Jack Handey > Quotes

“Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.”
― Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.”
― Jack Handey

“To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.”
― Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

“A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who's going to get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.”
― Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

“I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes.”
― Jack Handey

“If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is ‘God is crying’. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is ‘Probably because of something you did.”
― Jack Handey

“When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.”
― Jack Handey

“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.”
― Jack Handey, Deepest Thoughts: So Deep They Squeak

“If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is...and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.”
― Jack Handey

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink,
I feel shame! Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work, and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver”
― Jack Handey

“If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic.”
― Jack Handey

“I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.”
― Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

“On the other hand, you have different fingers.”
― Jack Handey

“If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat.
hen, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said 'inspection.'"
They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.”
― Jack Handey

“I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.”
― Jack Handey

“One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake.”
― Jack Handey

“Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go, the later you think you are.”
― Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

“Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.”
― Jack Handey

“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”
― Jack Handey

“The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part.”
― Jack Handey

“Here's a good trick.
Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go: Okay, is everybody ready to start now?”
― Jack Handey

“I was sad, because I had no shoes.

Until I met a man that had no feet.

So, I took his shoes, cuz hey, he wan't using them!”
― Jack Handey

“To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks.”
― Jack Handey

“When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, 'No speaka English.”
― Jack Handey

“If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope he likes enchiladas, because that's what he's getting.”
― Jack Handey

“In order to understand mankind, we must look at the word itself, "mank" and "ind".What do these words mean? Maybe we'll never know.”
― Jack Handey

“Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter.

Wait. . .

It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.”
― Jack Handey

“I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.”
― Jack Handey

“If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.”
― Jack Handey

“One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said, 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.”
― Jack Handey

“Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!”
― Jack Handey

“Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth.”
― Jack Handey

“Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful”
― Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

“If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.”
― Jack Handey

“There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY," but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that.”
― Jack Handey

“You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. ”
― Jack Handey

“To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.”
― Jack Handey

“Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, going through your stuff.”
― Jack Handey

“Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.”
― Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

“I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist, "You know what will save the world? You're holding it in your hand."
And the other scientist looks, and in his hand are peanuts.
Then when he looks up, the first scientist is being taken away to the insane asylum.”
― Jack Handey

“One good thing about Hell, at least, is you can probably pee wherever you want to.”
― Jack Handey

“It takes a big man to cry but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”
― Jack Handey

“If there were two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins more? I bet you'd say Flippy, wouldn't you?

But you would be wrong. It's Hambone.”
― Jack Handey

“Eventually, I believe, everything evens out. Long ago, an asteroid hit our planet and killed our dinosaurs. But, in the future, maybe we’ll go to another planet and kill their dinosaurs.”
― Jack Handey

“If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.”
― Jack Handey

“The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.”
― Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

“Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there in the room talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books.”
― Jack Handey

“I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. ”
― Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

“I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.”
― Jack Handey

“How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.”
― Jack Handey