"Is that a bulletproof vest? See, now that's so insulting. That's like saying I'm not smart enough to shoot you in the head."
Eddie DeChooch"
— Janet Evanovich (Seven Up)

"Romance novels are birthday cake and life is often peanut butter and jelly. I think everyone should have lots of delicious romance novels lying around for those times when the peanut butter of life gets stuck to the roof of your mouth."
— Janet Evanovich

"my professional aspiratons were simple-I wanted to be an intergalactic princess."
— Janet Evanovich

"Only men you can count on these days are Ben and Jerry."
— Janet Evanovich

"Babe!"
— Janet Evanovich

""I like the way you've let your hair go curly," he finally said. "Suits your personality. Lots of energy, not much control, sexy as hell,"

Joe Morelli to Stephanie Plum"
— Janet Evanovich (One for the Money)

"I wasn't dating anyone. I was fornicating with Batman."
— Janet Evanovich (Hard Eight)

"I'd bitch slap the devil for you."
— Janet Evanovich

"Honey, a man can't keep his gun in a cookie jar. It just isn't done."
— Janet Evanovich

"Nice dress. Take it off."
— Janet Evanovich

"I'm telling you, it's fu**ing hard to be classy"
— Janet Evanovich (One for the Money)

"I attributed the incidence to temporary insanity, and in my own defense, I'd like to say I haven't run over anyone since."
— Janet Evanovich (One for the Money)

"'Is there anything else you need from me' Ranger asked.

'Not right now.'

'There will come a time,' Ranger said. 'Let me know when.' And he disconnected.

I opened the freezer and stuck my head in to cool off. If there'd been any more innuendo in that conversation, I could have fried an egg on my forehead."
— Janet Evanovich (Fearless Fourteen)

"Truth is, I think naked men are kind of strange looking what with their doodles and ding-dong hanging loose like they do. Nevertheless, there's the curiosity thing. I guess it's another one of those car crash experiences, where you feel compelled to look even if you know you'll be horrified."
— Janet Evanovich (Seven Up)

"How many times have I told you not to hit people in the face. You kick them in the body where it doesn't show."
— Janet Evanovich (High Five)

"Men drive off bridges and drink too much because of women like you."
— Janet Evanovich

"Cupcake, your middle name is trouble."
— Janet Evanovich (Four to Score)

""She'll be back," Ranger said. "But not tonight."
[Stephanie] "How'd you get her to leave?"
"Told her I was gonna spend the next twelve hours ruining you for all other men, and so she might as well go home."
I could feel the heat rush to my face.
Ranger gave me the wolf smile. "I lied about it being tonight," he said."
— Janet Evanovich (Four to Score)

"Gotta protect the little dudes. I tried an AK-47, but it wouldn't fit under my seat. I like the Uzi better, anyway. It looks better with the dress. The AK seems too casual to me"
— Janet Evanovich

""I don't need handcuffs to enslave a woman." -Ranger to Stephanie"
— Janet Evanovich (Hard Eight)

"Everyone knows you can't see death cooties. Take my word for it, that couch has the biggest, fattest death cooties that ever existed. That couch has the mother of all death cooties. – Lula "
— Janet Evanovich

"I make lots of mistakes. I try hard not to make the same mistake more than three or four times."
— Janet Evanovich (Three To Get Deadly)

"He [Ranger] stopped in front of my parents' house, and we both looked to the door. My mother and my grandmother were standing there, watching us.
"I'm not sure I feel comfortable about the way your grandma looks at me," Ranger said.
[Stephanie] "She wants to see you naked."
"I wish you hadn't told me that, babe."
"Everyone I know wants to see you naked."
"And you?"
"Never crossed my mind." I held my breath when I said it, and I hoped God wouldn't stike me down dead for lying."
— Janet Evanovich (Hard Eight)

"I had an alarm, I had nerve gas, I had a yogurt. What more could anyone want?"
— Janet Evanovich (One for the Money)

"You're a lunatic. You ran me over with a goddamn Buick."
— Janet Evanovich (One for the Money)

"I looked over at him. 'Is that a proposal?'

There was total silence for a couple beats. 'I'm not sure. It just popped out.'

'Let me know when you're sure.'

'Would you say yes?' Morelli asked.

'I'm not sure.'"
— Janet Evanovich (Fearless Fourteen)

""Babe," Ranger said. "You're looking a little strung out. Is there anything I should know?"
"I'm on a sugar withdrawal. I've given up desert and it's all I can think about." That had been true five minutes ago. Now that Ranger was standng in front of me I was thinking a cupcake wasn't what I actually needed.
"Maybe I can help you get your mind off doughnuts," Ranger said.
My mouth dropped open, and I think some drool might have dribbled out."
— Janet Evanovich

"'Omigod,' I said on a sudden flash of sleep-deprived insight. 'You're the big bad wolf.'
'There are some similarities.'"
— Janet Evanovich (Twelve Sharp)

"'I see you looking at my cookies,' my father said to Morelli. 'Don't even think about it. Go get your own cookies.'"
— Janet Evanovich (Twelve Sharp)

"I ran three miles, staggered into the lobby, and took the elevator back to my apartment. No point to overdoing this exercise junk. --Stephanie Plum"
— Janet Evanovich (Two for the Dough)

"Thinking very often resembles napping, but the intent is different. --Stephanie Plum"
— Janet Evanovich (Seven Up)

"Some men go a lifetime and never have their kid blow up a car, but I have a daughter who's knocked off three cars and burned down a funeral home. Maybe that's some kind of record."
— Janet Evanovich (Four to Score)

"Its always nice to have a stud muffin at the table."
— Janet Evanovich (Three To Get Deadly)

""I met a real looker. He picked me up at the two dollar slot machines, so you know he's no cheapskate."
Grandma Mazur"
— Janet Evanovich (Four to Score)

"'Babe,' Ranger said. 'Do something with her.'

And he disconnected.

I called Ranger back. 'No,' I said. 'And I need information on Jelly Kantner. His apartment got blown up, and I need to find him.'

'And I should do this why?'

'Because you like me.'

There was a full beat of silence. 'I do,' Ranger said. 'I like you a lot. Sometimes I'm not sure why. Give me a couple minutes.'"
— Janet Evanovich (Fearless Fourteen)

""One of us should stop her," Ranger said to Morelli, his eyes fixed on me.
"Not going to be me," Morelli said. "Have you ever tried to stop her from doing something she wanted to do?"
"Haven't had much success at it," Ranger said.
Morelli rocked on his heels. "One thing I've learned about Stephanie over the years, she's not good at taking orders."
"Has authority issues," Ranger said.
"And if you piss her off, she'll get even. She ran me over with her father's Buick once and broke my leg."
That got a small smile out of Ranger.
"Nice to see you boys bounding," I said."
— Janet Evanovich (Twelve Sharp)

""If she wasn't your grandmother I'd shoot her."
Ranger"
— Janet Evanovich (Hot Six)

"Arson is a respected profession among certain subcultures in Jersey, and the good ones don't get caught. The good ones channel lightning and mysterious acts of spontaneous combustion."
— Janet Evanovich (Twelve Sharp)

"The elevator doors opened, and Ranger stepped out and spied Tank stretched out on the carpet.
"Fainted," I said.
Ranger walked to Tank and stood hands on hips, staring down at him. "Tank doesn't faint. I've been in firefights with him. He's a rock."
"Well, the rock fainted.""
— Janet Evanovich (Fearless Fourteen)

"He [Ranger] peeled my [Stephanie] clothes off and wrangled me into bed. And then suddenly he was inside me. He once told me that time spent with him would ruin me for all other men. When he said it, I thought it was an outrageous threat. I no longer though it outrageous."
— Janet Evanovich (Hard Eight)

""I need mood music. I gotta get myself ready to kick butt."
Lula - High Five"
— Janet Evanovich (High Five)

"Maybe next time we just open the door and start out with some bitch slapping."
— Janet Evanovich (Three To Get Deadly)

"'You could be the Mega Mage of wizards. You could rule Minionfire.
'Do you really think so?'
'Yeah, but you'd have to make a deal with the wood elves.'
I don't like the wood elves.'
'They're okay. They're misunderstood.'"
— Janet Evanovich

"""I don't have a lot of domestic instincts," Ranger said to me, his attention fixing on the unidentifiable glob in my hair, "but I have a real strong urge to take you home and hose you down."
I went dry mouth. Connie bit into her lower lip, and Lula fanned herself with a file.""
— Janet Evanovich (Eleven on Top)

"Ranger locked eyes with me. "Please," he said.
Tank and Hal were goggle-eyed. They weren't used to "please." I wasn't used to it either. But I liked it.
"Okay," I said. "Be careful. He's insane.""
— Janet Evanovich

"Either get out of bed or else take your clothes off," he said. "I'm not in the mood to compromise."
— Janet Evanovich

""If I gave you a pity position it wouldn't be in my office." -Ranger"
— Janet Evanovich (Eleven on Top)

"I am not menopausal. I just wanted half an hour alone. Is that too much to ask? A crappy half hour!"
— Janet Evanovich

""Good thing he's dead," Lula said, "or that would have hurt like the devil."
"
— Janet Evanovich (Hot Six)

"Exercise improves your sex life.
Ranger to Stephanie"
— Janet Evanovich (Three To Get Deadly)