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Chris Rock quotes (showing 1-30 of 47)

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?”
Chris Rock
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
“You don’t need no gun control, you know what you need? We need some bullet control. Men, we need to control the bullets, that’s right. I think all bullets should cost five thousand dollars… five thousand dollars per bullet… You know why? Cause if a bullet cost five thousand dollars there would be no more innocent bystanders.
Yeah! Every time somebody get shut we’d say, ‘Damn, he must have done something ... Shit, he’s got fifty thousand dollars worth of bullets in his ass.’
And people would think before they killed somebody if a bullet cost five thousand dollars. ‘Man I would blow your fucking head off…if I could afford it.’ ‘I’m gonna get me another job, I’m going to start saving some money, and you’re a dead man. You’d better hope I can’t get no bullets on layaway.’
So even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you wouldn't have to go to no doctor to get it taken out. Whoever shot you would take their bullet back, like "I believe you got my property.”
Chris Rock
“I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity. ”
Chris Rock
“Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?”
Chris Rock
“We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a fucking lactose intolerance?!”
Chris Rock
“If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.”
Chris Rock
“Men are as faithful as their options.”
Chris Rock
“Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.”
Chris Rock
“I do what I can do when I can do it.”
Chris Rock
“You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense”
Chris Rock
“Women need food, water, and compliments
That's right.
And an occasional pair of shoes.”
Chris Rock
“Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it's about having a lot of options.”
Chris Rock
“If you're black, you got to look at America a little bit different. You got to look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college, but who molested you.”
Chris Rock
“Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.”
Chris Rock
tags: women
“I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boos was trying to say? "Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law.”
Chris Rock
“You don’t need no gun control, you know what you need? We need some bullet control. Men, we need to control the bullets, that’s right. I think all bullets should cost five thousand dollars… five thousand dollars per bullet… You know why? Cause if a bullet cost five thousand dollars there would be no more innocent bystanders.”
Chris Rock
“Men lie the most,

women tell the biggest lies.”
Chris Rock
“Do you know?
What the fuck do women want?
l know what you want: everything.”
Chris Rock
“Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.”
Chris Rock
tags: humor
“Are they real fires? Or are people just reacting to something? Just because there’s an alarm going doesn’t mean it’s a fire. And I think that people are confusing the two. It’s only a fire when it offends the fans, and the fans turn on you. Tosh has fans, and they get the joke. If you’ve watched enough Tracy Morgan, you let the worst thing go by. When did Tracy Morgan become Walter Cronkite? You have to mean something to me to offend me. You can’t break up with me if we don’t date.”
Chris Rock
“بعضهم يقول إن الحياة قصيرة، وأنك قد تموت في حادث سيارة في أي لحظة، فعليك أن تعيش كل يوم كأنه آخر أيامك. هذا هراء. الحيـاة طويلة. ومن المحتمل جداً أنك لا تموت في حادث سيارة، وعندها عليك أن تعيش مع نتائج خياراتك لمدة خمسين عاماً”
Chris Rock
“You got a gun, you don't have to work out.”
Chris Rock
“You can only offend me if you mean something to me.”
Chris Rock
“Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.”
Chris Rock
“You don't pay taxes-they take taxes.”
Chris Rock
tags: taxes
“If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty.”
Chris Rock
tags: age, women
“I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.”
Chris Rock
“Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.”
Chris Rock

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