Stephen Colbert > Quotes

“If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.”
― Stephen Colbert

“Agnostics are just atheists without balls.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying “yes” begins things. Saying “yes” is how things grow. Saying “yes” leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say “yes'.”
― Stephen Colbert

“If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.”
― Stephen Colbert

“If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.”
― Stephen Colbert

“Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody's high!”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“Equations are the devil's sentences.”
― Stephen Colbert

“There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.”
― Stephen Colbert

“All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.”
― Stephen Colbert

“They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.”
― Stephen Colbert

“Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.”
― Stephen Colbert

“Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult:If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.”
― Stephen Colbert

“Baby carrots are making me gay.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.”
― Stephen Colbert

“A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?”
― Stephen Colbert

“I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.”
― Stephen Colbert

“(on fox news).... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news.”
― Stephen Colbert

“Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.”
― Stephen Colbert

“The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.”
― Stephen Colbert

“If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable.”
― Stephen Colbert

“Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash.
(Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)”
― Stephen Colbert

“Clearly, America has no shortage of metephorical opportunities for the poor.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear”
― Stephen Colbert

“I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.”
― Stephen Colbert

“You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day?”
― Stephen Colbert

“I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticisn about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.”
― Stephen Colbert

“So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.”
― Stephen Colbert

“The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.”
― Stephen Colbert

“Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.”
― Stephen Colbert

“I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.”
― Stephen Colbert

“Researchers from Britain's Keele University have found that swearing after an injury may help alleviate pain. Evidently, the pain that you feel is inversely proportional to the number of middle names you give Jesus.”
― Stephen Colbert

“Knock Knock. Who's there? The Truth. No joke.”
― Stephen Colbert

“I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.”
― Stephen Colbert

“What's the worst that can happen? A tidal wave? Glaciers with guns?”
― Stephen Colbert

“Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us.”
― Stephen Colbert

“it's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.”
― Stephen Colbert

“Do you know what I like about comedy? You can’t laugh and be afraid at the same time—of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.”
― Stephen Colbert

“Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state
that makes people want to flee the Earth?"

- Stephen Colbert to Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones,
"The Colbert Report," November 3, 2005”
― Stephen Colbert

“The more you know, the sadder you get.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.”
― Stephen Colbert

“I like the fact of John McCain's head being severed. Like that it will fit so much more nicely up George Bush's butt!”
― Stephen Colbert

“I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of.”
― Stephen Colbert

“Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.”
― Stephen Colbert

“I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory”
― Stephen Colbert

“Oliver Cromwell can kiss my singing emerald scrotum!”
― Stephen Colbert

“Here's how it works: the president
makes decisions. He's the decider.
The press secretary announces those
decisions, and you people of the press
type those decisions down. Make,
announce, type. Just put 'em through
a spell check and go home. The greatest
thing about this man is he's steady.
You know where he stands. He believes
the same thing Wednesday that he believed
on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday.
Events can change; this man's beliefs never will.”
― Stephen Colbert