P.G. Wodehouse > Quotes

“The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Very Good, Jeeves!

“There is no surer foundation for a beautiful friendship than a mutual taste in literature.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“Red hair, sir, in my opinion, is dangerous.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Very Good, Jeeves!

“He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“I'm not absolutely certain of the facts, but I rather fancy it's Shakespeare who says that it's always just when a fellow is feeling particularly braced with things in general that Fate sneaks up behind him with the bit of lead piping.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Carry On, Jeeves

“At the age of eleven or thereabouts women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he is lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in the later seventies. ”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“What ho!" I said.

"What ho!" said Motty.

"What ho! What ho!"

"What ho! What ho! What ho!"

After that it seemed rather difficult to go on with the conversation.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when". ”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“Everything in life that’s any fun, as somebody wisely observed, is either immoral, illegal or fattening.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“In a series of events, all of which had been a bit thick, this, in his opinion, achieved the maximum of thickness.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“I always advise people never to give advice.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself, 'Do trousers matter?'"

"The mood will pass, sir.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, The Code of the Woosters

“Freddie experienced the sort of abysmal soul-sadness which afflicts one of Tolstoy's Russian peasants when, after putting in a heavy day's work strangling his father, beating his wife, and dropping the baby into the city's reservoir, he turns to the cupboards, only to find the vodka bottle empty.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“I know I was writing stories when I was five. I don't know what I did before that. Just loafed, I suppose.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“He had the look of one who had drunk the cup of life and found a dead beetle at the bottom.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“A melancholy-looking man, he had the appearance of someone who had searched for the leak in life's gas pipe with a lighted candle.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“Mike nodded. A sombre nod. The nod Napoleon might have given if somebody had met him in 1812 and said, "So, you're back from Moscow, eh?”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“It was one of those parties where you cough twice before you speak and then decide not to say it after all.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“If he had a mind, there was something on it.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“You would not enjoy Nietzsche, sir. He is fundamentally unsound.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Carry On, Jeeves

“I am not always good and noble. I am the hero of this story, but I have my off moments.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Love Among the Chickens

“Unseen in the background, Fate was quietly slipping lead into the boxing-glove.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“A certain critic -- for such men, I regret to say, do exist -- made the nasty remark about my last novel that it contained 'all the old Wodehouse characters under different names.' He has probably by now been eaten by bears, like the children who made mock of the prophet Elisha: but if he still survives he will not be able to make a similar charge against Summer Lightning. With my superior intelligence, I have out-generalled the man this time by putting in all the old Wodehouse characters under the same names. Pretty silly it will make him feel, I rather fancy.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Summer Moonshine

“If there is one thing I dislike, it is the man who tries to air his grievances when I wish to air mine.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Love Among the Chickens

“The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“Marriage isn't a process of prolonging the life of love, but of mummifying the corpse.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“I pressed down the mental accelerator. The old lemon throbbed fiercely. I got an idea.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“I hadn't the heart to touch my breakfast. I told Jeeves to drink it himself.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“Chumps always make the best husbands. When you marry, Sally, grab a chump. Tap his head first, and if it rings solid, don't hesitate. All the unhappy marriages come from husbands having brains. What good are brains to a man? They only unsettle him.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Doctor Sally

“I just sit at my typewriter and curse a bit.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“It is no use telling me there are bad aunts and good aunts. At the core, they are all alike. Sooner or later, out pops the cloven hoof. ”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“Well, you know, there are limits to the sacred claims of friendship.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Carry On, Jeeves

“What's the use of a great city having temptations if fellows don't yield to them?”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Carry On, Jeeves

“As for Gussie Finknottle, many an experienced undertaker would have been deceived by his appearance and started embalming on sight.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“Lady Glossip: Mr. Wooster, how would you support a wife? Bertie Wooster: Well, I suppose it depends on who's wife it was, a little gentle pressure beneath the elbow while crossing a busy street usually fits the bill.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“Oh, Jeeves,' I said; 'about that check suit.'
Yes, sir?'
Is it really a frost?'
A trifle too bizarre, sir, in my opinion.'
But lots of fellows have asked me who my tailor is.'
Doubtless in order to avoid him, sir.'
He's supposed to be one of the best men in London.'
I am saying nothing against his moral character, sir.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“She looked away. Her attitude seemed to suggest that she had finished with him, and would be obliged if somebody would come and sweep him up.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“...it has been well said that it is precisely these moments when we are feeling that ours is the world and everything that's in it that Fate selects for sneaking up on us with the rock in the stocking.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“Cheer up, Crips, and keep smiling. That’s the thing to do. If you go through life with a smile on your face, you’ll be amazed how many people will come up to you and say ‘What the hell are you grinning about? What’s so funny?’ Make you a lot of new friends.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“I am Psmith," said the old Etonian reverently. "There is a preliminary P before the name. This, however, is silent. Like the tomb. Compare such words as ptarmigan, psalm, and phthisis.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Psmith, Journalist

“Warm-hearted! I should think he has to wear asbestos vests!”
― P.G. Wodehouse, The Inimitable Jeeves

“It is true of course, that I have a will of iron, but it can be switched off if the circumstances seem to demand it.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Jeeves in the Mornin

“I suppose he must have taken about a nine or something in hats. Shows what a rotten thing it is to let your brain develop too much.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, The Inimitable Jeeves

“Great pals we've always been. In fact there was a time when I had an idea I was in love with Cynthia. However, it blew over. A dashed pretty and lively and attractive girl, mind you, but full of ideals and all that. I may be wronging her, but I have an idea that she's the sort of girl who would want a fellow to carve out a career and what not. I know I've heard her speak favourably of Napoleon. So what with one thing and another the jolly old frenzy sort of petered out, and now we're just pals. I think she's a topper, and she thinks me next door to a looney, so everything's nice and matey.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“How anybody can compose a story by word of mouth face to face with a bored-looking secretary with a notebook is more than I can imagine. Yet many authors think nothing of saying, 'Ready, Miss Spelvin? Take dictation. Quote no comma Sir Jasper Murgatroyd comma close quotes comma said no better make it hissed Evangeline comma quote I would not marry you if you were the last person on earth period close quotes Quote well comma I'm not so the point does not arise comma close quotes replied Sir Jasper twirling his moustache cynically period And so the long day wore on period End of chapter.'

If I had to do that sort of thing I should be feeling all the time that the girl was saying to herself as she took it down, 'Well comma this beats me period How comma with homes for the feebleminded touting for custom on every side comma has a man like this succeeded in remaining at large mark of interrogation.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“I remember her telling me once that rabbits were the gnomes in attendance to the Fairy Queen and that the stars were God's daisy chain. Perfect rot, of course.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“Love is a delicate plant that needs constant tending and nurturing, and this cannot be done by snorting at the adored object like a gas explosion and calling her friends lice.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Jeeves and the Feudal Spirit