"Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake."
— Jon Stewart

"I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days."
— Jon Stewart

"Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion."
— Jon Stewart

"Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively."
— Jon Stewart

"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land."
— Jon Stewart

"You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena."
— Jon Stewart

"If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us? "
— Jon Stewart

"If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American -- our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that."
— Jon Stewart

"I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character."
— Jon Stewart

"If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies."
— Jon Stewart

"If "con" is the opposite of pro, then isn't Congress the opposite of progress? Or did we just fucking blow your mind?!?"
— Jon Stewart (The Daily Show with Jon Stewart Presents America)

"Insomnia is my greatest inspiration."
— Jon Stewart

"Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car."
— Jon Stewart

"Here’s how bizarre the war is that we’re in in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn’t want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass."
— Jon Stewart

""By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.""
— Jon Stewart

"Thomas Jefferson once said: 'Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their leader. All you have to do is tell them they're being attacked and denounce the pacifists for somehow a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.' I think that was Jefferson. Oh wait. That was Hermann Goering. Shoot."
— Jon Stewart

"Why did the Articles [of Confederation] fail so completely? Most historians believe the founding fathers spent a great deal of their first constitutional convention drafting the delaration of independence and only realized on July 3rd the Articles were also due."
— Jon Stewart (The Daily Show with Jon Stewart Presents America)

"Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him."
— Jon Stewart

"So, is there hope for a truly democratic Africa? Long answer: Only if continent-wide improvements in education, human rights and public health are coupled with an aggressive and far-sighted debt-relief program that breaks the cycle of subsistence farming and urban squalor. Short answer: No."
— Jon Stewart (The Daily Show with Jon Stewart Presents America)

"To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak."
— Jon Stewart

""Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out.
I know what's wrong with what we've done in Iraq.
We've been following time as it goes forward.
What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre-9-11.""
— Jon Stewart

"I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her."
— Jon Stewart

""It's like hunting cows""
— Jon Stewart

"Cause if there's one thing Islamic terrorists don't have is....(seriously thinking about it)....%#@&!"
— Jon Stewart

"Why would these English explorers search for these spices, yet never use them in their food? --7/14/09 interview with Peter Mancall, author of Fatal Journey"
— Jon Stewart