Tucker Max > Quotes

“Ladies, let me give you some advice. You can throw all your stupid fucking chick-lit, self-help, why-doesn't-he-love-me books out, because this is all you need to know: Men will treat you the way you let them. There is no such thing as "deserving" respect; you get what you demand from people.. if you demand respect, he will either respect you or he won't associate with you. It really is that simple.”
― Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

“Men will treat you the way you let them. There is no such thing as 'deserving' respect; you get what you demand from people.”
― Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

“8:58 We go to McDonald's. The woman in front of me in line spends more than five seconds contemplating her order. This infuriates me, "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?? MC-SEABASS?? IT'S THE GODDAMN MCDONALDS'S MENU, IT'S BEEN THE SAME FOR TEN YEARS! IT'S ALL MCSHIT!JUST ORDER!”
― Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

“I stop paying attention because as much as I love beauty, I hate stupidity, and seeing the two combined pisses me off.”
― Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

“Two girls called me closed minded. I tell them that they are so open-minded their brains leaked out.”
― Tucker Max

“I find it truly appalling that there are people in the world like you. You are a disgusting, vile, repulsive, repugnant, foul creature. Because of you, I don't believe in God anymore. No just God would allow someone like you to exist. (Quoting feedback from a reader)”
― Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

“My favorite random email I got was from some guy who wrote: "Mr. Max, with the hope of a six year old on the night before Christmas asking about Santa, I ask the same question: Do you really exist?”
― Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

“She is trying to convince me that she never does this and is not that type of girl. It was difficult for me to understand. Her enunciation wasn’t very good with my dick in her mouth.”
― Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

“You look like the type of people who would criticize a misspelling in a suicide note.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“Random Girl after a hookup: "Do you love me"
Tucker: "I don't understand the question.”
― Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

“Girl3 "You don't have to be a jerk"
SlingBlade "Quite the contrary, my sloppy penile scholar.Order me another drink and be quick about it.”
― Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

“I hadn't realized how supremely shit-housed I was until we stumbled into our room at the Embassy Suites. You ever been so drunk you forgot that you have to shit until the last minute? Well I was at that stage. I nearly had my pants completely off when SlingBlade snaked past me and got into the toilet first. Fine, I go get out of my bar clothes and change into a t-shirt and pink Gap boxers to sleep in. I wait patiently for about three minutes, then I start pounding on the door, screaming at him that I am going to shit on his bed if he doesn't get out of there.

A short time later he opens the door laughing his ass off, and says, "That was perhaps the most prodigious shit ever. I just put that toilet into therapy."

I take a gander into the bathroom. It looks like Revelations. The toilet is overflowing, brown shit water is spilling out all over the bathroom floor, and the tank is making demonic gurgling noises.

THE MOTHERFUCKER CLOGGED UP A HOTEL TOILET!

Hotel toilets are industrial size; they are designed to be able to accommodate repeated elephant-sized shits, and their ram-jet engine flushes generate enough force to suck down a human infant, yet skinny ass 170-pound SlingBlade completely killed ours.”
― Tucker Max

“FK THAT. I AM TUCKER MAX. I AM BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU.”
― Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

“I could never kill myself. What if it doesn't work. Then I'll have failed at the only thing that could save me from my failures. Where do you go from there?”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“I’ve heard 14 year old meth addicted thai prostitutes say more prescient things than the woman that was supposedly a “professor”
― Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

“I'm fresh out of fucks to give.”
― Tucker Max

“Look, I know everything is shitty right now, but if you don't stop acting like such a bitch, someobes gonna fuck that pussy on your face.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“Motherfucker. She leaves me no choice. Now I have to break her self-esteem, sleep with her and steal the shirt.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“WAKE UP! WE'RE LATE FOR DRINKING!!”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“The general intellectual level of South Florida is somewhere just above "functionally retarded".”
― Tucker Max

“People, heed my warning: That stuff is Specials Olympics in a pint glass. You think they are harmless and not very strong, and the next thing you know it is an hour later and you are in the bathroom of the bar with your pants off, surrounded by five girls, giving your boxers to a bachelorette party because one of the girls is cute and told you that you had a nice butt. Be forewarned.
- from the Austin Road Trip story”
― Tucker Max

“His first question shows how well he knows me:
TheRoommate: "Did you take any money out of her purse?”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“5:16 I shotgun two beers, piss out the bedroom window, catcall passing girls, burp violently, put cage fighting on tv, play with myself. I feel manly again.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“I take a lull from my CamelBak and choke at its potency. It takes like bad decisions. It's perfect.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“One of us needs to get laid."
"Just one of us?"
"What are the odds of both of us getting laid?”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“I masterbate in the shower. My action figures judge me. Especially the Justice League.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“credit, youre jewish, your best friend is black, and your girlfriend is a cheating whore. Even if I wore gay, I'd still have it better than you.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“FUCK. This is not good. I'm allergic to whiskey. I think maybe I should explain this to her, and request a different alcohol. Then I remember that I am awesome. Even fighting through anaphylactic shock, I can STILL bury this emotionally unstable, bulimic undergrad.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“I feel like taking her money AND her soul is not cool. One or the other.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“Gotta love alcohol and sex hormones.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“I wish I could bottle the seductive look she gave me so I could sniff it when I jack off.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“You play crotch roulette, you're gonna hit double zero once in a while.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“5:15 I have never put makeup on. It's hard. "You assholes are crowding my mirror space. Gimme some room, I keep smearing my blush." Everyone's glares at me. I feel like a gay homosexual.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First