Jennifer Crusie > Quotes

“If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to be a horrible warning."
-Gwen Goodnight”
― Jennifer Crusie, Faking It

“Nobody in my life has ever known me the way you do. Nobody in my life has ever made me feel as good as you do. You know me, you know everything about me, and when you leave me, you're going to be leaving the real me, the me nobody else has ever seen, that's who you're going to be rejecting.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me

“I'm Min's fairy godmother, Charm Boy,' Liza said, frowning down at him. 'And if you don't give her a happily ever after, I'm going to come back and beat you to death with a snow globe.'

What happened to "bibbity bobbity boo"?' Cal asked Min.

That was Disney, honey,' Min said. 'It wasn't a documentary.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me

“You want sensitive and understanding, stick with the therapist.You want great,
headbanging sex, get off the fucking phone and come with me.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Welcome to Temptation

“Heartache often drives us to consume things we wouldn't otherwise, such as an entire pint of Caramel Pecan Perfection high-fat ice cream, covered in ganache, the crack cocaine of frozed dairy. Twelve hundred calories per pint, six hundred and eighty of which are fat calories, but is only dulls the pain for the moment, there's that carb fog while you're standing at the sink shoving it in your face, and then it's over and you feel...used. Like a cheap pickup the Dove people seduced and abandoned in your kitchen, leaving you with sticky hands and an empty cup and a still-broken heart, except now you're mad at Dove, too.”
― Jennifer Crusie

“If you can't be a good example, then be a terrible warning.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Faking It

“Values aren't buses... They're not supposed to get you anywhere. They're supposed to define who you are.”
― Jennifer Crusie

“Statistics show that men are interested in three things: careers, sports, and sex. That's why they love professional cheerleaders."
Cal put down his fork "Well, that's sexist."
"Yes i know," she said. "But it's true isn't it?"
"What?" Cal tried to find his place in the conversation. "Oh, the sports and sex thing? Not at all. This is the twenty-first century. We've learned how to be sensitive."
"You have?"
"Sure," Cal said. "Otherwise we wouldn't get laid.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me

“Everybody's crooked. The trick is to find out how they're bent.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Faking It

“His sentences didn't seem to have any verbs, which was par for a politician. All nouns, no action. ”
― Jennifer Crusie, Charlie All Night

“Broaden your horizons. They're the only ones you'll ever have, so make the suckers as wide as possible.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Anyone But You

“Emilio appeared with wine before Cal could say anything, and Min beamed at him, grateful for the rescue. "Emilio, my darling. I forgot to mention cake boxes. Two hundred cake boxes."
"Already on it," Emilio said. "Nonna said you'd need them. She said to get four-inch-square boxes for three-inch-square cakes."
"I'm getting the boxes," Min said, nodding. "Sure. Great. Fine. Your grandmother is an angel and you are my hero. And of course, a genius with food."
"And you are my favorite customer." Emilio kissed her cheek and disappeared back into the kitchen.
"I love him," she told Cal.
"I noticed," Cal said. "Been seeing him behind my back, have you?"
"Yes," Min said. "We've been having conversations about cake."
"Whoa," Cal said. "For you, that's talking dirty.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me

“You've lived in America for twenty years. Eat badly, damn it.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Faking It

“Nothing but good times ahead.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Welcome to Temptation

“Life must be understood backward, but it must be lived forward.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Anyone But You

“This is making me crazy. I hate relying on other people to save me, I hate being clingy, I hate it, and every time you show up, I lean on you. - Matilda Scarlet Veronica Betty Vilma Goodnight”
― Jennifer Crusie, Faking It

“That's a movie quote, right? You know, if you do that with books, people think you're intelligent."
Sophie lowered her chin. "If this is your pathetic attempt to seduce me again, you're falling miserably."
"I don't seduce woman." Phin shoved back his chair and stood up. "They fall into my open arms."
"Clumsy of them.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Welcome to Temptation

“Dempseys are never in trouble. We just have stretches of life that are more interesting than others.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Faking It

“I'll never forget my first time with you' Min said as she edged the doughnut off her finger. 'The earth moved, and then my mother asked my father who he was going down on at lunch.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me

“Any instructions?” Carpenter said.
“Yeah,” Shane said. “Shoot anybody who looks at Agnes funny. And anybody else you don’t like. I’m getting tired of this shi*.”
“Somebody needs a hug,” Carpenter said.
“Humor,” Shane said. “Har.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman

“It's a good thing he broke up with you because now you're free for when the right man finds you. Your prince is on his way."
"Right. I'm sure he was on his way but a truck hit him.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me

“It was a lot easier when we could just brand'em," Ben said. "Then everybody'd know not to mess with our womenfolk.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Manhunting

“I could shove this swizzle stick through his heart, Min thought. She would'nt do it, of course. The stick was plastic and not nearly pointed enough on the end.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me

“Very few people mate for life with the people they fall for at twelve. Doesn't mean is isn't real, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, doesn't mean it doesn't matter, but basically, we're talking a practice swing in the big game of love.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Faking It

“Bet you ten bucks we make it."

What are the odds? she thought, and realized with sudden, blinding clarity that she wouldn't take the other side of that bet, that only a loser would bet against them. This is really it, she thought, amazed. This is really forever. I believe in this.

"Min?" he said, and she kissed him, putting all her heart into it.

"No bet," she said against his mouth. "Your odds are too good."

"Our odds are too good”
― Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me

“Look, Mother, I am never going to be thin.
I'm Norwegian. If you wanted a thin daughter, you should not have married a man whose female ancestors carried cows home from the pasture”
― Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me

“Say, ‘Thank you, Phin.’ ”
“Oh, please.”
“Say, Thank youvery much, Phin. ”
“I don’t think so.”
“Say, ‘You are a great lover, Phin.’ ”
“I’m out of here.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Welcome to Temptation

“And why do you want to be near me?"
Because you're all I can think about, day and night. I don't know what the hell is going on with us; I only know I can't get rid of it. I don't care if you're batshit insane and think you're the reincarnation of Cleopatra. I hear voices; you hear dogs. We'll work it out. Maybe get a discount on therapy.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Dogs and Goddesses

“Feel no guilt. Getting married and giving birth does not mean that you have sold your life away to perfectly healthy people who can get their own damn socks.”
― Jennifer Crusie

“When Eve ate the apple her knowledge increased. But God liked dumb women so Paradise ceased. Gwen Goodnight. Her Work.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Faking It

“It's not a problem. There are people out there with much worse problems than mine."-Cynthia
"Doesn't make yours any more fun to bear."-Liza
"No. But it does help with the self-pity."- Cynthia”
― Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me

“As far as I'm concerned the last good man went when Elvis died.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me

“Can we go to work now? Because we're about a minute away from breaking out the
ice cream and talking about our feelings, and I don't think we can come back from that.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me

“I'll be right behind you"
behind her? Thirty-two steps with him looking at her butt?
"No, you wont."
"Look, it's late, i'm tired, can we just-"
"it'll be a cold day in hell when you follow me up those steps. You want to go up, you go first."
"Why?" he said mystified
"you're not looking at my rear end all the way up that hill."
Cal sighed and took the first step. "wait a minute. Now you'll be looking at my butt all the way up the steps."
"yes but you probably have a great butt," Min said. "it's an entirely different dynamic.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me

“no more pep talks about believing in toads," Liza said.
"Don't they turn into princeses when you kiss them?" Bonnie said.
"Thats frogs," Liza Said. "Entirely different species.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me

“What i'm trying to tell you," Min said, "is that im going to grow up to be one of those chubby old ladies. It's in my genes. Like self raising flour. i'm going to pouf."
"thats going to work out well for me," Cal said. "because i'm going to grow up to be one of those horny old men who chases chubby old ladies around the couch.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me

“Look, I'm not ready for you," Min said. "I'm not prepared. I don't have any defenses when you're around. I make these plans and I mean it, I really do, and then I kiss you because I'm crazy about you which would be fine if I didn't fall in love with you but there that is, just standing there, and you know it, you know you've got me.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me

“You have to open up to the world and learn optimism...Contentment with the past, happiness with the present, and hope for the future. Learned optimisim.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman

“Well, I know better what I don’t want. I don’t want somebody who’s always nagging me to be something I’m not. And I don’t want somebody who thinks she knows what’s best for me and who maneuvers around trying to get me to do things her way.”

Kate frowned. “Nobody wants anyone like that. It’s like saying, ‘I don’t want someone who’ll poke me in the eye with a sharp stick.’ Forget what you don’t want. What do you want?”
― Jennifer Crusie, Manhunting

“Dead woman are not romantic,' Sophie said flatly.

'Okay, she's not dead,' Phin said. 'The bear ate her, and she came her brains out.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Welcome to Temptation

“Your cat just got cat hair on me.” “It’s only fair,” Min said. “Your suit just got expensive suit lint on him.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me

“He loved her all he could; but he couldn't love her very much.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Wild Ride

“If you haven't failed, you're not trying hard enough.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Trust Me on This

“Part of being a writer is defending your vision and not caving in to outside pressures.”
― Jennifer Crusie

“Where were all the women gamblers? It wasn't as if being a woman wasn't a huge risk all by itself. Twenty-eight percent of female homocide victims were killed by husbands or lovers.

Which, come to think of it, was probably why there weren't any women gamblers. Living with men was enough of a gamble.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me

“That’s not a father. That’s a sperm
donor. Forget him. He’s a mess. Concentrate on me. I’m terrific. (Linc Blaise)”
― Jennifer Crusie, The Cinderella Deal

“I like my afterglow with you in motion. I measure time by how your body sways.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Fast Women

“He was not looking forward to breaking the law. He was straight now. He'd matured. Crime no longer excited him.

What?' Ronald said.

I didn't say anything.'

You're breathing heavy.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Faking It

“Wonder of wonders, the box had Elvis. Immediately the bar seemed a better place. She fed in coins and then punched the keys for "Hound Dog." Too bad Elvis had never recorded one called "Dickhead.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me

“Well, you won't unless you come to lunch with me," Cal said. "I'm holding it for ransom. There's a gun
to its heel right now."
"I have lunch at my desk," Min began, and thought,Oh, for crying out loud, could I beany more
pathetic ?
"Emilio is experimenting with a lunch menu. He needs you. I need you.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me