Howard Tayler > Quotes

“Maxim eighteen: If the officers are leading from in front, watch out for an attack from the rear.
-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries”
― Howard Tayler

“Maxim four: An ordnance technician at a dead run outranks everybody.
-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries”
― Howard Tayler

“What do you think? Overkill?

I don't believe there is any such thing.
But in this case, 'yes, overkill.'
-Sergeant Schlock & Petey”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: The Teraport Wars

“Judging by the sounds of general panic, I want a gun like that.
-Sergeant Schlock”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: Under New Management

“Maxim ten: Sometimes the only way out is through... Through the hull.
-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries”
― Howard Tayler

“Maxim twenty-nine: The enemy of my enemy is my enemy's enemy. No more. No less.
-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries”
― Howard Tayler

“Where's your sense of adventure?

It died under mysterious circumstances. My sense of self-preservation found the body, but assures me it has an airtight alibi.
-Captain Tagon & Captain Andreyasn”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: Resident Mad Scientist

“Maxim thirty-seven: There is no overkill. There is only open fire and time to reload.
-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries”
― Howard Tayler

“Spy' is such a short ugly word. I prefer 'espionage.' Those extra three syllables really say something.
-Petey”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: Emperor Pius Dei

“New orders: Make sure everybody who doesn't want to live here is aboard in five minutes. We are leaving.
-Captain Kevyn Andreyasn”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: Resident Mad Scientist

“The way you blunder from one catastrophe to the next, it's a wonder the whole galaxy doesn't hate you.

The galaxy is a big place, General. You provincial military types don't get far enough out to really see that.
-General Tagon & Captain Kevyn Andreyasn”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: Resident Mad Scientist

“Hi. I'm here to enlist.

You can't. You aren't human.
You see, little fella, we don't do sociological stuff like "interspeciated workplaces." We're a crack company of space mercenaries. We do "hurting people" and "breaking things."

Sounds like my kind of fun.
-Schlock & Lieutenant Der Trihs”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: The Tub of Happiness

“The Tausennigan Ob'enn warlords look like cuddly teddy-bears?

Yes, they do, and they'd cheerfully exterminate your entire race for making that observation!

I guess that explains their rich military history, then.
-Ennesbey & Petey”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: The Tub of Happiness

“Oh, that's great. That way, when things have quieted down, and we come up for air, or money, or re-supply, we'll get a nice explosive package from him that says "so nice to see you again" in a way that only multi-megaton yields can.
-Captain Tagon”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: Under New Management

“Right now I've got just two rules to live by.

Rule one: don't taunt elephants.
Rule two: don't stand next to anybody who taunts elephants.
-Sergeant Schlock”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: The Tub of Happiness

“Kevyn, I'm promoting you from Tech Sergeant to Munitions Commander. I want you to take responsibility for all Company weapons.

Munitions Commander? Why me?

I don't know. Call it "suspicion of extreme competence" on my part.
-Captain Tagon & Commander Kevyn Andreyasn”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: The Tub of Happiness

“Maxim one: Pillage, then burn.
-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries”
― Howard Tayler

“Maxim eight: Mockery and derision have their place. Usually, it's on the far side of the airlock.
-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries”
― Howard Tayler

“Maxim eleven: Everything is air-droppable at least once.
-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries”
― Howard Tayler

“Maxim thirty: A little trust goes a long way. The less you use, the further you'll go.
-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries”
― Howard Tayler

“Maxim thirty-four: If you're leaving scorch-marks, you need a bigger gun.
-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries”
― Howard Tayler

“We either need an overwhelming force advantage, or we need more information.

Reinforcements cut into our bounty, remember?

It's unanimous. We need more information.
-Captain Tagon and Colonel Ceeta”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: The Blackness Between

“Kevyn, Ennesby tells me you are building a time machine.

Actually I'm finished.

In one afternoon? Wow... Does it work?

After a fashion.

...

I put a whole lot of energy into it, and the next thing I knew it was time for dinner.
-Captain Tagon & Commander Andreyasn”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: The Tub of Happiness

“Maxim twenty-eight: If the price of collateral damage is high enough, you might be able to get paid for bringing ammunition home with you.
-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries”
― Howard Tayler

“How many words are you having trouble with, sir?

Just the ones that I've highlighted.

I count at least a dozen, and I haven't gotten out of the first paragraph.

That's as far as I got, too. I'm not sure you and I speak the same language.
-Lieutenant Massey Reynstein & Captain Tagon”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: Emperor Pius Dei

“This document outlines our plan to perpetrate insurance fraud, insider trading, and character assassination.
...hopefully tripling our paycheck on this job.

Okay, see? Those words I understand just fine. Use them more often.
-Lieutenant Massey Reynstein & Captain Tagon”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: Emperor Pius Dei

“Is it really 'pro bono' if a lawyer takes your case in exchange for explosives?
-Captain Hartung”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: Emperor Pius Dei

“The spirit of the law is the least of the things we're prepared to violate.
-Sergeant Schlock”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: The Tub of Happiness

“Maxim twenty: If you’re not willing to shell your own position, you’re not willing to win.
-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries”
― Howard Tayler

“When the enemy of my enemy is willing to use plasma weapons inside a hotel, I think I can do better than stupid aphorisms, General.
-Captain Kevyn Andreyasn”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: Resident Mad Scientist

“Ennesby, get the Serial Peacemaker to the beach for dustoff.

Dustoff? You're going to run away from three guys?

No, I'm going to kill or capture those three guys, and then run away from the Police.
-Captain Kevyn Andreyasn & General Tagon”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: Resident Mad Scientist

“Air traffic control is going to have a steamy old fit on your dime, boy.

They can get in line behind the police, the people whose cars we trashed, the Empire of Ob'enn, the Partnership Collective, and the Wormgate Corporation. Oh, and I think maybe some dark matter beasties from Andromeda.

You "think maybe"?
-General Tagon & Captain Andreyasn”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: Resident Mad Scientist

“Bring the prisoners with you, and meet me on the beach.

You know, wide open spaces aren't the best places for interrogation.

No, but they're great places for landing warships.
-Captain Andreyasn & General Tagon”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: Resident Mad Scientist

“Being a mercenary, though... Hey, we just go wherever there's a mixture of money and trouble, and everyone in the galaxy is a potential customer.

Even the people you're paid to shoot at?

Well, yeah. There are customers we serve, and customers we service.
-Captain Kevyn Andreyasn & General Tagon”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: Resident Mad Scientist

“There are customers we serve, and customers we service.
-Captain Andreyasn”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: Resident Mad Scientist

“So you're a fellow mercenary, then.

Does this mean you'll afford me some professional courtesy?

Don't ask for that. All it means is that you might get to face the person who kills you. . . But only if it's convenient.
-Elf, Glamour Assault Host, & Doctor Bunnigus”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: Emperor Pius Dei

“They're holding flushes of face cards, and I think we're the pot.
-Ennesby”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: Emperor Pius Dei

“Are you guys really arguing over where to eat dinner?

It's one of the more savage tools in the diplomatic arsenal.
-Colonel Kerchak & Ambassador Breya Andreyasn”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: Emperor Pius Dei

“Captain, you have heard the charges. How do you plead? Before you answer, you should know that if you plead "guilty" you'll be immediately extradited and U.N.S. law will take over.

Not guilty.

Also, it's not very nice to lie in court.

But it beats extradition.
-Petey & Captain Tagon”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: Emperor Pius Dei

“You know. . . Confessing to avoid prosecution is a time-honored strategy.

I don't want to be honored with time. Honor me with "slap-on-the-wrist," or maybe even "scot free."
-Lieutenant Massey Reynstein & Captain Tagon”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: Emperor Pius Dei

“As long as we only have to lie to the enemy, it's honest enough for me.
-Captain Tagon”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: Emperor Pius Dei

“Do me a favor, doc?"

"Anything, Captain."

"Stop italicizing the word 'Captain' when you say it."

"Go easy on the fourth wall there, sir."
-Captain Andreyasn & Doctor Bunnigus”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: Resident Mad Scientist

“AAAAIIIE!

You're the guy with the things, and the thing that does that thing, and then you did that one thing!

Oh, and I think there's something about other things, and maybe you fix things?
-Sergeant Schlock”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: Resident Mad Scientist

“When I find the guy who torched that forest, I'm going to eat him. And I'm only going to half-cook him first.
-Sergeant Schlock”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: The Teraport Wars

“We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Cross it? I'm making plans to destroy the bridge from orbit.
-Colonel Ceeta & Captain Tagon”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: Under New Management

“Ow. Stop that. It hurts my brain.

Isn't your brain distributed through your entire body?

See why I want you to stop with the doublethink?
-Sergeant Schlock & Captain Tagon”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: Resident Mad Scientist

“Welcome to your new bodies, gentlemen. If you'd like, I can help you start your owm 'dysmorphia is all in your head' support group.
-Doctor Bunnigus”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: The Tub of Happiness

“Are you done briefing the company yet?

We, um... Haven't gotten through the introductions yet.

Allow me: Time-traveling Kevyn Andreyasn, this is the mercenary company "Tagon's Toughs."
Company, this is the time-traveling Kevyn Andreyasn, who will have become your captain thirty-two hours from now, as of seven weeks ago.
Now, quick. Let's go save the galazy while they're confused.
-Petey & Captain Andreyasn”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: Resident Mad Scientist

“That's odd. It looks almost as if Nick is picking a fight with that elephant.

Well, the elephant started it.

That's irrelevant.
Fighting with civilians is against the rules.
Go break it up.
-Admiral Breya Andreyasn & Sergeant Schlock”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: The Tub of Happiness

“No! Wait! I've got a better idea...

Your ideas tend to result in unnecessary violence, Sergeant Scholck.

And your point is...

Let's broaden the definition of "necessary."
-Sergeant Schlock & Captain Tagon”
― Howard Tayler, Schlock Mercenary: The Tub of Happiness