signatures and counting...  LibraryCopyright © JM Donellan [Love letters to corporations: Vodafone], All Right Reserved. 2016.
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Published on January 24, 2016 23:01 • 22 views