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Jarod Kintz
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Jarod Kintz quotes (showing 1-50 of 4,083)
“If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
“I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
“I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dying my hair tonight.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
“I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
“I want to grow a flower for every time someone tells me “F*** you.” Then I’ll go back to that person and pin the flower on their lapel in a gesture of friendship. And while they are looking down on it in astonishment, I’ll bunch up my knuckles and punch them in the face.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.
― Jarod Kintz, I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.
“Laughter is the sound of the soul dancing. My soul probably looks like Fred Astaire.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
“I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it's relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could I get for each one?”
― Jarod Kintz
― Jarod Kintz
“I want to meet a guy named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and leave.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want
― Jarod Kintz, I Want
“You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
“I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.
― Jarod Kintz, I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.
“I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want
― Jarod Kintz, I Want
“I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want
― Jarod Kintz, I Want
“I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
“Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world.”
― Jarod Kintz, Great Listener Series Mute Women
― Jarod Kintz, Great Listener Series Mute Women
“If sex were shoes, I'd wear you out. But I wouldn't wear you out in public.”
― Jarod Kintz
― Jarod Kintz
“If I saw you hitchhiking, I’d smile and return your thumb’s up, just for you doing such a great job of being a positive roadside influence.”
― Jarod Kintz
― Jarod Kintz
“Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
“The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
“When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
“I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today, as I’m sick.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
“I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
“The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK.
”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33
“I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want
― Jarod Kintz, I Want
“She didn't say it, I only thought she said it. So really it was my thought, my words, and not hers. How could I confuse "I love you" with "May I take your order?”
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
“Nothing, Everything, Anything, Something: If you have nothing, then you have everything, because you have the freedom to do anything, without the fear of losing something.”
― Jarod Kintz, This is the story my great-grandfather told my father, who then told my grandfather, who then told me about how The Mythical Mr. Boo, Charles Manseur Fizzlebush Grissham III, better known as Mr. Fizzlebush, and Orafoura are all in fact me...
― Jarod Kintz, This is the story my great-grandfather told my father, who then told my grandfather, who then told me about how The Mythical Mr. Boo, Charles Manseur Fizzlebush Grissham III, better known as Mr. Fizzlebush, and Orafoura are all in fact me...
“When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33
“The only drink I like ice in is water, because you can’t water down water. I’m like that with love, too. Don’t you dare add any ice to the hot liquid loving I’m trying to pour all over you.”
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
“If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
“I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33
“You tell me you love me, but I’m not sure you know what love is, or how fast it flies, or how much it resembles a UFO, or what kind of weapon you’d use to shoot it down.”
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
― Jarod Kintz, Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life
― Jarod Kintz, Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life
“You know what I like most about people? Pets.
”
― Jarod Kintz, Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life
― Jarod Kintz, Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life
“I wanted to tell her “I love you” back, but I guess in waiting for the perfect moment (the next commercial break), I ended up completely forgetting.”
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
“If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes with your banana pudding. (This statement also defines my political beliefs).”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
“Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called.
”
― Jarod Kintz, This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks
― Jarod Kintz, This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks
“I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
“I wish my stove came with a Save As button like Word has. That way I could experiment with my cooking and not fear ruining my dinner.
”
― Jarod Kintz, Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life
― Jarod Kintz, Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life
“My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me
“If I have to beat you up to keep you safe, that’s just what I’ll do. It’s this kind of regard for others that makes me believe I’d be a good politician.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
― Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
“I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour.
”
― Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.
― Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.
“I only sing in the shower. I would join a choir, but I don’t think my bathtub can hold that many people.
”
― Jarod Kintz, Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life
― Jarod Kintz, Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life
“I want to write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it'll be so long, I'll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want
― Jarod Kintz, I Want
“I told her I'd wait forever for her, but that was before I found somebody else who'd give me a ride home.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
“Love is like jumping out of an airplane with no parachute. But there’s no need to be frightened, because that plane is still on the ground.”
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
“What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He's a loser—that’s why he's number two.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
