Mark Leyner > Quotes

“Do it, my fellow Americans! Do it for every adolescent
anomic skank genius cloistered in his room, getting cranked,
rabidly humping his sampler as he confects some heretical,
monstrous persona for himself and dreams of an orgiastic,
blood-soaked apocalypse. Yes, the /impudence!/ We have
/nothing/ in this life of suffocating obligation but our
own motherfucking impudence! For God's sake, give us this
day our motherfucking big-dick impudence!!”
― Mark Leyner, The Tetherballs of Bougainville

“Yo! You’re my dope dealer not my thesis adviser. If I wanted your opinion about my dissertation, I’d have asked for it, Motherfucker!”
― Mark Leyner, The Tetherballs of Bougainville

“You are fiercely heterosexual and well-formed, and it's no one's business that you've shrunk your parents and keep them in a terranium, but you have a gatling gun for a mouth, and if that's a diary you're producing from your cleavage, I'm leaving.”
― Mark Leyner, I Smell Esther Williams

“I was an infinitely hot and dense dot.”
― Mark Leyner, My Cousin, My Gastroenterologist

“We have nothing in this life of suffocating obligation but our motherfucking impudence!”
― Mark Leyner, The Tetherballs of Bougainville

“On our last mission - our "final exam" - we were airlifted to a remote region, and we parachuted directly into a hostile enclave. We had to subdue the enemy using hand-to-hand tactics like tae kwon do and pugil sticks, cut their hair in styles appropriate to their particular face shapes, and give them perms.”
― Mark Leyner, My Cousin, My Gastroenterologist

“studies have failed to find any
substantial evidence proving a relationship between sugar consumption and hyperactivity.”
― Mark Leyner, Why Do Men Have Nipples?: Hundreds of Questions You'd Only Ask a Doctor After Your Third Martini