""yesterday I had a woman ask me what kind of salad dressings we have. I told her we have sesame soy dressing, spicy lime vinaigrette, and blue cheese. she made a face and asked, 'Is that all?' 'Yes,' I told her, 'those are all of our dressings.' 'Don't you have any other dressings?' he says. I mean, what the hell? What does she think? That I'm holding out? I was tempted to say, "No, we actually have an entirely different assortment of dressings that I don't tell people about the first time they ask, because they don't deserve these great secret dressings. But now that you hve proven your worth, I will show you to the VIP room, where the array of salad dressings will dazzle and delight you.'""
— Caprice Crane (Stupid and Contagious)

""you can have one of mine," he says. "i'll yank one out right now."
" no, that won't count. It has to be the lash that naturally falls out. "

He gets on his knees and starts looking for my lash."
— Caprice Crane (Stupid and Contagious)

""it's 4:21 am. He's gotta be done having mind-blowing-knock-your-dick-into-your-watch-pocket sex with her, and she's probably spooning with him right now. Ugh, it makes me sick. I'll bet he's in front, too, the dick. Anyone would know that Heaven is supposed to be the little spoon, but he's probably making her be the big spoon. ""
— Caprice Crane (Stupid and Contagious)