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Steven Wright quotes (showing 1-30 of 213)

“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”
Steven Wright
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”
Steven Wright
“If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”
Steven Wright
“If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
Steven Wright
“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”
Steven Wright
“If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”
Steven Wright
“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”
Steven Wright
“What's another word for thesaurus?”
Steven Wright
“The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”
Steven Wright
“If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”
Steven Wright
“There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”
Steven Wright
“When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.”
Steven Wright
“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”
Steven Wright
“When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.”
Steven Wright
“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.”
Steven Wright
“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”
Steven Wright
“I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”
Steven Wright
“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”
Steven Wright
“I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”
Steven Wright
“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”
Steven Wright
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”
Steven Wright
“I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.”
Steven Wright
“Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.”
Steven Wright
“I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.”
Steven Wright
“It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.”
Steven Wright
“The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?”
Steven Wright
“You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.”
Steven Wright
“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”
Steven Wright
“I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.”
Steven Wright
“I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.”
Steven Wright

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