quotes by Ellen DeGeneres

"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is."
— Ellen DeGeneres

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
— Ellen DeGeneres

"Have you ever heard somebody sing some lyrics that you've never sung before, and you realize you've never sung the right words in that song? You hear them and all of a sudden you say to yourself, 'Life in the Fast Lane?' That's what they're saying right there? You think, 'why have I been singing 'wipe in the vaseline?' how many people have heard me sing 'wipe in the vaseline?' I am an idiot.'"
— Ellen DeGeneres (My Point...And I Do Have One)

"Why wait, procrastinate now...."
— Ellen DeGeneres

"The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble."
— Ellen DeGeneres

"In the beginning there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light!’ And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better. "
— Ellen DeGeneres

"Procrastination isn’t the problem, it’s the solution. So procrastinate now, don’t put it off. "
— Ellen DeGeneres

"Sometimes you can't see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others. "
— Ellen DeGeneres

"Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot."
— Ellen DeGeneres

"Our attention span is shot. We've all got Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD or OCD or one of these disorders with three letters because we don't have the time or patience to pronounce the entire disorder. That should be a disorder right there, TBD - Too Busy Disorder.
"
— Ellen DeGeneres

"I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old-fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before."
— Ellen DeGeneres

"I'm so unfamiliar with the gym, I call it James!"
— Ellen DeGeneres

"People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant. "
— Ellen DeGeneres

"Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. It is the universe's way of saying stop, slow down, you move too fast. Listen to the music. Whoa whoa, listen to the music. Because music makes the people come together, it makes the bourgeois and the rebel. So come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody try to love one another. Because what the world needs now is love, sweet love. And I know that love is a battlefield, but boogie on reggae woman because you're gonna make it after all. So celebrate good times, come on. I've gotta stop I've gotta come to my senses, I've been out riding fences for so long... oops I did it again... um... What I'm trying to say is, if you leave tonight and you don't remember anything else that I've said, leave here and remember this: Procrastinate now, don't put it off. "
— Ellen DeGeneres

"And now I've got to explain the smell that was in there before I went in there. Does that ever happen to you? It's not your fault. You've held your breath, you just wanna get out, and now you open the door and you have to explain, 'Oh! Listen, there's an odor in there and I didn't do it. It's bad.'"
— Ellen DeGeneres (My Point...And I Do Have One)

"Baloney is just salami with an inferiority complex."
— Ellen DeGeneres

"Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days."
— Ellen DeGeneres (The Funny Thing Is...)

"take a nap in a fireplace and you'll sleep like a log."
— Ellen DeGeneres

"You know, radio DJ's must really love to talk to theirselves. Especially when they have the graveyard shift. 'Hey this is Ellen with 89.1. It is currently three in the morning. There are few cars on the road. And it your still listening heres a little music to get you to dance..'"
— Ellen DeGeneres

"One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine."
— Ellen DeGeneres

"You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled."
— Ellen DeGeneres

"Have you ever heard somebody sing some lyrics that you've never sung before, and you realize you've never sung the right words in that song? You hear them and all of a sudden you say to yourself, 'Life in the Fast Lane?' That's what they're saying right there? You think, 'why have I been singing 'wipe in the vaseline?' how many people have heard me sing 'wipe in the vaseline?' I am an idiot.
"
— Ellen DeGeneres

"Procrastinate now. Don't put it off."
— Ellen DeGeneres

"Sometimes you can't see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others."
— Ellen DeGeneres

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. "
— Ellen DeGeneres

"Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot."
— Ellen DeGeneres

"The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble.
"
— Ellen DeGeneres