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Chelsea Handler quotes (showing 1-30 of 128)

“There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.”
Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
“At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.”
Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
“I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.”
Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
“Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.”
Chelsea Handler
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”
Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
“My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.”
Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
“I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.”
Chelsea Handler
“Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it's all you can do to take a breath? It's a pain you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy; you wouldn't want to pass it on to anyone else for fear he or she might not be able to bear it. It's the pain of being betrayed by a person with whom you've fallen in love. It's not as serious as death, but it feels a whole lot like it, and as I've come to learn, pain is pain any way you slice it.”
Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
“You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.”
Chelsea Handler
“Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.”
Chelsea Handler
“My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.”
Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
“I rolled over and picked up Us Weekly magazine off the floor. The cover had a picture of Angelina, Brad, and their little Eskimo son, Maddox. I saw staring at the photo, wondering why this little boy looks so pissed off in every picture.

At first I thought he was just pissed about his Mohawk, but then I realized he’s probably furious. Maddox must have thought he hit the jackpot when some A-list celebrity rescued him from third-world Cambodia, only to discover that she was going to shuffle him back and for the to EVERY other third-world country in the universe. He’s probably like, 'When the fuck are we gonna get to Malibu, bitch?”
Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
“Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.”
Chelsea Handler
“My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.”
Chelsea Handler, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang
“It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.”
Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
“I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.”
Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
“Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately stats text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.

Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea”
Chelsea Handler
“My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It's like a boyfriend who wants to break up. We all know the old adage "If you set someone free, and he never comes back, then he was never yours." I understand the main fear with setting dogs loose is they could get hit by a car, but so could an ex boyfriend. That's just a chance you have to take.”
Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
“...some of the best sex I can barely remember.”
Chelsea Handler
“Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.”
Chelsea Handler, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang
“Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look 'more together.”
Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
“My father has a high opinion of his opinion”
Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
“Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.”
Chelsea Handler, Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me
“Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours of the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. "Fun for who?" I wanted to ask. I had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink.”
Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
“I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.”
Chelsea Handler
“I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.”
Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
“I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.”
Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
“He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.”
Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
“Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?”
Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
“I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.”
Chelsea Handler

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