quotes by Groucho Marx
(showing 1-50 of 113)
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
— Groucho Marx (The Essential Groucho)
— Groucho Marx (The Essential Groucho)
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
— Groucho Marx
— Groucho Marx
"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana."
— Groucho Marx
— Groucho Marx
"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it."
— Groucho Marx
— Groucho Marx
"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'."
— Groucho Marx
— Groucho Marx
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
— Groucho Marx
— Groucho Marx
"I sent the club a wire stating, "PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER"."
— Groucho Marx (Groucho and Me)
— Groucho Marx (Groucho and Me)
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
— Groucho Marx
— Groucho Marx
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
— Groucho Marx
— Groucho Marx
"Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know. "
— Groucho Marx
— Groucho Marx
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others."
— Groucho Marx
— Groucho Marx
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, How he got in my pajamas I'll never know."
— Groucho Marx
— Groucho Marx
tags:
humor
217 people liked it
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
— Groucho Marx
— Groucho Marx
"Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it."
— Groucho Marx
— Groucho Marx
"I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that."
— Groucho Marx
— Groucho Marx
tags:
absurd
134 people liked it
"I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal."
— Groucho Marx
— Groucho Marx
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself."
— Groucho Marx
— Groucho Marx
"Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough."
— Groucho Marx
— Groucho Marx
"Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while"
— Groucho Marx
— Groucho Marx
tags:
humor
74 people liked it
"Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
— Groucho Marx
— Groucho Marx
tags:
absurd
64 people liked it
"The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar."
— Groucho Marx
— Groucho Marx
"Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere."
— Groucho Marx
— Groucho Marx
"I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks."
— Groucho Marx
— Groucho Marx
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
— Groucho Marx
— Groucho Marx
"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."
— Groucho Marx
— Groucho Marx
"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."
— Groucho Marx (The Essential Groucho)
— Groucho Marx (The Essential Groucho)
"we'll meet at the theater tonight. i'll hold your seat 'til you get there; once you get there ... you're on your own."
— Groucho Marx
— Groucho Marx
tags:
humor
48 people liked it
"Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun. "
— Groucho Marx
— Groucho Marx
"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."
— Groucho Marx
— Groucho Marx
"It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy."
— Groucho Marx
— Groucho Marx
tags:
humor
33 people liked it
"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."
— Groucho Marx
— Groucho Marx
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again"
— Groucho Marx
— Groucho Marx
"My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one."
— Groucho Marx
— Groucho Marx
"Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women."
— Groucho Marx
— Groucho Marx
tags:
leadership
27 people liked it
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
— Groucho Marx (The Groucho Letters: Letters from and to Groucho Marx)
— Groucho Marx (The Groucho Letters: Letters from and to Groucho Marx)

