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Mike Birbiglia quotes (showing 1-21 of 21)

“It had that kind of open-ended fear to it - like that feeling you get when you're driving and you see a cop. And you're not speeding. You don't have drugs. But you're just thinking, I hope he doesn't notice I'm driving.”
Mike Birbiglia, Sleepwalk With Me and Other Painfully True Stories
“When you're in a relationship with someone who's selfish, what keeps you in it is the fact that when they shine on you, it's this souped-up shine. And you feel like you're in the club. And you don't even know what club it is. You just know you want to stay in it.”
Mike Birbiglia, Sleepwalk With Me and Other Painfully True Stories
“Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you.”
Mike Birbiglia, Sleepwalk with Me
“Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.”
Mike Birbiglia
“The list of fun and easily fixed brain diseases is very short.”
Mike Birbiglia, Sleepwalk With Me and Other Painfully True Stories
“I wake up at 4:30 am to jump on a plane, which is that part of the morning before the earth even exists. Before they've even programmed the Matrix. You walk out of your apartment and the road isn't even there. You walk out of your house, and there's just a guy with a laptop who yells, "We need a road, stat!" "How 'bout a building, Tank!”
Mike Birbiglia, Sleepwalk With Me and Other Painfully True Stories
tags: humor
“I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an effective use of time.”
Mike Birbiglia, Sleepwalk With Me and Other Painfully True Stories
“I was a big dreamer and never particularly good at anything--a real dilemma. I wasn't terrible. I was just... okay. If you're terrible, you can write everybody off, like, "I don't know what the hell those idiots are doing?" I knew what those idiots were doing. And I knew that they did it better than me.”
Mike Birbiglia, Sleepwalk With Me and Other Painfully True Stories
“Sometimes, when you want to be in a place so badly, you'll do anything.”
Mike Birbiglia, Sleepwalk With Me and Other Painfully True Stories
“...And so we go and I meet his parents. And it's a very strange thing meeting your girlfriend's boyfriend's parents for the first time. Part of you is angry for obvious reasons and part of you still wants to make a good impression. On a side note, they seemed in perfect health.”
Mike Birbiglia
“Falling in love for the first time is a completely transcendent experience. It’s like eating pizza-flavored ice cream. Your brain can’t even process that level of joy. Love makes people do crazy things like kill other people or shop at Crate & Barrel. I think on some level it makes us all delusional. Deep down, our whole lives, no matter how low our self-esteem gets, we think, I have a special skill that no one knows about and if they knew they’d be amazed. And then eventually we meet someone who says, “You have a secret special skill.” And you’re like, “I know! So do you!” And they’re like, “I know!” And then you’re like, “We should eat pizza ice cream together.” And that’s what love is. It’s this giant mound of pizza-flavored ice cream and delusion”
Mike Birbiglia
“I didn't realize how good I was with computers until I met my parents.”
Mike Birbiglia
“So I’m standing in a tree thirty feet above the pond with my three friends and my friend Pat says, “Dude, jump!” And I look down at the water, which is so far away, and I say, “That doesn’t seem like a good plan.” And they said, “Dude, we already jumped, it’s no biggie. What’s the worst thing that could happen? It’s only watah” (that’s “water” with a Boston accent), which is really flawed logic, that watah logic. I learn later that many bad things historically have happened in water. Shark attacks. Drowning. Bad sex. But my friend Nick makes an argument that in Massachusetts is irrefutable. He’s like, “Do it.” So I do.”
Mike Birbiglia, Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories
“I try to think up material that might apply to the subjects they are studying. How many mitochondria does it take to power a cell? One. Because mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell. Not ready for prime time, that one.”
Mike Birbiglia, Sleepwalk with Me
“I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.”
Mike Birbiglia, Sleepwalk with Me
“They really cut to the chase in the urologist’s examination room, and I tried to laugh. If this office were a movie, it would have been rated R.”
Mike Birbiglia, Sleepwalk with Me
“Looking back on it, could there possible have been a more confusing acronym for trying to keep kids from experimenting with drugs than DARE?
"Kids, we’re here today to DARE you not to do drugs! We DARE you to accept our DARE!"

"Office, does that mean you want us not to do drugs, or to do drugs?"
“We DARE you not to do drugs!”

"But I thought we weren’t supposed to do things We’re dared to do. If you dared me to jump out of a tree, I should do that, right?"

"It’s just an acronym, son."

"What is an acronym?”
Mike Birbiglia, Sleepwalk With Me and Other Painfully True Stories
tags: humor
“This is my situation. I'm the kind of person who, for fun, writes articles called 'Aviation Club Soars into Orbit!' and an unhappy bully I've never heard of is sending out envoys.”
Mike Birbiglia, Sleepwalk With Me and Other Painfully True Stories
“I was made to believe that my life was going to be fixed and it wasn't. I'm still the same loser who had flown to Los Angeles on my sister's frequent flier miles just six days before.”
Mike Birbiglia, Sleepwalk With Me and Other Painfully True Stories
“The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.”
Mike Birbiglia


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