Ambrose Bierce > Quotes

“The covers of this book are too far apart.”
― Ambrose Bierce

“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”
― Ambrose Bierce

“Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

“War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.”
― Ambrose Bierce

“In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.”
― Ambrose Bierce

“Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

“All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.”
― Ambrose Bierce

“Patience – A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

“Hash, x. There is no definition for this word - nobody knows what hash is.
Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable.
Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

“There is nothing new under the sun but there are lots of old things we don't know.”
― Ambrose Bierce

“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
― Ambrose Bierce

“Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.”
― Ambrose Bierce

“Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are not as they ought to be.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

“Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

“PRAY, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

“Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

“Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary [Facsimile Edition]

“Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

“There are 4 kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.”
― Ambrose Bierce

“Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.”
― Ambrose Bierce

“Quoting: the act of repeating erroneously the words of another.”
― Ambrose Bierce

“You don't have to be stupid to be a Christian, ... but it probably helps.”
― Ambrose Bierce

“Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.”
― Ambrose Bierce

“Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

“Egotist-A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

“Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.”
― Ambrose Bierce

“Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

“Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.”
― Ambrose Bierce

“Ocean: A body of water occupying two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

“Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.”
― Ambrose Bierce

“Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

“Dawn: When men of reason go to bed.”
― Ambrose Bierce

“FIDELITY, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

“Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.”
― Ambrose Bierce

“Belladonna: In Italian, a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

“Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.”
― Ambrose Bierce

“Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.”
― Ambrose Bierce

“To be positive: To be mistaken at the top of one's voice.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

“Lawyer – One skilled in the circumvention of the law.”
― Ambrose Bierce

“VOTE, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.”
― Ambrose Bierce

“Philosophy - A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary and Other Works

“Twice – Once too often.”
― Ambrose Bierce

“Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. ”
― Ambrose Bierce

“History – An account mostly false, of events unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.”
― Ambrose Bierce

“Inhumanity, n. One of the signal and characteristic qualities of humanity.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary and Other Works

“Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

“Christian - One who follows the teachings of Christ insofar as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary and Other Works

“Prejudice is a vagrant opinion without visible means of support.”
― Ambrose Bierce

“Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.”
― Ambrose Bierce

“Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.”
― Ambrose Bierce