Andy Rooney > Quotes

“Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80%of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!”
― Andy Rooney

“Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.”
― Andy Rooney

“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
― Andy Rooney

“It's paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.”
― Andy Rooney

“If you smile when you are alone, then you really mean it.”
― Andy Rooney

“One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly."
~ (1919-), American writer, producer, humorist. ”
― Andy Rooney

“The 50-50-90 rule: anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.”
― Andy Rooney

“I've learned .... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.”
― Andy Rooney

“I've learned that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.”
― Andy Rooney

“Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? 'Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is share the love. Beep.' 'Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic… speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.”
― Andy Rooney

“I've learned .... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.”
― Andy Rooney

“the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.”
― Andy Rooney

“One question in my mind, which I hardly dare mention in public, is whether patriotism has, overall, been a force for good or evil in the world. Patriotism is rampant in war and there are some good things about it. Just as self-respect and pride bring out the best in an individual, pride in family, pride in teammates, pride in hometown bring out the best in groups of people. War brings out the kind of pride in country that encourages its citizens in the direction of excellence and it encourages them to be ready to die for it. At no time do people work so well together to achieve the same goal as they do in wartime. Maybe that's enough to make patriotism eligible to be considered a virtue. If only I could get out of my mind the most patriotic people who ever lived, the Nazi Germans.”
― Andy Rooney, My War

“We all ought to understand we're on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn't do kids any harm for a few years but it isn't smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for him to come down the chimney with something wonderful. Santa Claus and God are cousins.”
― Andy Rooney, Sincerely, Andy Rooney

“I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.”
― Andy Rooney

“Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.”
― Andy Rooney

“Writers don't often say anything that readers don't already know, unless its a news story. A writer's greatest pleasure is revealing to people things they knew but did not know they knew. Or did not realize everyone else knew, too. This produces a warm sense of fellow feeling and is the best a writer can do.”
― Andy Rooney

“I'm always on the lookout for something good about people. Often months go by.”
― Andy Rooney

“Nothing in fine print is ever good news.”
― Andy Rooney

“For most of life, nothing wonderful happens. If you don’t enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends, then the chances are that you’re not going to be very happy. If someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events like a great new job, huge amounts of money, a flawlessly happy marriage or a trip to Paris, that person isn’t going to be happy much of the time. If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness.”
― Andy Rooney

“Do I have opinions that might piss people off? Yes - that's what I'm here for.”
― Andy Rooney

“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.”
― Andy Rooney

“My mother always called me 'sturdy' and said I have big bones. A little fat is what I am.”
― Andy Rooney

“Christians talk as though goodness was their idea but good behavior doesn't have any religious origin. Our prisons are filled with the devout.”
― Andy Rooney, Sincerely, Andy Rooney

“I'd be more willing to accept religion, even if I didn't believe it, if I thought it made people nicer to each other but I don't think it does.”
― Andy Rooney, Sincerely, Andy Rooney

“I don't differentiate much, except in degree, between people who believe in religion from those who believe in astrology, magic or the supernatural.”
― Andy Rooney, Sincerely, Andy Rooney

“I am not retiring. Writers don't retire. Writers never stop writing.”
― Andy Rooney

“The trouble with dictionaries is, they tell you more about words than you want to know without answering the question you have.”
― Andy Rooney

“My advice is not to wait to be struck by an idea. If you're a writer, you sit down and damn well decide to have an idea.”
― Andy Rooney

“Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.”
― Andy Rooney