Justin Halpern > Quotes

“You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“The worst thing you can be is a liar. . . . Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two.”
― Justin Halpern

“See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested.”
― Justin Halpern

“Don't touch that knife. YOU never need to be holding a knife... I don't give a shit, learn how to butter stuff with a spoon”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“Sometimes life leaves a hundred-dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later it's because it fucked you.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“On Lego's

"Listen, I don't want to stifle your creativity, but that thing you built there, it looks a pile of shit.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?...Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“You're ten years old now, you have to take a shower every day...I don't give a shit if you hate it. People hate smelly fuckers. I will not have a smelly fucker for a son.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“People are always trying to tell you how they feel. Some of them say it outright, and some of them, they tell you with their actions. And you have to listen. I don't know what will happen with your lady friend. I think she's a nice person, and I hope you get what you want. But do me a favor: Listen, and don't ignore what you hear.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“I don't give a shit how it happened, the window is broken... Wait, why is there syrup everywhere? Okay, you know what? Now I give a shit how it happened, Let's hear it.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“Do people your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“The dog is not bored. It's not like he's waiting for me to give him a fucking Rubik's Cube. He's a goddamned dog.”
― Justin Halpern

“Your penis betrayed you, son. Made you think stupid. It won't be the last time that happens.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“There seem to be a lot of gay people there...Oh please, as if that's what I meant by that. Trust me, none of them would ever want to fuck you anyway. They're gay, not blind.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“On Being Afraid to Use the Elementary School Bathrooms to Defecate

“Son, you're complaining to the wrong man. I can shit anywhere, at any time. It's one of my finer qualities. Some might say my finest.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumb shit. He knows how it works.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“You worry too much. Eat some bacon...what? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“On Telemarketer Phone Calls
“Hello?…Fuck you.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“On my seventh birthday party:
No, you can't have a bouncy house at your birthday party...What do you mean, why? Have you ever thought to yourself, where would I put a god-damned bouncy house in our backyard?...Yeah, that's right, that's the kind of shit I think about , that you just think magically appears.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“Nobody likes practice, but whats worse: practicing or sucking at something?...Oh give me a fucking break, practicing is NOT worse than sucking.”
― Justin Halpern

“Even though I grew up two hours south, I had rarely ventured to Los Angeles. I soon learned that my dad wasn't totally off base when he said, "Los Angeles is like San Diego's older, uglier sister that has herpes." . . . "Remember. Family," he said. "Also, how do I get back to I-5? I hate this fucking city.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“You're going to run into jerk-offs, but remember: It's not the size of the asshole you worry about, it's how much shit comes out of it.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“You go ahead. I'd rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds' urine.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“My mind was quickly consumed with thoughts of my girlfriend and all the good times we had had, like one of those cheesy montages ni eighties movies, when the angsty protagonist envisions himself and his ex holding hands on the beach, feeding a small puppy, getting into some kind of zany wrestling match with whipped cream. I interrupted my cliché memories by saying aloud: "Ugh, I'm feeling pretty low about this whole thing."

"You just gotta try to put it out of your head," he said, folding the paper halfway down to look at me.

"I know, it's just hard. I mean, I still have stuff at her place. What am I going to do about that? I still have a TV...," I said.

"Fuck the TV. Leave the TV. Cut your ties."

"It's a fifteen-hundred-dollar TV," I insisted.

"Go get that fucking TV.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“On Asking to Have the Candy Passed to Me During Schindler’s List “What do you want — the candy? They’re throwing people in the fucking gas chamber, and you want a Skittles?”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“If it's not bourbon or sweatpants, it's going in the garbage.... No, don't get creative. Now is not a creative time. Now is a bourbon and sweatpants time.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“You say you’re sick, huh? Well, it looks like you’ve come down with a case of bullshit.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“... human beings fear the unknown. So, whatever's freaking you out, grab it by the balls and say hello.”
― Justin Halpern, I Suck at Girls

“When it's asshole-tightening time, that's when you see what people are made of. Or at least what their asshole is made of.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“You are four years old. You have to shit in the toilet. This is not one of those negotiations where we’ll go back and forth and find a middle ground. This ends with you shitting in a toilet.”
― Justin Halpern

“On My Eighth-Grade Graduation Ceremony “They’re celebrating you graduating from eighth grade? We just went to your sixth-grade graduation two goddamned years ago! Jesus Christ, why don’t they just throw a fucking party every time you properly wipe your ass?”
― Justin Halpern

“On Proper Etiquette for Borrowing His Car “You borrowed the car, and now it smells like shit. I don’t care if you smell like shit, that’s your business. But when you shit up my car, then that’s my business. Take it somewhere and un-shit that smell.”
― Justin Halpern

“Your friends’ parents drive like assholes. Tell them it’s an elementary school parking lot, not downtown fucking Manhattan.”
― Justin Halpern

“On Showering with Regularity “You’re ten years old now, you have to take a shower every day…. I don’t give a shit if you hate it. People hate smelly fuckers. I will not have a smelly fucker for a son.”
― Justin Halpern

“On LEGOs “Listen, I don’t want to stifle your creativity, but that thing you built there, it looks like a pile of shit.”
― Justin Halpern

“On My Last-Place Finish in the 50-Yard Dash During Little League Tryouts “It kinda looked like you were being attacked by a bunch of bees or something. Then when I saw the fat kid with the watch who was timing you start laughing…. Well, I’ll just say it’s never a good sign when a fat kid laughs at you.”
― Justin Halpern

“On My First Driving Lesson “First things first: A car has five gears. What is that smell?…Okay, first thing before that first thing: Farting in a car that’s not moving makes you an asshole.”
― Justin Halpern

“Joey looked confused and horrified, like a stripper bursting out of a cake only to realize she’s been accidentally delivered to a baby shower.”
― Justin Halpern

“On My Interest in Smoking Cigars “You’re not a cigar guy…. Well, the first reason that jumps out at me is that you hold it like you’re jerking off a mouse.”
― Justin Halpern