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Arbinger Institute quotes (showing 1-30 of 48)

“There is a question I have learned to ask myself when I am feeling bothered about others: am I holding myself to the same standard I am demanding of them?”
Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict
“Most wars between individuals are of the 'cold' rather than the 'hot' variety---lingering resentment, for example, grudges long held, resources clutched rather than shared, help not offered. These are the acts of war that most threaten our homes and workplaces.”
Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict
“The more sure I am that I'm right, the more likely I will actually be mistaken. My need to be right makes it more likely that I will be wrong! Likewise, the more sure I am that I am mistreated, the more likely I am to miss ways that I am mistreating others myself. My need for justification obscures the truth.”
Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict
“So if we are going to find lasting solutions to difficult conflicts or external wars we find ourselves in, we first need to find our way out of the internal wars that are poisoning our thoughts, feelings, and attitudes toward others. If we can't put an end to the violence within us, there is no hope for putting an end to the violence without.”
Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict
“...when I betray myself, others' faults become immediately inflated in my heart and mind. I begin to 'horribilize' others. That is, I begin to make them out to be worse than they really are. And I do this because the worse they are, the more justified I feel.”
Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict
“Seeing an equal person as an inferior object is an act of violence”
Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict
“...no conflict can be solved so long as all parties are convinced they are right. Solution is possible only when at least one party begins to consider how he might be wrong.”
Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict
“Have you ever been in a conflict with someone who thought he was wrong. If you are not wrong, then you will be willing to consider how you might be mistaken.”
Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict
“In every moment...we choose to see others either as people like ourselves or as objects. They either count like we do or they don't.”
Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict
“Because if you are the mess, you can clean it. Improvement doesn't depend on others.”
Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict
“Bruises heal more quickly than emotional scars do.”
Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict
“A solution to the inner war solves the outer war as well.”
Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict
“always remember that it is progress, not perfection, you should be looking for.”
Arbinger Institute
“People whose hearts are at war toward others can't consider others' objections and challenges enough to be able to find a way through them.”
Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict
“As painful as it is to receive contempt from another, it is more debilitating by far to be filled with contempt for another.”
Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict
“...whenever i dehumanize another, I necessarily dehumanize all that is human---including myself.”
Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict
“If we have deep problems, it's because we are failing at the deepest part of the solution. And when we fail at this deepest level, we invite our own failure.”
Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict
“In the way we regard our children, our spouses, neighbors, colleagues, and strangers, we choose to see others either as people like ourselves or as objects.They either count like we do or they don't. In the former case we regard them as we regard ourselves, we say our hearts are at peace toward them. In the latter case, since we systematically view them as inferior, we say our hearts are at war.”
Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict
“But like many who are lonely, I was more preoccupied with others than were those who lived to socialize...Everyone I hated was always with me, even when I was alone. They had to be, for I had to remember what and why I hated in order to remind myself to stay away from them.”
Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict
“If you see people of a particular race or culture as objects, your view of them is racist, whatever your color or lack of color or you power or lack of power.”
Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict
“Most problems in life are not solved merely by correction.”
Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict
“If we are poor learners, our teaching will be ineffective.”
Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict
“Living the material Don’t try to be perfect. Do try to be better. Don’t use the vocabulary—“the box,” and so on—with people who don’t already know it. Do use the principles in your own life. Don’t look for others’ boxes. Do look for your own. Don’t accuse others of being in the box. Do try to stay out of the box yourself. Don’t give up on yourself when you”
Arbinger Institute, Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box
“discover you’ve been in the box. Do keep trying. Don’t deny that you’ve been in the box when you have been. Do apologize; then just keep marching forward, trying to be more helpful to others in the future. Don’t focus on what others are doing wrong. Do focus on what you can do right to help. Don’t worry whether others are helping you. Do worry whether you are helping others.”
Arbinger Institute, Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box
“... if I'm sure I'm right, there is little hope of seeing where I am failing. So I keep trying the same old things-”
Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict
“That’s right. The truth is, her faults seemed relevant to whether I should help her only after I failed to help her. I focused on and inflated her faults when I needed to feel justified for mine. After I betrayed myself, the truth was just the opposite of what I thought it was.”
Arbinger Institute, Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box
“Self-betrayal” 1. An act contrary to what I feel I should do for another is called an act of “self-betrayal.” 2. When I betray myself, I begin to see the world in a way that justifies my self-betrayal. 3. When I see the world in a self-justifying way, my view of reality becomes distorted. 4. So — when I betray myself, I enter the box.”
Arbinger Institute, Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box
“I saw in myself a leader who was so sure of the brilliance of his own ideas that he couldn’t allow brilliance in anyone else’s; a leader who felt he was so ‘enlightened’ that he needed to see workers negatively in order to prove his enlightenment; a leader so driven to be the best that he made sure no one else could be as good as he was.”
Arbinger Institute, Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box
“They’re all examples of self-betrayal — times when I had a sense of something I should do for others but didn’t do it.”
Arbinger Institute, Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box
“Kate’s story raises for me an astonishing point, Tom. And that is, when I’m in the box, I need people to cause trouble for me — I actually need problems.”
Arbinger Institute, Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box

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