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Garrison Keillor quotes (showing 1-30 of 70)

“Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.”
Garrison Keillor
“Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.”
Garrison Keillor
“A book is a gift you can open again and again.”
Garrison Keillor
“I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it. ”
Garrison Keillor
tags: life
“Nothing you do for children is ever wasted.”
Garrison Keillor, Leaving Home
“When in doubt, look intelligent.”
Garrison Keillor
“Thank you, dear God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough.”
Garrison Keillor, Leaving Home
“You get old and you realize there are no answers, just stories.”
Garrison Keillor, Pontoon: A Novel of Lake Wobegon
tags: age
“The French have a new president, the British will soon have a new P.M., and we envy them as we endure the endless wait for this small dim man to go back to Texas and resume his life.”
Garrison Keillor
“One reads books in order to gain the privilege of living more than one life. People who don't read are trapped in a mine shaft, even if they think the sun is shining.”
Garrison Keillor
“Librarians, Dusty, possess a vast store of politeness. These are people who get asked regularly the dumbest questions on God's green earth. These people tolerate every kind of crank and eccentric and mouth breather there is.”
Garrison Keillor, Dusty and Lefty: The Lives of the Cowboys
“A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded gun on your coffee table- There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about.”
Garrison Keillor
“A young writer is easily tempted by the allusive and ethereal and ironic and reflective, but the declarative is at the bottom of most good writing.”
Garrison Keillor
“Evelyn was an insomniac so when they say she died in her sleep, you have to question that.”
Garrison Keillor, Pontoon: A Novel of Lake Wobegon
“God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.”
Garrison Keillor, Happy to Be Here
“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.”
Garrison Keillor, Leaving Home
“It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars.”
Garrison Keillor
“That's the news from Lake Woebegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.”
Garrison Keillor
“Life is unjust and this is what makes it so beautiful. Every day is a gift. Be brave and take hold of it.”
Garrison Keillor
“Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.”
Garrison Keillor
tags: food, sex
“Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known. ”
Garrison Keillor, Lake Wobegon U.S.A.
“I've seen the truth, and it makes no sense.”
Garrison Keillor
“Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.”
Garrison Keillor
“The most un-American thing you can say is, 'You can't say that.”
Garrison Keillor
“And then I stand in front of God's Throne squinting up at His blazing glory and He says, 'You had your opportunities, boy. But did you listen? No. You went on heedlesly reading that garbagey magazine with pictures of naked girls in it. How juvenile! I gave geese more sense than that.'

Please, God. I'm only fourteen years old. A teenager. Have mercy. Be loving.

I was,' says God. 'For eons. And look at what it got me. You.'

God turns in disgust, just the way Daddy does. 'Sorry, but I'm the Creator. I take it personally. There are slugs and bugs and night-crawlers I feel better about having created - I mean, there are sparrows - I've got my eye on one right now. Is that sparrow consumed with lust? No. He mates in the spring and that's the end of it. Consider the lilies. Do they think about lily tits all the time? No. They look not and they lust not, and yet I say unto you that you will never be half as attractive as they. Therefore, I say unto you, think not about peckers and boobs and all that nonsense and your Heavenly Father will see that you meet a good woman and marry her, just as I do for the sparrow and walleye - yea verily, even the night-crawler and the eelpout. But I've told you this over and over for nineteen centuries. And now, verily, it's too late. Time's up, buster. Lights out! Game's over!”
Garrison Keillor
“My generation was secretive, brooding, ambitious, show-offy, and this generation is congenial. Totally. I imagine them walking around with GPS chips that notify them when a friend is in the vicinity, and their GPSes guide them to each other in clipped electronic lady voices and they sit down side by side in a coffee shop and text-message each other while checking their e-mail and hopping and skipping around Facebook to see who has posted pictures of their weekend.”
Garrison Keillor
tags: humor
“Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.”
Garrison Keillor, Good Poems
“They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.”
Garrison Keillor, Good Poems for Hard Times
“It is a sin to believe evil of others but it is seldom a mistake.”
Garrison Keillor
“Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people.”
Garrison Keillor, We Are Still Married: Stories & Letters

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