"The covers of this book are too far apart."
— Ambrose Bierce

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret."
— Ambrose Bierce

"Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage."
— Ambrose Bierce

"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography."
— Ambrose Bierce

"The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog."
— Ambrose Bierce

"Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of other."
— Ambrose Bierce (The Devil's Dictionary)

"All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher."
— Ambrose Bierce

"There is nothing new under the sun but there are lots of old things we don't know."
— Ambrose Bierce

"In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office."
— Ambrose Bierce

"Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion."
— Ambrose Bierce

"Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are not as they ought to be."
— Ambrose Bierce (The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary)

"Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel."
— Ambrose Bierce (The Devil's Dictionary [Facsimile Edition])

"Pray, v. To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy."
— Ambrose Bierce

"Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility."
— Ambrose Bierce

"Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel."
— Ambrose Bierce (The Devil's Dictionary)

"Patience – A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue."
— Ambrose Bierce

"Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding."
— Ambrose Bierce (The Devil's Dictionary)

"Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly."
— Ambrose Bierce

"Hash, x. There is no definition for this word - nobody knows what hash is.

Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable.

Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work."
— Ambrose Bierce (The Devil's Dictionary)

"Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen."
— Ambrose Bierce

"Ocean: A body of water occupying two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills."
— Ambrose Bierce

"You don't have to be stupid to be a Christian, ... but it probably helps."
— Ambrose Bierce

"There are 4 kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy."
— Ambrose Bierce

"Dawn: When men of reason go to bed."
— Ambrose Bierce

"Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head."
— Ambrose Bierce

"Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others."
— Ambrose Bierce

"Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another."
— Ambrose Bierce

"Patriotism, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name. In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit it is the first."
— Ambrose Bierce

"Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch."
— Ambrose Bierce

"Impiety, n. Your irreverence toward my deity."
— Ambrose Bierce (The Devil's Dictionary)

"Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves."
— Ambrose Bierce

"Inhumanity, n. One of the signal and characteristic qualities of humanity."
— Ambrose Bierce (The Devil's Dictionary)

"Prejudice is a vagrant opinion without visible means of support."
— Ambrose Bierce

"Alliance - In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third."
— Ambrose Bierce (The Devil's Dictionary)

"Philosophy - A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing."
— Ambrose Bierce (The Devil's Dictionary)

"Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made."
— Ambrose Bierce (The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary)

"Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think."
— Ambrose Bierce

"Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor."
— Ambrose Bierce (The Devil's Dictionary)

"Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence."
— Ambrose Bierce

"VOTE, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country."
— Ambrose Bierce

"History – An account mostly false, of events unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools."
— Ambrose Bierce

"Twice – Once too often."
— Ambrose Bierce

"To be positive: To be mistaken at the top of one's voice."
— Ambrose Bierce (The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary)

"Lawyer – One skilled in the circumvention of the law."
— Ambrose Bierce

"FIDELITY, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed."
— Ambrose Bierce (The Devil's Dictionary)

"Christian - One who follows the teachings of Christ insofar as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin."
— Ambrose Bierce (The Devil's Dictionary)

"Revolution - In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment."
— Ambrose Bierce (The Devil's Dictionary)

"Scriptures - The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based."
— Ambrose Bierce (The Devil's Dictionary)

"*Egotist*--A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me"
— Ambrose Bierce (The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary)

"Hippogriff, n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one-quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises."
— Ambrose Bierce (The Devil's Dictionary)