W.C. Fields > Quotes

“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”
― W.C. Fields

“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”
― W.C. Fields

“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”
― W.C. Fields

“I never hold a grudge. As soon as I get even with the son-of-a bitch, I forget it.”
― W.C. Fields

“Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.”
― W.C. Fields

“It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.”
― W.C. Fields

“I don't drink water. Fish fuck in it.”
― W.C. Fields

“I like children. If they're properly cooked.”
― W.C. Fields

“If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.”
― W.C. Fields

“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”
― W.C. Fields

“Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.”
― W.C. Fields

“A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money”
― W.C. Fields

“Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. ”
― W.C. Fields

“Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. ”
― W.C. Fields

“A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.”
― W.C. Fields

“Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!”
― W.C. Fields

“Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.”
― W.C. Fields

“No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.”
― W.C. Fields

“I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.”
― W.C. Fields

“Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill?

Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.”
― W.C. Fields

“Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.”
― W.C. Fields

“What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?”
― W.C. Fields

“Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.”
― W.C. Fields

“Marry an outdoors woman. That way, if you have to throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.”
― W.C. Fields

“Children should neither be seen nor heard from – ever again. ”
― W.C. Fields

“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore, always carry a small snake.”
― W.C. Fields, W.C. Fields by Himself

“It is funnier to bend things than to break them.”
― W.C. Fields

“I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.”
― W.C. Fields

“There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.”
― W.C. Fields

“If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.”
― W.C. Fields

“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.”
― W.C. Fields

“You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.”
― W.C. Fields

“Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.”
― W.C. Fields

“A woman drove me to drink and I never had the decency to thank her.”
― W.C. Fields

“We survived for days on nothing but food and water.”
― W.C. Fields

“All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia”
― W.C. Fields

“Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!”
― W.C. Fields

“I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.”
― W.C. Fields

“Ain't fit for man nor beast”
― W.C. Fields

“Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night”
― W.C. Fields

“You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.”
― W.C. Fields

“Goddamn the whole fucking world and everyone in it except you, Carlotta!”
― W.C. Fields

“Here lies W.C.Fields. I'd rather be living in Philadelphia.”
― W.C. Fields

“...try, try again.”
― W.C. Fields

“Children should never be seen nor heard from -- ever again.”
― W.C. Fields