Jordan Sonnenblick > Quotes

“It's amazing--my parents call everything a discussion. If I were standing across the street, firing a bazooka at my mother, while my father was launching mortar back at me, and Jeffery was charging down the driveway with a grenade in his teeth, my parents would say we should stop having this public "discussion".”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Drums, Girls & Dangerous Pie

“Instead of agonizing about the things you can't change, why don't you try working on the things you can change”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Drums, Girls & Dangerous Pie

“Note to self: It's hard to attain a state of no-mind when you're incredibly pumped up on tea and sugar and have to urinate every three and a half minutes.”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Zen and the Art of Faking It

“Who’s that?
That’s the King.
Who’s he?
The Duke.
Who’s she?
The Princess.
What do they call you?
The Count.
What does that make me?
Umm…how about the Peasant?
And the name stuck.”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Drums, Girls & Dangerous Pie

“Did you really JUST fall, Jeffrey?
Why does everybody in my family talk in these dramatic CAPITAL LETTERS all the time? Why am I the only calm one?”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Drums, Girls & Dangerous Pie

“Steven, I look like a raccoon.
You do NOT look like a raccoon.
Actually, he looked like some deranged anteater, but I didn’t figure that would be the thing to tell him.
Yes, I do. Oh, no. What if I stay this way forever?
You’re not going to stay that way forever, Jeffy. People get black eyes all the time. If they never got better, the streets would be crowded with raccoon people. Soon the raccoon people would find each other and breed.
I was on a roll here.
The preschools would fill up with strange ring-eyed children. Soon the raccoons would be taking over our streets, stealing from our garbage cans, leaving eerie tails of Dinty Moore beef stew cams in their wakes. Gangs of them would haunt the malls, buying up all the black-and-gray-striped sportswear. THE RIVERS WOULD RISE! THE VALLEYS WOULD RUN WITH…
Steven you’re joking, right?”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Drums, Girls & Dangerous Pie

“I seriously think I could have sat in the middle of the kitchen floor rubbing two sticks together over a pile of dynamite blocks and gasoline cans, and my parents would be oblivious, as long as I was keeping myself occupied.”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Drums, Girls & Dangerous Pie

“What do you call a planet where bad guys stroll through life with success draped around their shoulders like a King’s cloak, while random horrors are visited upon the innocent heads of children? I call it Earth.”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Drums, Girls & Dangerous Pie

“Rehearsals and practice times by myself are like these little islands of 'Okay' in a vast sea of 'Holy Crap!”
― Jordan Sonnenblick

“I dove on those papers like Sherlock Holmes on a cappuccino binge.”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Drums, Girls & Dangerous Pie

“Some kids do drugs. Some kids light stuff on fire. Me, I eat oats.”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, After Ever After

“A typical weeknight when he was home like this:

1. Sit down and try to do homework.
2. Get interrupted by Jeffrey: “Please play with me!”
3. Ignore brother, try to do homework.
4. Get interrupted by Jeffrey: “Come ON, Steven! I’m BORED!”
5. Beg Jeffrey for five minutes of peace.
6. Get begged for five minutes of play: “Steven, you never, ever play with me—ever!”
7. Move entire homework operations center to different room.
8. Repeat steps #1-7 as directed by small drugged maniac.”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Drums, Girls & Dangerous Pie

“This was the kid who used to toddle over to my bed at 6 o’ clock in the morning every weekend morning to pull on my blankets so I’d get up and watch cartoons with him. This was the kid who once made me play Hungry Hungry Hippos for an hour straight, until I thought my hands were going to fall off from slamming down those dumb little levers to make the hippos’ heads move. This was the kid who had spent an entire days at a time begging me to play Chutes and Ladders with him. And now he was feeling too sick to play with me.”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Drums, Girls & Dangerous Pie

“Chicks dig a dude who’s sporting the latest eggplant turtleneck styles.”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Drums, Girls & Dangerous Pie

“If you promise you will get better instead of dying, I promise I will, too.”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Drums, Girls & Dangerous Pie

“It was like seeing Bill Gates at age thirteen, times two. And half of him was wearing a cheerleader uniform. Yes, I know that’s a weird image.”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Drums, Girls & Dangerous Pie

“Oh, good lord, Jeff. Don't go getting all emotional on me. I've been getting it from my mom, my dad, my sister, the freaking MAILMAN--I don't need it from you, too. All I ask is that you promise me one thing.'
'What?'
'Just water the plants while I'm gone, all right?'
'You don't have plants, Tad.'
'I know. I just always wanted to say that.”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, After Ever After

“Steven, I know I phrased that as a question, but it was really a command.
Yes, but mine is…ummm…private.
Private, Steven?
Yes, Miss Palma.
PRIVATE Steven?
Again with the capital letters?”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Drums, Girls & Dangerous Pie

“You look like a handsome young man…although you might want to zip your fly.
Mom!
What? Should I have not told you and left it for everyone else to notice at the dance?”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Drums, Girls & Dangerous Pie

“There are really no guidelines whatsoever, because this is the kind of thing that only happens to ME.”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Notes from the Midnight Driver

“I tucked him in with his stuffed-animal pet dog—cleverly named Dog-Dog, by the way.”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Drums, Girls & Dangerous Pie

“Take care, Jeffy. I’ll see you soon, right? Just remember not to throw food at the nurses. I don’t want to get any complaint calls, OK?
Steven, I don’t throw food at…oh, that was a joke, right?
Yup, buddy boy. It was a joke. But seriously, no kissing the nurses on the lips, either. It messes up their makeup.
Eeeeeeewwwww!”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Drums, Girls & Dangerous Pie

“Me: Well, you see, I, uh, I'm a cancer survivor.
Person #1: And how's that working out for you?

Me: Well, you see, I, uh, used to have leukemia.
Person #2: Dude, how come you're not, like, BALD?

Me: Well, you see, I, uh, I had acute lymphocytic lymphoma when I was five.
Person #3: Whoa. THAT must'a sucked. I once had my tonsils out...”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, After Ever After

“Not fair? Oh, I'm sorry I get this lovely laptop computing device when all you get is the ability to walk, control your hands, and know you'll survive until your eighteenth birthday." Then the kid was going, "Uh, I didn't mean..." But Tad wasn't done yet. While the whole class watched in horror, he put his hands through the metal support braces on the arms of his wheelchair and forced himself to stand up. Then he took a shaky little step to the side, gestured toward the chair, and said, "Why don't you take a turn with the laptop? You can even have my seat.”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, After Ever After

“And if there was one thing I'd finally figured out, it was that your mind is something you always CAN change.”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Drums, Girls & Dangerous Pie

“Well your mom was right, in a way.
What do you mean?
He DID fall, right? So he wasn’t safe on the stool.
Thanks, Annette. Thanks a lot. That’s exactly what I needed to hear right now. You’re a very inspiring person, you know that?”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Drums, Girls & Dangerous Pie

“Finally the kitchen clock said 5:17. It was time to roll out. I shouted for my mom, woke Jeffrey up, ran upstairs, changed into my concert clothes, put on my shoes, and was standing by the door to the garage by 5:19—chanting “Let’s go! Come on!” (Feel free to try that at home, by the way; moms love it!)”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Drums, Girls & Dangerous Pie

“You are a wonderful son, and a wonderful man.
Yet another parent busting forth with the “man” thing! I’d have to check my chest for signs of hair when I got home.”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Drums, Girls & Dangerous Pie

“...my little blurb wasn't going to win me any speaker-of-the-year awards, but at least I hadn't tripped and fallen off the stage, crushing and killing three elderly jazz fans.”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Notes from the Midnight Driver

“You can be our critic. Would you dig that? (Yes, he was the last Man in America who could say “dig” with a straight face without referring to the process of using a tool to remove dirt from the ground.)”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Drums, Girls & Dangerous Pie

“Annette had kissed me.
Who would’a thunk it?”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Drums, Girls & Dangerous Pie

“He said he "admired our courage" but didn't want to see us do anything to "damage our promising futures." He felt "proud as an American" that we had "exercised our right to peaceful free expression." But if we did it again, he didn't "know what action the state board of education might take against individual students."
Translation: You've had your fun. Now sit down, shut up, and take the freakin' test. Or else.”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, After Ever After

“Tattitude: Wow, Jeff, who's the babe?

Dangerous_pie: Your mom.

Tattitude: No, the one three feet away from you.

Dangerous_pie: Oh, that's Lindsey Abraham. I had her flown in from California for my personal amusement. You can look at her if you want, though.

Tattitude: Sweet. But have you talked to her yet?

Dangerous_pie: Uh-huh. We're really close.

Tattitude: Intro me?

Dangerous_pie: After class.

Tattitude: Duh.

Just then, I noticed that a large shadow had fallen over my screen. I couldn't even bear to look up as Mr. Laurenzano said, "Thaddeus Ibsen, Lindsey Abraham. Lindsey, Thaddeus. There, you've been introduced. NOW can I teach some science?"
Wow, it looked like this was going to be my year for unusual teachers.”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, After Ever After

“Hi, Tad!' she said. 'Hi, Jeff! Hey, I'm not interrupting anything, am I?'
'Uh, no,' I said. 'We were just...I mean, Tad was...uh, nope.'
'So what were you guys talking about?'
'Well,' I said, 'it's very complicated. We were discussing...umm...hats. You know, hats. Like, the head kind.'
'There's another kind?' Lindsey asked.
'Hey, Jeff?' Tad said. 'If your mom needs any evidence to prove that you're retarded, let me know. I'd be glad to record you talking to Lindsey. I'm pretty sure that would do the trick.”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, After Ever After

“Or maybe...their biggest fear is that they will get close to you again, and you'll go and drop dead.”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, After Ever After

“Not, like, that, boychik, you sound like a herd of elephants charging through a music store.”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Notes from the Midnight Driver

“(Yes teenage boys who are fine always cry on their mothers’ shoulders until they leave a snot trail.)”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Drums, Girls & Dangerous Pie

“I’ll probably just stand in a corner, trying not to be noticed, until the decoration committee accidentally packs me into a box at the end of the night. There I will lie, crammed in between rolls of crepe paper, until the New Year’s dance two months from now.
Jeffrey thought about this for a moment and said, Won’t they notice the box is too heavy when they go to put it away?”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Drums, Girls & Dangerous Pie

“The only time I can ever remember Steven crying over any of it was after my treatment, when I tried to use my foot on his bass drum pedal, and we realized I could never play a drum set.”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, After Ever After

“Renee was beautiful, but she was my friend now. On the other hand, Annette was my friend, but now she was beautiful. makes about as much sense as anything ever does with girls”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Drums, Girls & Dangerous Pie

“Mr. Watras asked me whether I was practicing, and I told him I was practicing my tissue basketball skills.”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Drums, Girls & Dangerous Pie

“He also said that if anyone did anything to mess up the rest of the testing, he was going to call 911 personally.
Yeah, like that wouldn't make it into the nightly news again: WHEELCHAIR-BOUND CANCER PATIENT ARRESTED FOR FREE SPEECH.”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, After Ever After

“GET ON THE TREADMILL!”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, After Ever After

“It was a cheesy cheeseball, covered with Cheez Whiz and served on a bed of Cheez-Its. With a side of queso.”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, After Ever After