Janet Evanovich > Quotes

“Is that a bulletproof vest? See, now that's so insulting. That's like saying I'm not smart enough to shoot you in the head."
Eddie DeChooch”
― Janet Evanovich, Seven Up

“Romance novels are birthday cake and life is often peanut butter and jelly. I think everyone should have lots of delicious romance novels lying around for those times when the peanut butter of life gets stuck to the roof of your mouth.”
― Janet Evanovich

“My professional aspirations were simple - I wanted to be an intergalactic princess.”
― Janet Evanovich

“I make lots of mistakes. I try hard not to make the same mistake more than three or four times.”
― Janet Evanovich, Three to Get Deadly

“Only men you can count on these days are Ben and Jerry.”
― Janet Evanovich

“Nice dress. Take it off.”
― Janet Evanovich

“I like the way you've let your hair go curly," he finally said. "Suits your personality. Lots of energy, not much control, sexy as hell,"
Joe Morelli to Stephanie Plum”
― Janet Evanovich, One For The Money

“I hate mornings. They start so early.”
― Janet Evanovich, Plum Spooky

“I'm telling you, it's fu**ing hard to be classy”
― Janet Evanovich, One For The Money

“In my opinion, the only good spider is a dead spider, and women's rights aren't worth dick if they mean I can't ask a man to do my bug squashing.”
― Janet Evanovich, One For The Money

“He [Ranger] stopped in front of my parents' house, and we both looked to the door. My mother and my grandmother were standing there, watching us.
"I'm not sure I feel comfortable about the way your grandma looks at me," Ranger said.
[Stephanie] "She wants to see you naked."
"I wish you hadn't told me that, babe."
"Everyone I know wants to see you naked."
"And you?"
"Never crossed my mind." I held my breath when I said it, and I hoped God wouldn't stike me down dead for lying.”
― Janet Evanovich, Hard Eight

“I attributed the incidence to temporary insanity, and in my own defense, I'd like to say I haven't run over anyone since.”
― Janet Evanovich, One For The Money

“I'd bitch slap the devil for you.”
― Janet Evanovich

“I wasn't dating anyone. I was fornicating with Batman.”
― Janet Evanovich, Hard Eight

“Either get out of bed or else take your clothes off," he said. "I'm not in the mood to compromise.”
― Janet Evanovich

“Here's a basic difference between Morelli and me. My first thought was always of cake. His first thought was always of sex. Don't get me wrong. I like sex . . . a lot. But it's never going to replace cake.”
― Janet Evanovich, Eleven on Top

“How many times have I told you not to hit people in the face. You kick them in the body where it doesn't show.”
― Janet Evanovich, High Five

“Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.”
― Janet Evanovich, Hard Eight

“Men drive off bridges and drink too much because of women like you.”
― Janet Evanovich

“Babe!”
― Janet Evanovich

“I need to look like an idiot at least twice a day to keep myself humble. ”
― Janet Evanovich, Twelve Sharp

“Truth is, I think naked men are kind of strange looking what with their doodles and ding-dong hanging loose like they do. Nevertheless, there's the curiosity thing. I guess it's another one of those car crash experiences, where you feel compelled to look even if you know you'll be horrified.”
― Janet Evanovich, Seven Up

“One of us should stop her," Ranger said to Morelli, his eyes fixed on me.
"Not going to be me," Morelli said. "Have you ever tried to stop her from doing something she wanted to do?"
"Haven't had much success at it," Ranger said.
Morelli rocked on his heels. "One thing I've learned about Stephanie over the years, she's not good at taking orders."
"Has authority issues," Ranger said.
"And if you piss her off, she'll get even. She ran me over with her father's Buick once and broke my leg."
That got a small smile out of Ranger.
"Nice to see you boys bonding," I said.”
― Janet Evanovich, Twelve Sharp

“Thinking very often resembles napping, but the intent is different. --Stephanie Plum”
― Janet Evanovich, Seven Up

“Some men go a lifetime and never have their kid blow up a car, but I have a daughter who's knocked off three cars and burned down a funeral home. Maybe that's some kind of record.”
― Janet Evanovich, Four to Score

“She'll be back," Ranger said. "But not tonight."
[Stephanie] "How'd you get her to leave?"
"Told her I was gonna spend the next twelve hours ruining you for all other men, and so she might as well go home."
I could feel the heat rush to my face.
Ranger gave me the wolf smile. "I lied about it being tonight," he said.”
― Janet Evanovich, Four to Score

“I ran three miles, staggered into the lobby, and took the elevator back to my apartment. No point to overdoing this exercise junk. --Stephanie Plum”
― Janet Evanovich, Two for the Dough

“Cupcake, your middle name is trouble.”
― Janet Evanovich, Four to Score

“Is there anything else you need from me?" Ranger asked.

"Not right now."

"There will come a time," Ranger said. "Let me know when." And he disconnected.

I opened the freezer and stuck my head in to cool off. If there'd been any more innuendo in that conversation, I could have fried an egg on my forehead.”
― Janet Evanovich

“Honey, a man can't keep his gun in a cookie jar. It just isn't done.”
― Janet Evanovich