Dorothy Parker > Quotes

“The cure for boredom is curiosity.
There is no cure for curiosity.”
― Dorothy Parker

“Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.”
― Dorothy Parker

“The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.”
― Dorothy Parker

“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.”
― Dorothy Parker

“This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.”
― Dorothy Parker

“I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.”
― Dorothy Parker

“Don't look at me in that tone of voice.”
― Dorothy Parker

“Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.”
― Dorothy Parker

“By the time you swear you're his,
Shivering and sighing.
And he vows his passion is,
Infinite, undying.
Lady make note of this --
One of you is lying.”
― Dorothy Parker

“Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.”
― Dorothy Parker

“I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
after four I'm under my host.”
― Dorothy Parker, The Collected Dorothy Parker

“You can lead a whore to culture, but you can't make her think.”
― Dorothy Parker

“They sicken of the calm who know the storm.”
― Dorothy Parker

“If I didn't care for fun and such,
I'd probably amount to much.
But I shall stay the way I am,
Because I do not give a damn.”
― Dorothy Parker

“What fresh hell is this?”
― Dorothy Parker, The Portable Dorothy Parker

“That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.”
― Dorothy Parker

“Tell him I was too fucking busy-- or vice versa.”
― Dorothy Parker

“I hate writing, I love having written.”
― Dorothy Parker

“Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.”
― Dorothy Parker

“That woman speaks eighteen languages, and she can’t say 'No' in any of them.”
― Dorothy Parker

“Constant use had not worn ragged the fabric of their friendship.”
― Dorothy Parker

“Now I know the things I know, and I do the things I do; and if you do not like me so, to hell, my love, with you!”
― Dorothy Parker

“She was pleased to have him come and never sorry to see him go.”
― Dorothy Parker

“This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.”
― Dorothy Parker

“And if my heart be scarred and burned,
The safer, I, for all I learned.”
― Dorothy Parker, Sunset Gun

“I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.”
― Dorothy Parker

“Ducking for apples -- change one letter and it's the story of my life.”
― Dorothy Parker

“Four be the things I'd have been better without: love, curiosity, freckles and doubt.”
― Dorothy Parker

“Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
Four be the things I'd been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
Three be the things I shall have till I die:
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.”
― Dorothy Parker

“I'm never going to be famous. My name will never be writ large on the roster of those who-do-things. I don't do anything. Not one single thing. I used to bite my nails. But I don't even do that anymore.”
― Dorothy Parker

“I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.”
― Dorothy Parker

“I had been fed, in my youth, a lot of old wives' tales about the way men would instantly forsake a beautiful woman to flock around a brilliant one. It is but fair to say that, after getting out in the world, I had never seen this happen.”
― Dorothy Parker

“There's a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.”
― Dorothy Parker

“If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you.”
― Dorothy Parker

“Drink and dance and laugh and lie, love the reeling midnight through, for tomorrow we shall die (but alas we never do)!”
― Dorothy Parker, The Portable Dorothy Parker

“Time doth flit; oh shit.”
― Dorothy Parker

“Symptom Recital

I do not like my state of mind;
I'm bitter, querulous, unkind.
I hate my legs, I hate my hands,
I do not yearn for lovelier lands.
I dread the dawn's recurrent light;
I hate to go to bed at night.
I snoot at simple, earnest folk.
I cannot take the gentlest joke.
I find no peace in paint or type.
My world is but a lot of tripe.
I'm disillusioned, empty-breasted.
For what I think, I'd be arrested.
I am not sick, I am not well.
My quondam dreams are shot to hell.
My soul is crushed, my spirit sore;
I do not like me any more.
I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse.
I ponder on the narrow house.
I shudder at the thought of men....
I'm due to fall in love again.”
― Dorothy Parker

“If wild my breast and sore my pride,
I bask in dreams of suicide,
If cool my heart and high my head
I think 'How lucky are the dead.”
― Dorothy Parker, The Complete Poems of Dorothy Parker

“So, you're the man who can't spell 'fuck.'"
Dorothy Parker to Norman Mailer after publishers had convinced Mailer to replace the word with a euphemism, 'fug,' in his 1948 book, "The Naked and the Dead.”
― Dorothy Parker

“Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.”
― Dorothy Parker

“It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.”
― Dorothy Parker

“In youth, it was a way I had,
To do my best to please.
And change, with every passing lad
To suit his theories.

But now I know the things I know
And do the things I do,
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you.”
― Dorothy Parker

“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
― Dorothy Parker

“He'll be cross if he sees I have been crying. They don't like you to cry. He doesn't cry. I wish to God I could make him cry. I wish I could make him cry and tread the floor and feel his heart heavy and big and festering in him. I wish I could hurt him like hell.

He doesn't wish that about me. I don't think he even knows how he makes me feel. I wish he could know, without my telling him. They don't like you to tell them they've made you cry. They don't like you to tell them you're unhappy because of them. If you do, they think you're possessive and exacting. And then they hate you. They hate you whenever you say anything you really think. You always have to keep playing little games. Oh, I thought we didn't have to; I thought this was so big I could say whatever I meant. I guess you can't, ever. I guess there isn't ever anything big enough for that.”
― Dorothy Parker

“I'd like to have money. And I'd like to be a good writer. These two can come together, and I hope they will, but if that's too adorable, I'd rather have money.”
― Dorothy Parker

“Brevity is the soul of lingerie.”
― Dorothy Parker

“A little bad taste is like a nice dash of paprika.”
― Dorothy Parker

“Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it and it darts away.”
― Dorothy Parker

“Lady, lady, never start
Conversation toward your heart;
Keep your pretty words serene;
Never murmur what you mean.
Show yourself, by word and look,
Swift and shallow as a brook.
Be as cool and quick to go
As a drop of April snow;
Be as delicate and gay
As a cherry flower in May.
Lady, lady, never speak
Of the tears that burn your cheek-
She will never win him, whose
Words had shown she feared to lose.
Be you wise and never sad,
You will get your lovely lad.
Never serious be, nor true,
And your wish will come to you-
And if that makes you happy, kid,
You'll be the first it ever did.”
― Dorothy Parker

“I might repeat to myself slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound -- if I can remember any of the damn things.”
― Dorothy Parker