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Rick Gualtieri quotes (showing 1-27 of 27)

“I'm surprised you're not freaking."
"I don't freak'" he said bluntly.
"You kinda did when I burst into flames earlier."
"You caught me by surprise. Next time, I'll just whip out the marshmallows.”
Rick Gualtieri, Bill The Vampire
“This was shaping up to be the worst conference call of my life, even worse than that time I accidentally clogged the school toilet back in the first grade with my Boba Fett figure (I was pretending it was the Sarlaac pit).”
Rick Gualtieri, Holier Than Thou
“My plan is a lot like anyone else's. Maximize my good times, minimize my bad, and leave the larger stuff to people who give more of a shit than I do.”
Rick Gualtieri, Bill The Vampire
“when life decides to kick you in the balls, it sometimes wears metal cleats.”
Rick Gualtieri, The Mourning Woods
“Despite what many of us might fantasize, one does not typically pick up a sword and immediately become Conan the Barbarian. “Go”
Rick Gualtieri, Holier Than Thou
“I don't think one need have the entire series of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on blu-ray (it was a gift) to figure out what had just happened.”
Rick Gualtieri, The Tome of Bill - Volume 1
“Just for the record, should you ever find yourself in a similar scenario, the middle of a monologue is the perfect time to send your free fist smashing into the bad guy's crotch.”
Rick Gualtieri, The Tome of Bill - Volume 1
“him. Instead, I lapsed into a quick retelling of where I’d been and what had happened. As I did, my eyes crept over to the clock on the wall.”
Rick Gualtieri, Goddamned Freaky Monsters
“Blessing? I'm not a homophobe or anything, but that sounded just a little too much like a line from this bukake film I sorta accidentally downloaded the other week.”
Rick Gualtieri, The Tome of Bill - Volume 1
“Vampire society is often times little better than a caste system. There are leaders, soldiers, and then there are the rest - those who are little more than shit upon the boot heels of the masters. Most”
Rick Gualtieri, Sunset Strip: A Tale From The Tome Of Bill
“That being said, getting thrown to crash into, and sometimes through, solid objects was becoming a disturbingly common occurrence in my life as of late. Considering the overall painfulness of such experiences, I was beginning to find myself oddly nostalgic about just having my underwear bunched up my ass by some prankster.”
Rick Gualtieri, Scary Dead Things
“thinking something else was a myth...that's a good one)”
Rick Gualtieri, Bill The Vampire
“Does everything with your kind have to end in a death threat?” I shrugged nonchalantly. “It’s what we do.” “Very”
Rick Gualtieri, Sunset Strip: A Tale From The Tome Of Bill
“Samuel leapt at me, no doubt going for the kill. Well, okay, maybe that’s a bit obvious. After all, you typically don’t fling yourself through the air at people you’re having a polite conversation with.”
Rick Gualtieri, Scary Dead Things
“I will admit a small part of me was disappointed. Every single zombie movie I’ve ever seen has had one thing in common: when the decaying hordes of the undead attack, they do so in massive numbers. I mean, outside of the stupid trend in the past couple of years of sprinting zombies, the whole concept is that they swarm you like fire ants. Otherwise, you could easily avoid them with a brisk walk.”
Rick Gualtieri, Goddamned Freaky Monsters
“I'm surprised you're not freaking.” “I don't freak,” he said bluntly. “You kinda did when I burst into flames earlier.” “You caught me by surprise. Next time, I'll just whip out the marshmallows.”
Rick Gualtieri, The Tome of Bill - Volume 1
“Unless I was seriously hallucinating, I've seen enough movies to know that I was most likely going to wake up with a serious overbite and a hankering for a hunk of blood. Oh, well, as long as I wasn't also all sparkly, because that would just be fucking weird.”
Rick Gualtieri, The Tome of Bill - Volume 1
“Ed shook his head. “No. I don’t think so. That would be a waste of some perfectly good ass. They're too rare (at least in our apartment) to kill. You don't hunt endangered species. Killing a hot chick would be like clubbing a baby seal. Not cool.” Damn, he had me there. Score one for logic.”
Rick Gualtieri, The Tome of Bill - Volume 1
“People tended to get too nostalgic for such things, not realizing that there is very limited pride to be had in torturing oneself just for the sake of doing so.”
Rick Gualtieri, Goddamned Freaky Monsters
“Oh, sweet merciful God, no! My hand was stuck in Turd’s ass!”
Rick Gualtieri, The Wicked Dead
“So, I'm shit out of luck and get to spend eternity sticking out like a sore thumb.” “Yeah, but that might not be a bad thing.” “This phrase you say, I do not think it means what you think it does.”
Rick Gualtieri, The Tome of Bill - Volume 1
“Then there are the rest of us. Some are lucky in that they never meet that special one. It sucks, I’m sure, but probably not as much as meeting them, realizing it, and then fucking it up somehow. Sometimes the timing isn’t right, sometimes people are too stupid to make a move when the opportunity presents itself,”
Rick Gualtieri, Holier Than Thou
“A true friend knows when someone needs their space and gives it to them. However, a true friend also watches the other person’s back, even when they don’t want them to.”
Rick Gualtieri, The Wicked Dead
“You were...(God, please give me the strength to not say it)...disarmed.” (Thanks for nothing, God)”
Rick Gualtieri, The Tome of Bill - Volume 1
“People who crack wise tend to cause just as much laughter as abject anger.”
Rick Gualtieri, The Tome of Bill - Volume 1
“Normally I would have picked that moment to dive into an unoccupied cubicle; however, I had changed too. With the fate of the world resting upon my shoulders, the very least I could do was stand my ground and say “hi.”
Rick Gualtieri, The Tome of Bill - Volume 1
“Oh, well, as long as I wasn't also all sparkly, because that would just be fucking weird.”
Rick Gualtieri, Bill The Vampire


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