"People, generally, suck."
— Christopher Moore

"If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them."
— Christopher Moore (Practical Demonkeeping)

"Don't be ridiculous, Charlie, people love the parents who beat their kids in department stores. It's the ones who just let their kids wreak havoc that everybody hates."
— Christopher Moore (A Dirty Job)

"There's some heinous fuckery goin' on mon."
— Christopher Moore (Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings)

"If you have come to these pages for laughter, may you find it.
If you are here to be offended, may your ire rise and your blood boil.
If you seek an adventure, may this song sing you away to blissful escape.
If you need to test or confirm your beliefs, may you reach comfortable conclusions.
All books reveal perfection, by what they are or what they are not.
May you find that which you seek, in these pages or outside them.
May you find perfection, and know it by name."
— Christopher Moore (Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal)

"Blessed are the dumbfucks."
— Christopher Moore (Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal)

""Nobody's perfect. Well, there was this one guy, but we killed him....""
— Christopher Moore (Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal)

"You think you know how this story is going to end, but you don't."
— Christopher Moore (Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal)

"Stephanie Meyers: Her vampires are sparkly. Which I think we can all agree is wrong."
— Christopher Moore

"Stop," I said. "Please do not further endorken yourself to me. You have great hair and a car that is most fly, and you have just saved me with your mad ninja driving skills, so do not sully your heroic hottie image in my mind by further reciting your nerdy scholastic agenda. Don't tell me what you're studying, Steve, tell me what's in your soul. What haunts you?"

And he was like, "Dude, you need to cut back on the caffeine."
— Christopher Moore (You Suck: A Love Story)

"Only cops and vampires have to have an invitation to enter."
— Christopher Moore

"The music coming from inside sounded like robots fucking. And complaining about it. In rhythmic monotone. European robots."
— Christopher Moore (You Suck: A Love Story)

"Actually, orcas aren't quite as complex as scientists imagine. Most killer whales are just four tons of doofus dressed up like a police car."
— Christopher Moore (Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings)

"Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe."
— Christopher Moore (The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror, Version 2.0)

"Love: the sickest of Irony’s sick jokes. The place where logic and order go to die."
— Christopher Moore (Coyote Blue)

"She's so small, yet she contains so much evil."
— Christopher Moore (Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings)

"not unlike the toaster, I control darkness."
— Christopher Moore (You Suck: A Love Story)

"Oh, I get it," I said. "It's a parable. Cute. Let's go eat."
— Christopher Moore (Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal)

"I've seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores."
— Christopher Moore (Practical Demonkeeping)

"You're trying to be tricky. What's morality?"

"It's the difference between what's right and what you can rationalize.

"Must be a human thing."

"Exactly."
— Christopher Moore

"I can be most colorful and inventive when I am angry."
— Christopher Moore (Practical Demonkeeping)

"Science you don't know looks like magic."
— Christopher Moore

"The Emperor decided to make a proclamation to his troops about the importance of compassion in the face of the rising tide of heinous fuckery and political weaselocity in the nearby kingdom of the United States."
— Christopher Moore (A Dirty Job)

"Charlie Asher: I accidently shagged a monk last night.
Minty Fresh: Sometimes, in times of crisis, that shit cannot be avoided.""
— Christopher Moore (A Dirty Job)

"The problem with being nuts, she thought, is that you don't always feel as if you're nuts. Sometimes, in fact, you feel perfectly sane, and there just happens to be a trailer-shaped dragon crouching in the lot next door."
— Christopher Moore

"He invented Kung Fu when translated to English means method by which short, bald guys can kick the bejeezus out of you."
— Christopher Moore (Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal)

"It's hard for me, a Jew, to stay in the moment. Without the past, where is the guilt? And without the future, where is the dread? And without guilt and dread, who am I?"
— Christopher Moore (Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal)

"Shoes off in the whale! And don't try and make a break for the anus."
— Christopher Moore (Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings)

"She knew it should bother her more, being evil and all, but after she put on a little mascara and some lipstick and poured herself another cup of blood-laced coffee, she found that she was okay with it."
— Christopher Moore (You Suck: A Love Story)

"He was a writer and words were his weapons."
— Christopher Moore (Bloodsucking Fiends)

"Josh: "What is this thing?"
Gasper: "It's a Yeti. An abominable snowman."
Biff: "This is what happens when you fuck a sheep?"
Josh: "Not an abomination, abominable.""
— Christopher Moore (Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal)

"So nerds rule."
— Christopher Moore (The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove)

"I've won Satan's lottery."
— Christopher Moore (Bloodsucking Fiends)

"I love you above all things, even pie."
— Christopher Moore (Fool: A Novel)

"The hip-hop guy nodded curtly, like he knew that, and despite appearances to the contrary, he had not been trippin', but had, in fact, been chillin' like a mo-fuckin' villain, so step the fuck off, wigga. He crossed against the light, limping slightly under the weight of the subtext."
— Christopher Moore (A Dirty Job)

"Let me say right here, if I haven't made it clear, that I have seen as many pale, naked old-man parts in the last twenty-four hours to bruise my delicate psyche for a lifetime, so don't be surprised if you someday find me wandering the moors at midnight, a crazed look in my eye, babbling about albino Tater Tots nesting in Brillo pads and being pursued by sagging man ass, because that shit can happen when you've been traumatized."
— Christopher Moore (You Suck: A Love Story)

"She doesn't understand that a writer is a special creature--that I'm different from everyone else. I'm not saying I'm superior to other people, just more sensitive, I guess."
— Christopher Moore (Bloodsucking Fiends)

""Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry, you can't have a baby brother, because that would mean that Daddy had sex, and that's never going to happen again." "
— Christopher Moore (A Dirty Job)

"By Aladdin's lamplit scrotum, man! Everything is a story. What is there but stories? Stories are the only truth."
— Christopher Moore (Practical Demonkeeping)

"They want to be tied up, I tie them up. They want to be spanked, I spank them. They want to be called names, I call them names. But try and drink a little of their blood, and they scream like babies. What about my needs?"
— Christopher Moore

"Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island."
— Christopher Moore

"Why is it one can busta rhyme or busta move anywhere, but one must busta cap in someone's ass?"
— Christopher Moore (Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal)

". . . You seem upset, Charlie. Is something wrong?
Charlie: No, no, I’m okay, I just had to take directions from a mute beaver in a fez to get here, it’s unsettling."
— Christopher Moore (A Dirty Job)

"Oh, I would while away the hours,
Wanking in the flowers, my heart all full of song,
I'd be gliding all the lilies as I waved about my willie,
If I only had a schlong."
— Christopher Moore (Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal)

"Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children, like the Tooth Fairy. There’s no such place."
— Christopher Moore

"Mr. Fresh looked up. "The book says if we don't do our jobs everything could go dark, become like the Underworld. I don't know what the Underworld is like, Mr. Asher, but I've caught some of the road show from there a couple of times, and I'm not interested in finding out. How 'bout you?"

"Maybe it's Oakland," Charlie said.

"What's Oakland?"

"The Underworld."

"Oakland is not the Underworld!"

"The Tenderloin?" Charlie suggested."
— Christopher Moore (A Dirty Job)

"I know that even now, having watched enough television, you probably won't even refer to them as lepers so as to spare their feelings. You probably call them 'parts-dropping-off challenged' or something."
— Christopher Moore (Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal)

"Like bear..."
— Christopher Moore

"No one knows why, but second only to eating the brains of the living, the dead love affordable prefab furniture."
— Christopher Moore (The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror, Version 2.0)

"Animals might put up with that smiley shit, but people will eventually kill you for it."
— Christopher Moore (Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings)