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Jerry Seinfeld quotes (showing 1-30 of 48)

“If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason”
Jerry Seinfeld
“A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.”
Jerry Seinfeld, SeinLanguage
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.”
Jerry Seinfeld
tags: pets
“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.
Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst. ”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“It s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.”
Jerry Seinfeld
tags: humor
“And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman.”
Jerry Seinfeld, Halloween
“The best revenge is living well.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“I don't wanna be a Pirate!!!!”
Jerry Seinfeld
“When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. ”
Jerry Seinfeld
“No soup for you”
Jerry Seinfeld
“You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day”
Jerry Seinfeld
tags: humor
“You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
tags: humor
“Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.”
Jerry Seinfeld

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