quotes by Chelsea Handler

"There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers."
— Chelsea Handler (My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands)

""At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer."
"
— Chelsea Handler (My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands)

"Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home."
— Chelsea Handler

"Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family."
— Chelsea Handler (Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea)

"My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house."
— Chelsea Handler (My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands)

""I rolled over and picked up Us Weekly magazine off the floor. The cover had a picture of Angelina, Brad, and their little Eskimo son, Maddox. I saw staring at the photo, wondering why this little boy looks so pissed off in every picture.

At first I thought he was just pissed about his Mohawk, but then I realized he’s probably furious. Maddox must have thought he hit the jackpot when some A-list celebrity rescued him from third-world Cambodia, only to discover that she was going to shuffle him back and for the to EVERY other third-world country in the universe. He’s probably like, “When the fuck are we gonna get to Malibu, bitch?”

Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea"
— Chelsea Handler

"I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people."
— Chelsea Handler

"Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately stats text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.

Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea"
— Chelsea Handler

"...some of the best sex I can barely remember."
— Chelsea Handler

"I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order."
— Chelsea Handler

"He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week."
— Chelsea Handler (Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea)

"The part that wasn't a jackpot was his baseball mound of red pibic hair that looked like it had literally been attached with a glue gun. I couldn't believe how much there was, andwondered how he had never heard of scissors, or--more appropriate for that kind of growth--hedge trimmers. I didn't understand what porn he was watching to not be aware of the trimming that was happening all across the world amoung his compatriots. I'm not a finicky personwhen it comes to pubic hair maintenance and I certainly don't expect men to shave it all off, leaving themselces to look like a hairless cat. That's even creepier then than seeing what Austin had, which could really only be compared to one thing: A clown in a leg lock."
— Chelsea Handler (Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea)

"I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends."
— Chelsea Handler (My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands)

"Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men."
— Chelsea Handler

"There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers."
— Chelsea Handler

"It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus."
— Chelsea Handler (Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea)