"To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up."
— Ogden Nash

"Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker."
— Ogden Nash

"You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely."
— Ogden Nash

"Some pains are physical, and some pains are mental, but the one that's both is dental."
— Ogden Nash

"The door of a bigoted mind opens outwards so that the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly."
— Ogden Nash

"I have an idea that the phrase “weaker sex” was coined by some woman to disarm the man she was preparing to overwhelm. "
— Ogden Nash

"Parsley is gharsley."
— Ogden Nash (Food)

"Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else."
— Ogden Nash

"Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive."
— Ogden Nash

"If you don’t want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won’t have to work."
— Ogden Nash

"Come live with me and be my love
And we will all the pleasures prove
Of a marriage conducted with economy
In the Twentieth Century Anno Donomy.
We’ll live in a dear little walk-up flat
With practically room to swing a cat
And a potted cactus to give it hauteur
And a bathtub equipped with dark brown water.
We’ll eat, without undue discouragement,
Foods low in cost but high in nouragement
And quaff with pleasure, while chatting wittily,
The peculiar wine of Little Italy.
We’ll remind each other it’s smart to be thrifty
And buy our clothes for something-fifty.
We’ll bus for miles on holidays
For seas at depressing matinees,
And every Sunday we’ll have a lark
And take a walk in Central Park.
And one of these days not too remote
You’ll probably up and cut my throat."
— Ogden Nash

"Certainly there are things in life that money can’t buy, but it’s very funny –
Did you ever try buying them without money."
— Ogden Nash

"A jolly young fellow from Yuma
Told an elephant joke to a puma;
now his skeleton lies
beneath hot western skies-
the puma had no sense of huma"
— Ogden Nash

"Progress is a fine thing, but it's gone on long enough."
— Ogden Nash

"Bugs. Adam had'em."
— Ogden Nash

"The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other milk."
— Ogden Nash

"People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven’t what they want that they really don’t want it."
— Ogden Nash

"Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore."
— Ogden Nash

"The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually becomes a cat."
— Ogden Nash

"There are people who are very resourceful, at being remorseful,
And who apparently feel that the best way to make friends is to do something terrible and then make amends."
— Ogden Nash

"People can't concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the twenty-fifth of December."
— Ogden Nash

"Senescence begins
And middle-age ends
The day your descendants
Outnumber your friends"
— Ogden Nash

"A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. "
— Ogden Nash

"I give you now Professor Twist
The conscientious scientist.
Trustees exclaimed, “He never bungles”
And sent him off to distant jungles.
Camped on a tropic riverside
One day he missed his lovely bride.
The guide informed him later
She had been eaten by an alligator.
Professor Twist could not but smile.
“You mean,” he said “a crocodile.!'"
— Ogden Nash

"We Don't Need to Leave Yet, Do We? Or, Yes We Do

One kind of person when catching a train always wants to allow an hour to cover the ten-block trip to the terminus,
And the other kind looks at them as if they were verminous,
And the second kind says that five minutes is plenty and will even leave one minute over for buying the tickets,
And the first kind looks at them as if they had cerebral rickets.
One kind when theater-bound sups lightly at six and hastens off to the play,
And indeed I know one such person who is so such that it frequently arrives in time for the last act of the matinee,
And the other kind sits down at eight to a meal that is positively sumptuous,
Observing cynically that an eight-thirty curtain never rises till eight-forty, an observation which is less cynical than bumptious.
And what the first kind, sitting uncomfortably in the waiting room while the train is made up in the yards, can never understand,
Is the injustice of the second kind's reaching their scat just as the train moves out, just as they had planned,
And what the second kind cannot understand as they stumble over the first kind's heel just as the footlights flash on at last
Is that the first kind doesn't feel the least bit foolish at having entered the theater before the cast.
Oh, the first kind always wants to start now and the second kind always wants to tarry,
Which wouldn't make any difference, except that each other is what they always marry."
— Ogden Nash

"Progress might have been all right once, but it has gone on too long."
— Ogden Nash

"Snow is all right while it is snowing; it is like inebriation because it is very pleasing when it is coming, but very unpleasing when it is going."
— Ogden Nash

"The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late."
— Ogden Nash

"Indeed, everybody wants to be a wow, But not everybody knows exactly how. Some people think they will eventually wear diamonds instead of rhinestones Only by everlastingly keeping their noses to their ghrinestones"
— Ogden Nash

"You're only young once, but you can remain immature indefinetely."
— Ogden Nash

"Professional men, they have no cares;
Whatever happens, they get theirs."
— Ogden Nash

"You can have my jellyfish
I am not sellyfish"
— Ogden Nash

"...Elephants are useful friends: they have handles on both ends."
— Ogden Nash

"The Cow

The cow is of the bovine ilk;
One end is moo, the other, milk."
— Ogden Nash

"Philo Vance / Needs a kick in the pance."
— Ogden Nash

"Hark to the sky of a seagull!
He cries because he's not an eagle.
Oh, what if you were you silly he-gull?
What would you say to your she-gull?"
— Ogden Nash

"If some confectioners were willing
To let the shape announce the filling,
We'd encounter fewer assorted chocs,
Bitten into and returned to the box."
— Ogden Nash