quotes by Laurie Notaro

"It's okay," my husband said, shuffling toward his study. "I bought an electric-powered chain saw with a plug-in cord so if I run away fast enough, you can only chase me so far."
— Laurie Notaro (I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies): True Tales of a Loudmouth Girl)

"Hadn't one of my all-time favorite reveries been to become a cranky hermit, live unperturbed in my house, and have things brought to me like a monarch or tribal lord?"
— Laurie Notaro

""Have you ever held a gun before?" the lady whom I was meeting with asked me.
"No, n,: I siad with a little nervous laugh, feeling a little underqualified for the job. "My family were staunch believers in physical violence, not automatic violence, and we had a Safeway around the corner, so we never really needed to kill anything.""
— Laurie Notaro (I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies): True Tales of a Loudmouth Girl)

"...Everyone knows there's only one thing less welcome on a stage than a mime, and that's a clown, because everyone knows that clowns eat people."
— Laurie Notaro (There's a (Slight) Chance I Might Be Going to Hell: A Novel of Sewer Pipes, Pageant Queens, and Big Trouble)

""Books are to me as homemade tattoos are to an inmate. Can't get enough of them.""
— Laurie Notaro (I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies): True Tales of a Loudmouth Girl)

"I want a man as nice as my retarded dog, but one that doesn't crap on the floor."
— Laurie Notaro (The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club: True Tales from a Magnificent and Clumsy Life)

"Goddamnit I've never been the "pretty friend..." She's the one who wears the perfect eyeliner, it never gathers like a crowd in her tear ducts to create a grapefruit-size ebony eye booger. The one who can wear a bodysuit, sit down in it, and not have rolls of fat cascading over her belt. The one who can eat a sandwich or hamburger and not wind up with lipstick on the bun or on her chin. The one who can actually eat in front of other people and not have food, like coleslaw, hanging from her lip or shooting out of her mouth, landing on the plates of other diners. She never spits when she talks. She sleeps with her mouth shut and never drools. She doesn't pick at her face. And she never, ever has to take a shit."
— Laurie Notaro (The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club: True Tales from a Magnificent and Clumsy Life)

"knock, knock.
who's there?
it's cancer.
cancer who?
cancer of the section right behind your belly button that you have been trying to pass off as the pinch of ovulation. but it's not. it's cancer. it's me."
— Laurie Notaro (I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies): True Tales of a Loudmouth Girl)

"Small towns are sometimes like that; familiarity runs high, while regard for personal space is low, if nonexistent."
— Laurie Notaro (There's a (Slight) Chance I Might Be Going to Hell: A Novel of Sewer Pipes, Pageant Queens, and Big Trouble)

"There are things running around out there with uteruses,son. You're going to need this."
— Laurie Notaro

"So I graduated from college with a degree in journalism and was ready to find my dream job at a newspaper in addition to one good man who owned his own car and was certain about his sexuality, my two new, revised qualifying criteria for a potential date."
— Laurie Notaro (Autobiography of a Fat Bride: True Tales of a Pretend Adulthood)

"I need to learn to recognize and identify these danger signs when I see them, and not brush them off as "eccentricities," "lovable oddities," or "a sign that he s crying out for help and the comforting of a codependent nurturer that only I, Princess Enabler, can provide. Bad boyfriends don't disguise themselves; their girlfriends do it for them. "
— Laurie Notaro (Autobiography of a Fat Bride: True Tales of a Pretend Adulthood)

"Oh boy. Too drunk to hold on to a whiskey and Coke and the word "pretty." That's not a combination with a positive outcome. Not good at all. That's the secret password that usually leaves me trying to find a ride home in the morning."
— Laurie Notaro (Autobiography of a Fat Bride: True Tales of a Pretend Adulthood)

"I looked around. This house only the night before had been a home, and serves as a storage locker for memories that I could barely remember and a bunch of things I'd rather forget."
— Laurie Notaro (Autobiography of a Fat Bride: True Tales of a Pretend Adulthood)

""You are basically a flophouse and a pimp away from Pepcid rehab, you know that?" I informed Nana."
— Laurie Notaro (Autobiography of a Fat Bride: True Tales of a Pretend Adulthood)