Craig Ferguson > Quotes

“If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.”
― Craig Ferguson

“The Universe is very, very big.
It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules.
Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever.
Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies.

Rule number two: Everything lasts forever.”
― Craig Ferguson, Between the Bridge and the River

“....maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun.”
― Craig Ferguson, American on Purpose: The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot

“I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.”
― Craig Ferguson

“If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love, there I said it!”
― Craig Ferguson

“You gotta laugh because if you didn't you'd cry”
― Craig Ferguson

“He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't.”
― Craig Ferguson, American on Purpose: The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot

“Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.”
― Craig Ferguson

“Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.”
― Craig Ferguson

“I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.”
― Craig Ferguson, American on Purpose: The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot

“Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands. ”
― Craig Ferguson

“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.”
― Craig Ferguson

“Alcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to me and it almost killed me and I haven't touched a drop of it in seventeen years, sometimes I wonder if I could get away with drinking some now. I totally subscribe to the notion that alcoholism is a mental illness because thinking like that is clearly insane.”
― Craig Ferguson, American on Purpose: The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot

“I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.”
― Craig Ferguson, American on Purpose: The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot

“If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.”
― Craig Ferguson

“I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.”
― Craig Ferguson

“I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.”
― Craig Ferguson

“Oprah's quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012”
― Craig Ferguson

“Be careful who you choose as your hero or who you choose to deify, be it Clay Aiken or Barack Obama. You put all you're hope and all your dreams and all your ideas about stuff into one human being. They're a human being they're going to let you down.

You can't make someone your hero because of something you read on the internet. The internet is not a source of information it is a source of disinformation.”
― Craig Ferguson

“Its hard to stay up. Its been a long long day
And you've got the sandman at your door.
But hang on, leave the TV on and lets do it anyway.
Its ok.
You can always sleep through work tomorrow. Ok?
Hey, Hey, Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.
Tell the clock on the wall, "Forget the wake up call."
Cause the night's not nearly through.
Wipe the sleep from your eyes. Give yourself a surprise.
Let your worries wait another day.
And if you stay too late at the bar,
At least you made it out this far.
So make up your mind and say, "Let's do it anyway!"
Its Ok
You can always sleep through work tomorrow, ok?
Hey, Hey, Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.
Life's too short to worry about
the things that you can live without
And I regret to say,
the morning light is hours away.
The world can be such a fright,
But it belongs to us tonight.
What's the point of going to bed?
You look so lovely when your eyes are red.
Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.”
― Craig Ferguson

“I'm always a bit shy around evil people...”
― Craig Ferguson, American on Purpose: The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot

“I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free! ”
― Craig Ferguson

“You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why,
Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass.”
― Craig Ferguson

“Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.”
― Craig Ferguson

“I've got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps.”
― Craig Ferguson

“Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.”
― Craig Ferguson

“It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.”
― Craig Ferguson

“I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't. ”
― Craig Ferguson

“I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.”
― Craig Ferguson

“Twas the night before Thanksgiving.
All the food's in the oven.
And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.”
― Craig Ferguson

“When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English.”
― Craig Ferguson

“Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.”
― Craig Ferguson, American on Purpose: The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot

“You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.”
― Craig Ferguson

“I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.”
― Craig Ferguson

“She still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy.

I do have a knack for finding great women.”
― Craig Ferguson, American on Purpose: The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot

“Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.”
― Craig Ferguson

“I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer -- I'm a dragon irritater.”
― Craig Ferguson

“Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else.”
― Craig Ferguson

“I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day.

Whoever I had become had to die.”
― Craig Ferguson, American on Purpose: The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot

“The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me.”
― Craig Ferguson

“It's a book. It's mine. And it's done.”
― Craig Ferguson

“Fraser's mother, Janice, was actually quite a happy soul but she had to hide it because, like all pseudo intellectuals, she thought being cheery made her look stupid, which of course she was for believing that rubbish in the first place.

She like to talk about Sartre sometimes, just as insurance.”
― Craig Ferguson, Between the Bridge and the River

“I think in our desire to create a better America,we have to have civilized debate in this country and not just yelling.”
― Craig Ferguson

“This book could scare them. The sex, the violence, the dream sequences and the iconoclasm - I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with that. I understand that. It was very uncomfortable to write some of it”
― Craig Ferguson

“On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn’t keep in touch. They’re probably taxi drivers and accountants by now.”
― Craig Ferguson, American on Purpose: The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot

“The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.”
― Craig Ferguson

“It 's the time of year when Canadians mate.”
― Craig Ferguson

“I told her that I didn't want to take any drugs. That I had come here not to take drugs.

"Listen," she said, not unkindly, "up until now I would say that ninety-nine percent of all the narcotics you have taken in your life you bought from guys you didn't know, in bathrooms or on street corners, something like that. Correct?"

I nodded.

"Well these guys could have been selling you salt or strychnine. They didn't care. They wanted your money. I don't care about your money, and, unlike your previous suppliers, I went to college to study just the right drugs to give to people like you in order to help you get better. So, bearing all that in mind ... Take the fucking drugs!"

I took the drugs.”
― Craig Ferguson, American on Purpose: The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot

“Gillette--The best a man can get."

I stared at the screen. What happened to me? I was meant to be one of those guys, vigorous and athletic and successful and, most of all, American. I was going to walk on the moon, be a movie star or a rock got or a comedian. I was going to have an amazing life and kids with Helen and die like Chaplin a thousand years from now in my Beverly Hills mansion surrounded by my adoring family, with the grieving world media standing by. Instead, I was just another show-business mediocrity. A drunk who shat his pants and ran for help.

My life had been careless and selfish. Pleasure in the moment was my only thought, my solitary motivation. I had disappointed whoever had been foolish enough to love me, and left them scarred.

I was a very long way from being the best a man can get.”
― Craig Ferguson, American on Purpose: The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot

“Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.”
― Craig Ferguson, American on Purpose: The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot