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Andy Rooney quotes (showing 1-30 of 41)

“Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!”
Andy Rooney
“Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.”
Andy Rooney
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
Andy Rooney
“If you smile when you are alone, then you really mean it.”
Andy Rooney
“One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly."
~ (1919-), American writer, producer, humorist. ”
Andy Rooney
“It's paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.”
Andy Rooney
“The 50-50-90 rule: anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.”
Andy Rooney
“I've learned .... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.”
Andy Rooney
“I've learned that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.”
Andy Rooney
“I've learned .... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.”
Andy Rooney
“Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? 'Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is share the love. Beep.' 'Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic… speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.”
Andy Rooney
“the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.”
Andy Rooney
“As I grow in age, I value women who are over forty most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over forty will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, “What are you thinking?” She doesn’t care what you think.


If a woman over forty doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it’s usually something more interesting.


A woman over forty knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of forty give a hoot what you might think about her or what she’s doing.


Women over forty are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.


Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it’s like to be unappreciated.


A woman over forty has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn’t trust the guy with other women. Women over forty couldn’t care less if you’re attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won’t betray her.


Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over forty. They always know.


A woman over forty looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over forty is far sexier than her younger counterpart.


Older women are forthright and honest. They’ll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one! You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her.


Yes, we praise women over forty for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of forty-plus, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some twenty-two-year-old waitress.


Ladies, I apologize.


For all those men who say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free,” here’s an update for you. Now 80 percent of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.”
Andy Rooney
“One question in my mind, which I hardly dare mention in public, is whether patriotism has, overall, been a force for good or evil in the world. Patriotism is rampant in war and there are some good things about it. Just as self-respect and pride bring out the best in an individual, pride in family, pride in teammates, pride in hometown bring out the best in groups of people. War brings out the kind of pride in country that encourages its citizens in the direction of excellence and it encourages them to be ready to die for it. At no time do people work so well together to achieve the same goal as they do in wartime. Maybe that's enough to make patriotism eligible to be considered a virtue. If only I could get out of my mind the most patriotic people who ever lived, the Nazi Germans.”
Andy Rooney, My War
“We all ought to understand we're on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn't do kids any harm for a few years but it isn't smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for him to come down the chimney with something wonderful. Santa Claus and God are cousins.”
Andy Rooney, Sincerely, Andy Rooney
“For most of life, nothing wonderful happens. If you don’t enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends, then the chances are that you’re not going to be very happy. If someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events like a great new job, huge amounts of money, a flawlessly happy marriage or a trip to Paris, that person isn’t going to be happy much of the time. If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness.”
Andy Rooney
“I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.”
Andy Rooney
“I'd be more willing to accept religion, even if I didn't believe it, if I thought it made people nicer to each other but I don't think it does.”
Andy Rooney, Sincerely, Andy Rooney
“Christians talk as though goodness was their idea but good behavior doesn't have any religious origin. Our prisons are filled with the devout.”
Andy Rooney, Sincerely, Andy Rooney
“I'm always on the lookout for something good about people. Often months go by.”
Andy Rooney
“Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.”
Andy Rooney
“Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.”
Andy Rooney
“Writers don't often say anything that readers don't already know, unless its a news story. A writer's greatest pleasure is revealing to people things they knew but did not know they knew. Or did not realize everyone else knew, too. This produces a warm sense of fellow feeling and is the best a writer can do.”
Andy Rooney
“Nothing in fine print is ever good news.”
Andy Rooney
“I don't differentiate much, except in degree, between people who believe in religion from those who believe in astrology, magic or the supernatural.”
Andy Rooney, Sincerely, Andy Rooney
“If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.”
Andy Rooney
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.”
Andy Rooney
“Do I have opinions that might piss people off? Yes - that's what I'm here for.”
Andy Rooney
“I am not retiring. Writers don't retire. Writers never stop writing.”
Andy Rooney
“The Christmas tree is a symbol of love, not money. There's a kind of glory to them when they're all lit up that exceeds anything all the money in the world could buy.”
Andy Rooney, Andy Rooney: 60 Years of Wisdom and Wit

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