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Jarod Kintz quotes (showing 3,001-3,030 of 7,338)

“A man with six fingers on one hand who gets his finger cutoff by the mafia probably doesn’t feel pain, fear, or anger. No, that man probably feels normal.”
Jarod Kintz, Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life
“I wired my gas pedal to my stereo, so now when I crank up the volume the car accelerates.”
Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom
“My hush is lush. It’s drunk on its own greenness, just as I’m drunk on my blue silence. What would you say if I asked you to turquoise?”
Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
“However unfortunate you may feel, there are always those less fortunate than you. I’m not talking about the homeless—I’m talking about your clones. Think how insecure you’d feel if you knew you were nothing more than a derivative. And if you can imagine how you’d feel, you now know exactly how the other you would feel.”
Jarod Kintz, This Book Title is Invisible
“I like watching water drops drip off my eyelashes. Reminds me that I’m not the Desert of Love.”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense
“I collect sounds. I store most of them in my ears, but some, like the sneeze, I store in my nose. If you wear a rain slicker and some rubber gloves, I’ll show you my collection sometime.”
Jarod Kintz, Seriously delirious, but not at all serious
“Weeping willows remind me of summer. And sadness. I wonder if tissues are made out of their trunks.”
Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
“Your writing can be chosen by one publisher and hated by all readers, or it can be rejected by one publisher and loved by all readers. Most of the time it’s somewhere in between, but either way, don’t let rejection stop you from being hated.”
Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.
“I used to live with someone of the opposite sex. It’s called a sister, and I don’t have one.”
Jarod Kintz, Seriously delirious, but not at all serious
“She had a forehead like a dance floor. You should have seen the way the sun danced on her face in the middle of the night. I never actually saw it because I was always asleep in the middle of the night, but I’ll bet it looked unbelievable.”
Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
“Dinner is served. It’s chicken lo mein. Oh and by the way, your cat is missing.”
Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
“I guess I should be thankful. Full of thank. But what is thank? I can't eat thank, so I know my stomach isn't full of thank. I can't smell or breathe thank, so I know my lungs aren't full of thank. I'm not even sure how much thank I could fit in the trunk of my car. But I do know one thing. It's much easier to give thanks than something that actually costs money to give.”
Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
“I like farm salmon. I like the idea of fish growing on trees.”
Jarod Kintz, $3.33
“Here is my naked body. Take a long look at what nobody else can look at. And hurry up, before all the spectators show up.”
Jarod Kintz, Seriously delirious, but not at all serious
“Marriage is the dearth of sex as we know it.”
Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
“Amnesia is not the only time you’ll forget who you are. It’ll also happen the first time you see your own clone.”
Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom
“I used to spend a lot of time in lap pools. Growing up I was on a few swim teams. In Florida all there is to do is surf, swim, golf, and try to pick up single women at the retirement home.”
Jarod Kintz, Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this.
“I believe that guns offer the most bang for the buck.”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense
“Being in the womb was like taking a nine-month bath. I wanted to take a shower, but no matter how hard I kicked, or how loud I screamed, my mom wouldn’t listen.”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense
“The all-knowing yesterday is obsolete today.”
Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
“If I had three magic wishes, I’d use the first wish for one more, to replace the one I just wasted wishing for something I already had.”
Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
“I was looking for a reassuring hand to hold and steady my own, and I finally found it on the other side of my body.”
Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
“Doing autograph sessions all day is not what I signed up for. But that’s just all part of not being famous.”
Jarod Kintz, This Book Title is Invisible
“I saw her at the party last Saturday. I could tell by her body language that she wanted me. She was wearing a shirt that said, “I want you Jarod.” I left alone that night. Come Sunday morning, I found out that she went home with Jarod Wheedlebreeder. I guess the bonds of Jarod aren’t as tight as I thought.”
Jarod Kintz, Seriously delirious, but not at all serious
“I’m so old school I’m like a one-room schoolhouse—with no bathroom. I always keep it classy.”
Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
“Newt Gingrich, buddy, the people of the United States don’t like you. And the only reason the rest of the world doesn’t despise you is because they don’t know you. Thankfully you won’t have to experience that global derision, as you have reached the pinnacle of your career as a crook—I mean politician.”
Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
“Alcohol is the motorcycle of beverages. Liver fast, die young.”
Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
“Keys, they make it easier to get in and out of doors. So does invisibility.”
Jarod Kintz, A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom
“The world has genetically modified opinions, but mine are organic. Taste them and you will see.”
Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
“The phrase “In the blink of an eye” is misleading, because one eye closing and opening is not a blink—it’s a wink.”
Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.


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