Erma Bombeck





Erma Bombeck

Author profile


born
in Dayton, Ohio, The United States
February 21, 1927

died
April 22, 1996

gender
female

website

genre


About this author

Erma Louise Bombeck, born Erma Fiste, was an American humorist who achieved great popularity for a newspaper column that depicted suburban home life humorously, in the second half of the 20th century.

For 31 years since 1965, Erma Bombeck published 4,000 newspaper articles. Already in the 1970s, her witty columns were read, twice weekly, by thirty million readers of 900 newspapers of USA and Canada. Besides, the majority of her 15 books became instant best sellers.


Average rating: 4.09 · 28,055 ratings · 1,035 reviews · 59 distinct works · Similar authors
If Life Is a Bowl of Cherri...
4.07 of 5 stars 4.07 avg rating — 8,905 ratings — published 1978 — 17 editions
Rate this book
Clear rating
The Grass Is Always Greener...
4.09 of 5 stars 4.09 avg rating — 6,836 ratings — published 1976 — 16 editions
Rate this book
Clear rating
When You Look Like Your Pas...
4.06 of 5 stars 4.06 avg rating — 1,625 ratings — published 1991 — 12 editions
Rate this book
Clear rating
Family - The Ties that Bind...
4.06 of 5 stars 4.06 avg rating — 1,425 ratings — published 1987 — 8 editions
Rate this book
Clear rating
Motherhood: The Second Olde...
4.07 of 5 stars 4.07 avg rating — 1,333 ratings — published 1983 — 14 editions
Rate this book
Clear rating
At Wit's End
4.17 of 5 stars 4.17 avg rating — 1,171 ratings — published 1967 — 12 editions
Rate this book
Clear rating
Aunt Erma's Cope Book
4.11 of 5 stars 4.11 avg rating — 1,157 ratings — published 1979 — 12 editions
Rate this book
Clear rating
All I Know About Animal Beh...
4.07 of 5 stars 4.07 avg rating — 961 ratings — published 1995 — 8 editions
Rate this book
Clear rating
Just Wait Till You Have Chi...
4.17 of 5 stars 4.17 avg rating — 934 ratings — published 1971 — 16 editions
Rate this book
Clear rating
A Marriage Made in Heaven: ...
4.02 of 5 stars 4.02 avg rating — 897 ratings — published 1993 — 13 editions
Rate this book
Clear rating
More books by Erma Bombeck…
“When God Created Mothers"

When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of "overtime" when the angel appeared and said. "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."

And God said, "Have you read the specs on this order?" She has to be completely washable, but not plastic. Have 180 moveable parts...all replaceable. Run on black coffee and leftovers. Have a lap that disappears when she stands up. A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair. And six pairs of hands."

The angel shook her head slowly and said. "Six pairs of hands.... no way."

It's not the hands that are causing me problems," God remarked, "it's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have."

That's on the standard model?" asked the angel. God nodded.

One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, 'What are you kids doing in there?' when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say. 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word."

God," said the angel touching his sleeve gently, "Get some rest tomorrow...."

I can't," said God, "I'm so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick...can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger...and can get a nine year old to stand under a shower."

The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. "It's too soft," she sighed.

But tough!" said God excitedly. "You can imagine what this mother can do or endure."

Can it think?"

Not only can it think, but it can reason and compromise," said the Creator.

Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek.

There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told You that You were trying to put too much into this model."

It's not a leak," said the Lord, "It's a tear."

What's it for?"

It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride."

You are a genius, " said the angel.

Somberly, God said, "I didn't put it there.”
Erma Bombeck, When God Created Mothers

If I had my life to live over...

Someone asked me the other day if I had my life to live over would I change anything.

My answer was no, but then I thought about it and changed my mind.

If I had my life to live over again I would have waxed less and listened more.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy and complaining about the shadow over my feet, I'd have cherished every minute of it and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was to be my only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.

I would have eaten popcorn in the "good" living room and worried less about the dirt when you lit the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have burnt the pink candle that was sculptured like a rose before it melted while being stored.

I would have sat cross-legged on the lawn with my children and never worried about grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television ... and more while watching real life.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband which I took for granted.

I would have eaten less cottage cheese and more ice cream.

I would have gone to bed when I was sick, instead of pretending the Earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for a day.

I would never have bought ANYTHING just because it was practical/wouldn't show soil/ guaranteed to last a lifetime.

When my child kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now, go get washed up for dinner."

There would have been more I love yous ... more I'm sorrys ... more I'm listenings ... but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute of it ... look at it and really see it ... try it on ... live it ... exhaust it ... and never give that minute back until there was nothing left of it.”
Erma Bombeck, Eat Less Cottage Cheese and More Ice Cream: Thoughts on Life from Erma Bombeck

“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me.”
Erma Bombeck

Polls

More...