Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion
May 22, 2016
(Does Harriet Tubman cause homosexuality?)
I need to share with you a couple things I saw on facebook … since, you know, because they’re on facebook, they’re true.
At first glance, these two things won’t seem to have anything in common. But they do. They point out a very scary trend: more and more people are getting their news from facebook, the largest social media platform in the universe, if you don’t count Hillary’s pantsuits.
According to a new study, over 60% of Millennials...
May 15, 2016
(Crackers. Crayons. Cross-dressing.)
Remember the good old days, when children had childhoods? Well, I hope you took plenty of pictures, ’cause childhood just got cancelled.
Yes, America. Thanks to the gentle guidance of President Barack “Congress, Shmongress” Obama and the Federal Gender Identity Police, your elementary school children will soon be sharing the same bathroom, regardless of hateful, bigoted, outdated biology concepts like “girls” and “boys.”
Apparently, lots of con...
May 8, 2016
(Dangers. Hazards. Tropical fruit.)
Yeah, I know, I know. Warren Zevon said it first.
In fact, Life’ll Kill Ya was the title (and the title track) of his tenth album. I remember. This was back in the good old days, when musicians still used actual music in their music, instead of just a lot of loops and yelling. Oh, bands still got angry back then, but they remembered to use chords, too.
But Warren was right: life’ll kill ya. And, in fact, the “Excitable Boy” – the man who gave us...
May 1, 2016
(Honey, grab the kids. Ed’s weeding again.)
Yes, Virginia. There is a World Naked Gardening Day.
Imagine it. It’s a lovely weekend morning in May. You grab a hot cup of coffee, sling on your bathrobe, and shuffle out to the curb to fetch the paper. And there’s your neighbor, Ed, pruning a Japanese maple, stark bloody naked.
Ed, not the maple. Ed’s naked. Trees rarely have an agenda.
“Mornin’!” chirps Ed, who is way more pale than you knew. Or cared to. “Good-lookin’ day!”
April 24, 2016
(Hey, y’all, watch this!)
A month ago, somewhere in Georgia, a guy (of course it was a guy) got really, really bored and killed his lawnmower.
Okay you’re right – claiming the guy was bored is an assumption on my part – but it makes the facts in this weird news story easier to swallow.
Facts like these:
Understand: the guy didn’t just unload a few rounds into his Snapper in a blind moment of mowed rage. No, first he intentionally packed the lawnmower with exp...
April 23, 2016
“Hey, Dad! This weekend, can I borrow the dinghy?” Sadly, Ann had never considered the need for a vertical restraining order. Real Estate Tip #715: Never consider a property if the listing recommends visiting at high tide Tonight! On an all-new “Lifestyles of the Rich and Xenophobic!” “Oh, this’ll be like the most awesome selfie EVER! Let’s just take one step ba…aaaaaiiiiiieeeeee!” As he studied his next prospect, Ed began to question his decision to sell home security systems. “Oh, crap. I...
April 17, 2016
(Say ‘hello’ to Son of Flubber’s sister!)
Her name is Sophia.
She’s attractive, inquisitive, intelligent, pleasant and…of course…expensive. In fact, like Mary Poppins, Sophia is practically perfect in every way, except for one very Mary Poppins-like detail: Sophia’s not real.
Also, she wants to kill you.
Sophia is a device; a machine; an android. Sophia met humanity during the 2016 South by Southwest Conference (SXSW) in Austin, where she was introduced by her creator, Dr. David H...
April 10, 2016
(Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor beer…okay, maybe beer)
I read this past week that the U.S. Post Office plans to … ready? … to lower the price of a stamp, something that hasn’t happened in nearly 100 years. This will be fantastic news for the seven Americans who still actually mail stuff.
But it’s true. For only the third time since the Civil War, the price of a postage stamp is going down, this time plummeting from 49¢ to 47¢.
Historical sidebar: On the day after the Civil...
April 3, 2016
(Airports and other alternate universes)
I went to the airport twice this month, to remind myself why I hate going to the airport, and to gloat.
“Gloat? Why gloat?” you ask, assuming you’re the type of person who lobs questions at inanimate objects, like humor columns, or that female glacier who’s always in front of me at the grocery. I gloated because I wasn’t flying anywhere, on anything, seated between anybody with Scotch breath and bladder issues. But this month I went to the...
March 27, 2016
(Driving near rich people can get expensive)
Here’s a question that’s been troubling me: if a cop pulls over one of Google’s driver-less cars for speeding, and the non-existent driver makes a run for it, how long will it be before Al Sharpton shows up and starts yelling about systemic racism?
A few months ago, I got pulled over for speeding on a residential road near my house. In fact, over the last twenty years I’ve only reeled in two traffic tickets, and both of them were on thi...