Darynda Jones > Quotes

“My fore-parts, as you so ineloquently put it, have names." I pointed to my right breast. "This is Danger." Then my left. "And this is Will Robinson. I would appreciate it if you addressed them accordingly.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, "You named your breasts?"

I turned my back to him with a shrug. "I named my ovaries, too, but they don't get out as much.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“I went down like a drunken cowgirl trying to line dance to Metallica.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that.
- T-shirt”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“Maybe I needed sensitivity training. I once signed up for an anger management class, but the instructor pissed me off.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“That took balls."

"Please," I said with a snort, "that took ovaries. Of which I have two.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“Genius has its limitations.
Insanity...not so much" -Bumper Sticker”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“If I couldn't be a good example, I'd just have to be a horrible warning.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“I may not look like much, but I'm an expert at pretending to be a ninja.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“I stop fighting my inner demons. We're on the same side now. T-shirt”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“I have three words for you," EMT Guy said. "Possible internal bleeding."

I turned back to him. "Don't you think if I was bleeding internally, I'd know somewhere deep inside? Like, internally?”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“Make it quick," I said when I picked up.
"Okay. Two men from the FBI are here." Cookie said. Quickly.
Crap. "Men in black are at the office?"
"Well, yes, but they're actually in more of a navy."
Crapola. I so don't have time for men. In any color. "Okay, two questions. Do they look mad, and are they hot?"
After a long, long, pause, Cookie said, "One, not really. Two, no comment at this time. And three, you're on speakerphone."
After another long, long pause, I said, "Okie dokie then. Be there in a jiff.”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“I pointed in the general vicinity of my left ovary, "This is Beam Me Up." Then to my right. "And this is Scotty." Garret chuckled and buried his face in his hands. He asked.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“IF IT HAS TIRES OR TESTICLES, IT’S GONNA GIVE YOU TROUBLE. —BUMPER STICKER”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“WITH GREAT BREASTS COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY. —T-SHIRT”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“You know you have ADD when Look A chicken - T-shirt”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“Oh, and she told me that men want only one thing.
And on that note, I must give praise and thanks to the powers that be. I don't want much else from them either.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“NEVER BE AFRAID TO DART AROUND IN PUBLIC, HUMMING THE MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE THEME SONG. —T-SHIRT”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“DON’T GO BUYING TROUBLE.
IT’S FREE AND IT KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE.
—T-SHIRT”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself. (T-Shirt)”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“You’re just using me for my body.” “You don’t have a body,” I’d remind him.
“Throw that in my face.”
“Technically, you don’t have a face either.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“I WAS AN ATHEIST UNTIL I REALIZED I WAS GOD. —BUMPER STICKER”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“She shook her head then took off again, and I found myself struggling to keep up with her in my bunny slippers. With a sigh, I realized I was getting way too much exercise. I'd just have to counteract it later with cake.”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“While I was busy reminiscing about my first day on earth, I had forgotten that I was falling to my death. Damned ADD.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“SOME GIRLS WEAR PRADA. SOME GIRLS WEAR GLOCK 17 SHORT RECOIL SPRING-LOADED SEMIAUTOMATIC PISTOLS WITH A LOADED CHAMBER INDICATOR AND A NONSLIP GRIP. - T-SHIRT”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“He was like chocolate-covered heroin, and I was an addict through and through.”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“It isn’t the fall that will kill you, but the sudden stop.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“You hit me again," I said, growing oddly annoyed.
"Ya think?" Evil Riggs said. Smart-ass.
"Part of my brain hurts. I demand to know what that part of my brain is called and what its job is.”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. -T-Shirt”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“I stood and walked around the desk so I could stand over him. Menacingly. Like Darth Vader, only with better lung capacity.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“Can I jump in your body and make out with my wife through you?”
I fought a grin. “It doesn’t really work that way.”
“Then can you just make out with my wife and pretend I’m in your body?”
“No.”
“I can pay. I have money.”
“How much we talking?”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“I know karate, and like two other Japanese words - T-SHIRT”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“I sort of got off on making bad guys sweat. Which was not unlike my love of making good guys sweat, just by very different means.”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“She's like a hurricane on crystal meth.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“Chocolate and coffee ? Together ? Whoever came up with that combination should have won a Nobel Peace Prize. Or at least a subscription to Reader's Digest.”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“Yeah, but what happens if life hands me pickles? - Bumper sticker”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“I do not," I felt oddly appalled by her statement. "I'm an excellent liar. Ask my dentist. He swears I floss regularly.”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“This is one Fruit Loop beyond certifiable.”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“I hardly loathe myself. Have you seen my ass?”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. - T-SHIRT”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“...and then she glared at me, the same glare my stepmother used to give me when I gave her the Nazi salute. That woman was so touchy about her resemblance to Hitler.”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“If life hands you lemons,keep them. Because, hey, free lemons.-T-Shirt”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“Apparently, this really was Kill Charley Davidson Week. Or at least Horribly Maim Her.... It would probably never get government recognition, though, destined to be underappreciated like Halloween or Thesaurus Day.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is NOT for you. (BUMPER STICKER)”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“Amber wants your dad to get a teriyaki machine so she can sing for all the lonely barflies.
Does she know it’s not called—?”
“No,” she whispered.
“Are you gonna tell her?”
“No. It’s much funnier this way.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“For the first time in my life, I was in a shoot-out. A real, honest-to-goodness shoot-out with a bad guy. And, apparently, we both sucked.”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“There comes a moment when you know you just aren't going to do anything esle productive for the rest of the day.-T-Shirt”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“Sorry. i just can't seem to help myself. My brain is freaking out. Two predawn mornings in a row. It doesn't know what to think, how to act. I'll have a talk with it later. Perhaps get it some counseling.”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“This guy in high school tried to run me over with his dad’s SUV.
Bad shoved the vehicle through a store window.” The memory brought a smile to
my face.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“He said you sparkle like a newborn galaxy and have more attitude than a rich kid with his daddy's Porsche.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right