"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
— Steve Martin

"Some people have a way with words....some people....not have way."
— Steve Martin (Born Standing Up: A Comic's Life)

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
— Steve Martin

"I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot."
— Steve Martin

"Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything."
— Steve Martin

"It's pain that changes our lives."
— Steve Martin (Shopgirl: A Novella)

"Writers block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol."
— Steve Martin

"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks."
— Steve Martin

"... you're nuts but you're welcome here."
— Steve Martin

"I gave my cat a bath the other day...they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, if was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that..."
— Steve Martin

"We've had some fun tonight...considering we're all gonna die someday."
— Steve Martin

"Talking about music is like dancing about architecture."
— Steve Martin

"I saw the movie, 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' and was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. And then I realized why: they're crouching and hidden."
— Steve Martin

"If you've got a dollar and you spend 29 cents on a loaf of bread, you've got 71 cents left; But if you've got seventeen grand and you spend 29 cents on a loaf of bread, you've still got seventeen grand. There's a math lesson for you."
— Steve Martin

"I've heard lots of people lie to themselves but they never fool anyone."
— Steve Martin

"I understood that as much as I had resisted the outside, as much as I had constricted my life, as much as I had closed and narrowed the channels into me, there were still many takers for the quiet heart."
— Steve Martin (The Pleasure of My Company: A Novel)

"First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me."
— Steve Martin

"The operation was a success, but I'm afraid the doctor is dead."
— Steve Martin

"The banjo is such a happy instrument--you can't play a sad song on the banjo - it always comes out so cheerful."
— Steve Martin

"Through the years, I have learned there is no harm in charging oneself up with delusions between moments of valid inspiration."
— Steve Martin

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper."
— Steve Martin

"She has learned that her body is precious and it mustn't be offered carelessly ever again, as it holds a direct connection to her heart."
— Steve Martin (Shopgirl)

"It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arbitrary...but, on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch."
— Steve Martin

"I would assign every lie a color: yellow when they were innocent, pale blue when they sailed over you like the sky, red because I knew they drew blood. And then there was the black lie. That's the worst of all. A black lie was when I told you the truth. "
— Steve Martin

"You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither."
— Steve Martin

"A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair."
— Steve Martin

"Tina Fey: "It has been said that to write is to live forever."

Steve Martin: "The man who said that is dead."

Fey: "Yet, we all know the importance of writing, because every great movie begins with a great screenplay."

Martin: "Or, a very good idea for the poster. But usually, with a screenplay."

Fey: "And every writer starts with a blank page."

Martin: "And every blank page was once a tree."

Fey: "And every tree was once a tiny seed."

Martin: "And every tiny seed on Earth was placed here by the alien king Rondelay, to foster our titrates and fuel our positive transfers!"
"
— Steve Martin

"I have heard it said that a complicated childhood can lead to a life in the arts. I tell you this story of my father and me to let you know I am qualified to be a comedian."
— Steve Martin (Born Standing Up: A Comic's Life)

"Were they beautiful? We were all beautiful. We were in our twenties."
— Steve Martin

"[her] mind blackens. The blackness is not a thought, but if it could be pressed into a thought, if a chemical from a dropper could be dripped onto it causing its color and essence to become visible, it would take the shape of this sentence: Why does no one want me?"
— Steve Martin (Shopgirl: A Novella)

"...it is not the big events that hurt the most but rather the smallest questionable shift in tone at the end of a spoken word that can plow most deeply into the heart."
— Steve Martin (Shopgirl: A Novella)

"I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't."
— Steve Martin

"How is it possible to miss a woman whom you kept at a distance, so that when she was gone you would not miss her?"
— Steve Martin (Shopgirl: A Novella)

"Scientists at first were skeptical that a kitten-type being could exist in the rare Martian atmosphere. As a test, two Earth kittens were put in a chamber that simulated the Martian air. The diary of this experiment is fascinating:

6:00 A.M.: Kittens appear to sleep.
7:02 A.M.: Kitten wakes, darts from one end of cage to another for no apparent reason.

7:14 A.M.: Kitten runs up wall of cage, leaps onto other kitten for no apparent reason.

7:22 A.M.: Kitten lies on back and punches other kitten for no apparent reason.

7:30 A.M.: Kitten leaps, stops, darts left, abruptly stops, climbs wall, clings for two seconds, falls on head, darts right for no apparent reason.

7:51 A.M.: Kitten parses first sentence of daily newspaper that is at bottom of chamber.

With the exception of the parsing, all behavior is typical of Earth kitten behavior. The parsing activity, which was done with a small ball-point pen, was an anomaly."
— Steve Martin (Pure Drivel)

"A girl who is willing to give every ounce of herself to someone, who could never betray her lover, who never suspects maliciousness of anyone, and whose sexuality sleeps in her, waiting to be stirred."
— Steve Martin (Shopgirl: A Novella)

"The self-prepared dinner is a great time killer for lonely people and as much time should be spent on it as possible."
— Steve Martin (Shopgirl)

"LOVE IN THE TIME OF CHOLERA: WHY IT'S A BAD TITLE

I admit that "Love in the time of . . ." is a great title, up to a point. You're reading along, you're happy, it's about love. I like the way the word time comes in - a nice, nice feeling. Then the morbid Cholera appears. I was happy till then. Why not "Love in the Time of the Blue, Blue, Bluebirds"? "Love in the Time of Oozing Sores and Pustules" is probably an earlier title the author used as he was writing in a rat-infested tree house on an old Smith Corona. This writer, whoever he is, could have used a couple of weeks in Pacific Daylight Time."
— Steve Martin (Pure Drivel)

"She tried to get even with him through psychological warfare but couldn't, because he didn't care."
— Steve Martin (Shopgirl: A Novella)

"Why sip from a tea cup, when you can drink from the river."
— Steve Martin (L.A. Story and Roxanne: Two Screenplays)

"Unlike Ray Porter, his love is fearless and without reservation."
— Steve Martin (Shopgirl)

"Yeah, well, we're all writers, aren't we? He's a writer that hasn't been published, and I'm a writer who hasn't written anything."
— Steve Martin (Picasso at the Lapin Agile and Other Plays : Picasso at the LapinAgile, the Zig-Zag Woman, Patter for a Floating Lady, WASP)

"Only then does he realize what he has done to Mirabelle, how wanting a square inch of her and not all of her has damaged them both, and how he cannot justify his actions except that, well, it was life."
— Steve Martin (Shopgirl: A Novella)

"My most persistent memory of stand - up is of my mouth being in the present and my mind being in the future: the mouth speaking the line, the body delivering the gesture, while the mind looks back, observing, analyzing, judging, worrying, and then deciding when and what to say next. Enjoyment while performing was rare - enjoyment would have been an indulgent loss of focus that comedy cannot afford."
— Steve Martin (Born Standing Up: A Comic's Life)

"A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair."
— Steve Martin

""Or is it that I think too much?"

(from The Pleasure of My Company)"
— Steve Martin

"She was feeling her bohemian oats."
— Steve Martin (Shopgirl: A Novella)

"Anyway, seeking work is a tad difficult given the poor design of the streets with their prohibitive curbs and driveways that don't quite line up."
— Steve Martin (The Pleasure of My Company: A Novel)

"Hello. I'm hello, and I'd like to say myself."
— Steve Martin

"Somewhere in the world is...The world's worst doctor and he could be yours."
— Steve Martin

"...the divided world of Aspen, where locals with a sense of entitlement were pitted against developers with a sense of condominiums."
— Steve Martin