"It struck me as pretty ridiculous to be called Mr. Darcy and to stand on your own looking snooty at a party. It's like being called Heathcliff and insisting on spending the entire evening in the garden, shouting "Cathy" and banging your head against a tree."
— Helen Fielding (Bridget Jones's Diary)

"I will not fall for any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, people with girlfriends or wives, misogynists, megalomanics, chauvists, emotional fuckwits or freeloaders, perverts."
— Helen Fielding (Bridget Jones's Diary)

"It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces."
— Helen Fielding (Bridget Jones's Diary)

"9p.m. My flat. Feel very strange and empty. Is all very well thinking everything is going to be different when you come back but then it is all the same. Suppose I have to make it different. But what am I going to do with my life?
I know. Will eat some cheese."
— Helen Fielding (Bridget Jones the Edge of Reason)

""I like you very much. Just as you are." Mark Darcy, Bridget Jones"
— Helen Fielding

"Tom has a theory that homosexuals and single women in their thirties have natural bonding: both being accustomed to disappointing their parents and being treated as freaks by society."
— Helen Fielding (Bridget Jones's Diary)

"I will not get upset over men, but instead be poised and cool ice-queen."
— Helen Fielding (Bridget Jones's Diary)

"Actually last night my married lover appeared wearing suspenders and a darling little angora crop top told me he was gay a sex addict a narcotic addict a commitment phobic and beat me up with a dildo."
— Helen Fielding

"The corruption of the good by the belief in their own infallible goodnes is the most bloody dangerous pitfall in the human spectrum. Once you have conquered all your sins, pride is the one which will conquer you. A man starts off deciding he is a good man because he makes good decisions. Next thing, he's convinced that whatever decision he makes must be good because he's a good man. Most of the wars in the world are caused by people who think they have god on their side. Always stick with people who know they are flawed and ridiculous."
— Helen Fielding

""Junction nineteen! Una, she came off at Junction nineteen! You've added an hour to your journey before you even started. Come on, let's get you a drink. How's your love life, anyway?"

Oh GOD. Why can't married people understand that this is no longer a polite question to ask? We wouldn't rush up to THEM and roar, "How's your marriage going? Still having sex?" Everyone knows that dating in your thirties is not the happy-go-lucky free-for-it-all it was when you were twenty-two and that the honest answer is more likely to be, "Actually, last night my married lover appeared wearing suspenders and a darling little Angora crop-top, told me he was gay/a sex addict/a narcotic addict/a commitment phobic and beat me up with a dildo," than, "Super, thanks.""
— Helen Fielding (Bridget Jones's Diary)

"Keep thinking back about what Mum said about being real and the Velveteen Rabbit book (though frankly have had enough trouble with rabbits in this particular house). My favorite book, she claims of which I have no memory was about how little kids get one toy that they love more than all the others, and even when its fur has been rubbed off, and it's gone saggy with bits missing, the little child still thinks it's the most beautiful toy in the world, and can't bear to be parted from it.

That's how it works, when people really love each other, Mum whispered on the way out in the Debenhams lift, as if she was confessing some hideous and embarrassing secret. But, the thing is, darling, it doesn't happen to ones who have sharp edges, or break if they get dropped, or ones made of silly synthetic stuff that doesn't last. You have to be brave and let the other person know who you are and what you feel."
— Helen Fielding (Bridget Jones the Edge of Reason)

"Eventually, I manage to cheer Mum up by allowing her to go through my wardrobe and criticize all my clothes..."
— Helen Fielding

"That is such crap. How dare you be so fraudulently flirtatious, cowardly and dysfunctional? I am not interested in emotional fuckwittage. Goodbye."
— Helen Fielding (Bridget Jones's Diary)

"''I am a child of Cosmopolitan culture, have been traumatized by supermodels and too many quizzes and know that neither my personality nor my body is up to it if left to its own devices. I can't take the pressure.''"
— Helen Fielding

"It occurred to me that if Africa needed us, sometimes we needed Africa a great deal more."
— Helen Fielding (Cause Celeb)

"Don't say 'what,' say 'pardon,' darling, and do as your mother tells you."
— Helen Fielding

"Don't say 'what,' say 'pardon,' darling, and do as your mother tells you."
— Helen Fielding (Bridget Jones's Diary)